S03E12 Lesson 31 / 32 – Bruce’s Choice / Start New Series the Burkiss Way

The Burkiss Way, the humorous wireless programme. Lesson 31: Bruce’s Choice, starring Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris. Written by Andrew Marshall and David Renwick. Producer John Lloyd. Plus Lesson 32: Start New Series of The Burkiss Way! Starring the studio audience.

First broadcast on 31 January 1978

Music: vibraphone glissando, then Theme From A Summer Place

Announcer: There will now be a short intermission.

Music: Star Wars theme, then down for

Voice-over #1: And now, new from Twentieth Century Contricks, comes the biggest thing to hit America since Gerald Ford fell out of his plane! The greatest piece of space exploration in the cinema since the back row of the Odeon! The most amazing, most fantastic, most tremendous, most non-existant motion picture of all times! Yes, George Lucas’ bank manager presents: Star Bores!

F/X: space ship zipping by

Voice-over #2: Star Bores! The film that over fifteen million billion trillion vincehillion-makes-you-illion people have acclaimed as a masterpiece, even though none of them have ever seen it, and it hasn’t even been made yet, cast, written, or even thought of!

Voice-over #1: Star Bores! The picture that has already made more money than the one the private detective took of the High Court judge. And also out-grossed ‘Liza Minnelli Entertains’ as the greatest fantasy of the year.

F/X: space ship zipping by

Voice-over #2: See for the thousandth time the clip that’s always on television, featuring the two lavish robots.

R2-D2: (bleeping)

C-3PO (robot voice): If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the Castrol.

F/X: audience laughing

Voice-over #1: Star Bores! The film with special effects so lavish it would have been cheaper to build real space craft!

Voice-over #2: Queue up for month and month to witness the amazing Sir Alec Stubblybeard pretend he’s in a much better film.

Music: fades into [???, something else from Star Wars]

Obi-Wan Kenobi: (over) My child, you will discover that more virulent mysteries flicker within the glowing flame of the human soul than span the entire infinite web that is called the universe. Now then, let’s go and carve the aliens up a treat.

F/X: slashing noise

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ahhhouurghh!!

Leia: Ben! Are you alright?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I, I am alright. I, I have a small cut, that is all.

Leia: How big is it?

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Oh it’s alright, it’s just a small cut.

Leia: Oh let me see, Ben!

F/X: paper rustling

Leia: Good heavens! Two and a quarter percent, you jammy devil!!

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I, I know er…

Voice-over #2: Yes, Star Bores, starring Marc Knocking-On-Thirty-Really as the usual hero Luke Lively and with special effects by the man who used to work the strings on Marlon Brando’s lips, is coming soon to this intermission!

F/X: space ship zipping by

Music: out

Music: vibraphone glissando

Continuity Announcer: This is Radio Four. Well, we’re very sorry that due to industrial action we are unable to black out the following programme, which is the last in the current eleven and a half week series of the Burkiss Way.

Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: Are you short of breath, do you feel completely exhausted, can you hardly stand up straight? Then why not give it a rest and listen to the radio instead. As we present Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris in a selection of Bruce Forsyth’s favourite moments from the past series of the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living. Yes, if you’ve got nothing on and fancy a laugh, just stand in front of the mirror. Then stay tuned for Lesson 31 in our amazing series of correspondence courses, Bruce’s Choice.

Studio Audience: (big cheer)

Bruce Forsyth: Good evening, ladies, gentlemen and children, nice to see you, to see you!

Studio Audience: [Right hooray ???]

Bruce Forsyth: Well, welcome ladies, gentlemen, children to Bruce’s Choice. And tonight in addition to producing a dirt-cheap programme by sticking lots of old bits from the other shows together… excuse me while I just sit down by this christmas tree, I shall, I shall be looking back over the past eleven weeks at those moments, well, well I never quite manage to finish my sentences off. And straight away the first thing I came up with was the following clip, which appeared in Burkiss Way number two. And this is how it went:

Music: tranquil music

Narrator: Heaven, nineteen fifty-five. And in the world of the hereafter, all is peace and calm. And for Heaven’s millions of inhabitants, be they devout Christians, or Arab businessmen who’ve made a fortune selling extremely thin camels, life goes about its daily routine.

F/X: knocking on door

F/X: door handle

Mr Deadby: Er, er morning.

St Kidding: Ah, good morning. Mr Deadby, isn’t it?

Mr Deadby: Yes, right.

St Kidding: You’re late again, you know that, don’t you, Mr Deadby?

Mr Deadby: Yeah, I.. I, I’m very sorry, Saint Kidding.

St Kidding: Well, you’d better hurry up and get in there before anyone notices. Here’s your harp.

Mr Deadby: Oh th.. thank you, Saint Kidding. (to himself) Now we’re back to the grindstone.

F/X: door handle

Music: harp music

Heavenly Choir (rest of the cast): (singing, but not very enthusiastically) Oh what bliss! / Oh it’s bliss! / Oh my, bliss indeed! Crums! This is bliss…

Mr Deadby: Yeah, I’m so.. I’m sorry I’m late, everyone. Look Sid, how far have you got, eh?

Heavenly Choir: Oh joy. What bliss.

Mr Deadby: Oh, what er… Yeah, alright…

Heavenly Choir (with Mr Deadby joining in): Wonderful bliss. / Joyous bliss. / Bliss is the [kitto ?] alright. / Heavenly bliss. / Oh bliss! (short instrumental break) Luck two three, luck two three, luck two three, [scrum ?]!

F/X: steam whistle blows

Mr Deadby: Eh? Oh! Oh that’s better.

Other choir members: Ohh…

Les: Tea break at last.

Sid: Ohhhh....

Les: I don’t think I could have stand much more of that bliss, do you?

Mr Deadby: No, no, definitely takes it out of you, that bliss, don’t it, eh?

Sid: Yeah, yeah. Hear, I’m on a celestial rapture shift tomorrow, that’s a real backbreaker that is, yeah.

Mr Deadby: Yeeahh.

Sid: Here, do you take sugar, Les?

F/X: tea cups and spoons clattering

Les: Oh yes please, Sid.

Mr Deadby: Hey eh, how long you in for in, Les?

Les: Er, er, I’m doing an eternity stretch. What about you?

Mr Deadby: Ah, well, same here you know, but I’m hoping to get time off for bad behaviour.

Les: Really?

Mr Deadby: Yeah well, see—

Supervisor: Come on, you horrible lot! Tea break’s over, get back to your harps—

Mr Deadby: Awwww…

Supervisor: —this is Heaven, not Butlin’s Holiday Camp. Come on!

Music: harp music resumes

Supervisor: Right, let’s hear the sound of that bliss again. Alright, from the top. Come on, come on!

Heavenly Choir: Scrumptious bliss.

Supervisor: The joy of it!

Heavenly choir: The joy of it. / Wowy. / Top this for a better bliss… (continues in background)

Supervisor: That’s it.

Mr Deadby: Hear er, could I, could I see you in your office for a moment, Chief?

Supervisor: What, now?

Mr Deadby: Yeah well, if I could, Sir.

Supervisor: Oh, alright then. But don’t you dare start slacking while I’m gone, you lot!

F/X: door handle

Heavenly Choir: … bliss indeed.

F/X: door closes

Supervisor: Alright. Pull up a nimbus, Deadby. Now then, what do you want?

Mr Deadby: Well, er yeah er, I, I’ll come straight to the point on this one, Commander, I, I like to go home please, Sir.

Supervisor: You what?!

Mr Deadby: Well I’d like to go home, back to Stepney.

Supervisor: What are you talking about? You can’t go back to the land of the living now.

Mr Deadby: No, just Stepney, Chief. I mean, well, well let’s be fair, my time in heaven is up now, innit?

Supervisor: Time’s up? What do you mean, t-ha-ha-ime’s up? You’re in here for eternity, lad. You’d better go for another check up at the post-fatal clinic.

Mr Deadby: I don’t wanna go to the post-fatal clinic!

Supervisor: Oh well, let’s see what we can do then. The fact is as you know there’s really only one other place were dead people can go.

Mr Deadby: Hell?

Supervisor: The Radio Times.

Mr Deadby: That’s close.

F/X: phone ringing, handset taken off cradle

Caller: Dear Sir, I really must complain in the longest possible words! Is nothing sacred? The next thing you know we’ll be having sadomasochism on the radio. Yours faithfully, your most humble and obedient servant. Oh! Oh what a giveaway!

F/X: handset being replaced on cradle

Bruce Forsyth: Alright, [??]. Good game, good game, I hope you’re complaining as well at home. At this point we were going to see a special clip featuring Twiggy and some of the All-Time Greats, but er, unfortunately she went and fell down one of them, so, instead, we’ll.. lets, lets watch again this clip from Burkiss Way number five.

Music: [??] signature tune

Quizmaster: And a very good evening to you and welcome. This is Dan Got-The-BBC-By-The-Short-And-Curlies, acclaimed recently as the outstanding radio personality of the year by the Royal National Institute for the Dead. Yes, welcome, welcome all to another edition of Beat The Granny. And who’s going to win that bumper jackpot, which I’ll remind you now stands at four slug’s adenoids and a toast rack. Well, lets find out now as we hear from our first listener tonight who wants to play Beat The Granny.

F/X: phone ringing, handset taken off cradle

Quizmaster: Hello, who’s calling Beat The Granny?

Mrs Braintransplant: Hello, Mr Got-The-BBC-By-The-Short-And-Curlies, my name is Ada Braintransplant and I have an IQ of eight-and-a-half below Queen’s Park Rangers.

Quizmaster: I see, that’s really interesting, Ada.

Mrs Braintransplant: No, it’s not.

Quizmaster: No, by heaven it’s not. Have you got any family?

Mrs Braintransplant: Yes, I have a daughter who is training to be a solicitor.

Quizmaster: Oh, does she get very much for that?

Mrs Braintransplant: About three months usually.

Quizmaster: And where do you live, Ada?

Mrs Braintransplant: Er, Nuneaton.

Quizmaster: Really? Sounds just like my wife’s cooking.

Audience Member: (laughing crazily for a few seconds until he is slapped)

Quizmaster: That was just a piece of my amazing wit there, Ada. Excerpts of which can be heard on Remembrance Day during the two minute silence. Well Ada, let’s get straight on now to this week’s Beat The Granny, and can you tell me whose granny this is being beaten? Here it comes:

F/X: old lady shrieking while being beaten with some heavy object

Quizmaster: Well Ada?

Mrs Braintransplant: Errrrr…


Quizmaster: It’s a tricky one, isn’t it?

Mrs Braintransplant: Errrr…


Quizmaster: (under his breath) Oh strewth!

(slight pause)

Quizmaster: (normally) Any thoughts at all, Ada?

Mrs Braintransplant: Errrrr…


Mrs Braintransplant: Well—

Quizmaster: Yes?

Mrs Braintransplant: Errrrr…


Quizmaster: (pleadingly) Have a guess!

Mrs Braintransplant: Is it Mrs Ethel Crint of grave nine, The Opportunity Knocks and District General Cemetery?

Quizmaster: Hmph? Huh, hrm. What? What? Er, oh ohh, oh, oh no. No, I’m afraid it wasn’t Mrs Ethel Crint, Ada, no, so bad luck there and a very good night to you, ha. So the jackpot now stands at four slug’s adenoids, a toast rack and a tin of camel remover. Can we have the next caller, please?

F/X: phone ringing, handset taken off cradle

Mr Racial-Problem (?? accent): Er, good day. Er, I wonder, could I hear a bit more, please?

Quizmaster: Certainly, Sir.

F/X: old lady shrieking while being beaten with some heavy object

Mr Racial-Problem: Oh yes, yes. I am, I am thinking perhaps, is it er, is it Mrs Gladys Clackett of Gasworks Terrace, Grimsby, being bludgeoned about the head with a Young Conservative’s eartrumpet?

(slight pause)

Quizmaster: You’ve played this before, haven’t you?

Mr Racial-Problem: Oh? Oh, that mean, does that mean that I have won?

Quizmaster: Yes, congratulations, Mr Racial-Problem. That means, that means this week’s bumper jackpot is yours. So now, I’ll just wish you all a very good riddance!

Music: closing signature tune

Bruce Forsyth: Alright my lads, alright, Bruce’s back again. Well, I know that all of you enjoy a family show and let’s face it, nobody keeps showing his family quite as much as I do. So now, let’s meet her, let’s greet her, the hostess who is now a star in her own right, the gorgeous, the ever-lovely, Bruce Forsyth’s wife.

Studio Audience: (cheering)

Bruce Forsyth: Oh, eh. Oh, well, and hello, Bruce Forsyth’s wife, my love.

Bruce Forsyth’s Wife: Hello, Bruce. Can I say something?

Bruce Forsyth: Well, so long as you don’t strain yourself, dear, what is it?

Bruce Forsyth’s Wife: Well, it says in my script that I’ve had a terrible time feeding the baby today.

Bruce Forsyth: Oh look, look, for goodness sake, for goodness sake, can’t you put it to one side for a moment?

Bruce Forsyth’s Wife: Not with all these viewers watching, Bruce.

Bruce Forsyth: Ha ha, well, oh, I can see, I can see it’s gonna be one of those days, you know, yeah. Anyway, Bruce Forsyth’s wife, my love, which clip have you chosen from the Burkiss Way?

Bruce Forsyth’s Wife: Well, it’s from Burkiss eight, and it’s this one, about the travel agents.

F/X: city street traffic noises

Travel Agent: Handle rattle, click-clockety-clink, shop bell tinkle-tinkle, slam. Cloomp, cloomp, cloomp. Ding…

Customer: Shop!

Travel Agent: Ding…

Customer: Shop!

Travel Agent: Oh, good morning, Sir. Sorry about the lack of sound effects in here, it’s a little experiment, we’re trying to get back to nature.

Customer: Oh, I see.

Travel Agent: Now then, what can I do for you?

Customer: I’d like to book up er for a holiday, please.

Travel Agent: I see. Er, in that case, would you like to take a chair over there, please?

Customer: Why?

Travel Agent: Well, our removal men are on strike.

Customer: Just arrange my holiday, please, will you? I want to book a round-the-world cruise.

Travel Agent: Oh very good, Sir. And.. and did you wish to travel by ocean liner, or by tomato ketchup?

Customer: Well, I thought that if I could— pa..pardon?

Travel Agent: H..how do you wish to travel, by ocean liner or tomato ketchup?

Customer: What’s the difference?

Travel Agent: Well, if you travel by ocean liner, you’ll be accommodated in a first class berth on one of our seagoing ships, Sir…

Customer: Yes?

Travel Agent: … but if you go by tomato ketchup, we stick you round the top of a bottle, in a [McDimpy bar ?].

Customer: I see. Erm, that doesn’t sound a terribly fast way of travelling.

Travel Agent: It’s not noted for its quickness, Sir, no; but on the other hand, you wouldn’t suffer from all that nasty sickness in the [McDimpy bar ?].

Customer: Wouldn’t I?

Travel Agent: Well yes, you would. Let’s see what else we’ve got… oh yes, you could always go by Joan Bakewell, Sir.

Customer: Joan Bakewell? Would she go all the way?

Travel Agent: Well er, I think that’s something you’d find out for yourself after a day or so.

Customer: Er no, I think I’ll just go by ship.

Travel Agent: Right then, that’s settled then, Sir.

Customer: Oh no, hang on! Hang on. What does that poster mean, up there? Look: ‘Share a cabin with one poof.’

Travel Agent: Er, no, Sir, that’s ‘Share a cabin with one p off.’

Customer: Oh, I see. My mistake.

Travel Agent: Although of course if you want to—

Customer: Er no no no no no, I’ll be fine.

Travel Agent: Good.

Customer: Oh yes, there, there was just one other thing. What are your credit facilities like here?

Travel Agent: Er, credit facilities? Well, more or less like this, Sir:

Music: Burkiss Way closing signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: (over) Yes, with these credits it’s time to wind up another series of the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living. If you’ve enjoyed listening to these shows half as much as Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris have enjoyed doing them, then you must be in a bad way. In fact, if you’re generally unhealthy and overweight, send off now to writers Andrew Marshall and David Renwick for your sixty foot gym crane, care of Cyril Smith Pick Me Ups Limited. Bruce’s Choice was produced by John Lloyd of Europe, see you again soon, folks, and happy dynamic living!

Music: finish and out

Studio Audience: (cheering)

Continuity Announcer: And that was the last in the present eleven-and-a-half week series of the Burkiss Way. Well, the time here on Radio Four is just coming up to the twentieth century, which means we’re running a little ahead of schedule. So here to fill in time is the thing that goes—

F/X: another Radio 4 jingle (listen to it)

Continuity Announcer: BBC Radio Four. And now it’s time for a brand new, two-and-a-half week series of the Burkiss Way.

Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: (over) Yes, we’re back! The comedy programme that could one day replace euthanasia, the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living. And this week in our brand new two-and-a-half week series of correspondence courses, Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees, Fred Harris and our special guest stars, the studio audience, will demonstrate how to succeed in radio comedy without really dying; as we present Lesson 32, Start New Series The Burkiss Way.

Music: finish and out

Studio Audience: (cheering)

Male Presenter: Good Evening. Well, it’s nice to be back on the air again. And in this first half-programme of the new series, we’re very pleased to welcome to the show our special guests, the studio audience.

Studio Audience (yes, the real studio audience): Good evening. It’s really wonderful to be here.

Male Presenter: Ha ha. Er, now, Studio – I hope you don’t mind if I call you that…

Studio Audience: No, go right ahead.

Male Presenter: Oh good. Well now Studio, I’m very sorry we can’t actually pay you for this guest appearance in the Burkiss Way, but I’m afraid I haven’t got enough Polos to go round!

Studio Audience: Go round what?

Male Presenter: Aha ha! Ha ha, ha. Very good, but in future stick to the script. Well, we’re all looking forward to your big moment in the show, so without further ado…

Music: vibraphone glissando, then Theme From A Summer Place

Studio Audience: (over) There will now be a short intermission.

Music: [???]

Voice-over #3: (over) Yes, at last, a foolproof way to pull the birds. Simply prance around old-fashioned coffee bars in a silly leather jacket, with enough Brylcreem on your head to make Bob Monkhouse look like a hedgehog in a drought. Then simply mince about handing out bottles of fizzy mineral drinks to all the chicks and you’ll knock ’em dead in minutes!

Voice-over #4: Yes, knocking people dead? Then you need Stiff Cola! Stiff Cola, the new, sparkling life-quenching drink from Stiffco.

Stiffco Voice-over: Stiiiff!

F/X: drinking noises

Music: [???] out, followed by vibraphone glissando

Wife: Darling, your breakfast getting cold. I told you to make it put its vest on this morning.

(weird voice in the background)

Husband (two voices speaking together): (both voices) Morning, darling.

Wife: Morning. Alright?

Husband: (both voices) Not really, darling.

Wife: What’s the matter?

Husband: (both voices) I’m feeling a bit plural this morning.

Wife: Oh dear. Drink, dear?

Husband: (Voice 1) Tea please, dear. (Voice 2) Coffee please, darling.

Wife: What was that, darling?

Husband: (Voice 1) Tea. (Voice 2) Coffee. (both voices) Oh alright then, (Voice 1) coffee. (Voice 2) tea.

Wife: Do you think something’s disagreed with you, dear?

Husband: (Voice 1) Yes. (Voice 2) No.

Postman: Woof. Woof woof woof!

Wife: Ah, that’s the postman.

Postman: Woof. Woof, grrr! Snargh! Grrr, grr!

Wife: He’s a do-it-yourself addict, you know.

Postman: Grrr!

F/X: post being opened

Wife: Here we are, dear.

F/X: paper rustling

Husband: (both voices) Ahh. It’s a rates demand.

Wife: How much?

Husband: (both voices) Aach, six carcasses of chicken’s [??].

Wife: I beg your pardon?

Husband: (both voices) Oh sorry, I read it wrong. It’s a rat’s demand. What’s yours, dear?

Wife: Ohh, hmm, it’s just from Ivan the Terrible saying he’s coming for a few days.

Husband: (both voices) What?! That murdering Russian czar?

Wife: Darling! After all, he is my mother.

Husband: (both voices) No, he isn’t.

Wife: Oh no, so he isn’t.

F/X: door bell

Wife: Oh, that’ll be him now.

F/X: door handle

Music: dramatic music

F/X: horse noises, battle atmosphere

Narrator (another one): Yes, Ivan the Terrible, the most sadistic, evil and blackhearted of all the Czars. With his vicious handpicked troop of Cossacks, he roamed the countryside, slaughtering the menfolk!

Ivan the Terrible: Ahh hahahahahaaa!

Narrator: Setting fire to the chimney tops!

Ivan the Terrible: Ahhhh hahaa haaa!

Narrator: Raping the villages!

Ivan the Terrible: Haaaa, haha — what?

Narrator: Pillaging the women!

Ivan the Terrible: Noo, no! Hold it boys, hold it!

Music & F/X: music & atmosphere stop

Narrator: Er erm…

Ivan the Terrible: Look, it’s perfectly straightforward! It’s slaughtering the menfolk, raping the women, setting fire to the chimney tops, pillaging villages!

Narrator: Well I, I, I can’t say ‘pillaging villages’.

Ivan the Terrible: Oh right then, say ‘Looting towns’.

Narrator: Luton Towns!

Ivan the Terrible: Noo!!

(cheering from the studio audience)

Ivan the Terrible: This is a slaughter, not a game!

Narrator: Well er, matches with Luton usually are.

Ivan the Terrible: Look, just say ‘Nicking things’!

Narrator: Oh, ye.., yes, alright.

Ivan the Terrible: Right!

Music & F/X: music & atmosphere resume

Narrator: With his vicious handpicked troop of Cossacks, he roamed the countryside, slaughtering the menfolk!

Ivan the Terrible: Ahhh hahahahaaaa!

Narrator: Nicking things.

Ivan the Terrible: Ohhh ho ho ho hoooo!

Narrator: Setting chimney tops to the women!

Ivan the Terrible: Ahh, I don’t believe it!

Narrator: Raping the fires and burning his valuables!

Ivan the Terrible: Stop! Stop!

Music & F/X: music & atmosphere stop

Ivan the Terrible: You know what you are, don’t you? An idiot with a capital C!

Narrator: Er, I I… (audience reaction) I I, I really am most terribly sorry.

Ivan the Terrible: Now look, look. I’ll do the words, you do the nasty laugh in the background.

Narrator: Er, well alright.

Ivan the Terrible: Right.

Music & F/X: music & atmosphere resume

Ivan the Terrible: Ivan the Terrible, the most sadistic, evil and blackhearted of all the Czars.

Narrator: (not quite as convincing in his evil laugh) Ah haha ha hahaa.

Ivan the Terrible: With his vicious handpicked troop of chimneys, oh! Hillocks!

Music & F/X: music & atmosphere stop

F/X: door handle

Police Inspector: Ah, morning, Sir. Walthamstow CID. Are you er, Mister Ivan the Terrible?

Ivan the Terrible: (sounding not quite as evil as before) Er yes. Morning, I’m not quite as terrible as I used to be, mind you. What can I do for you?

Police Inspector: Well Sir, it’s, it’s like this.

Ivan the Terrible: Good lord, so it is.

Police Inspector: Er, furthermore, I have reason to believe that you and your er, marauding band of Cossacks, are planning to invade Walthamstow tomorrow afternoon.

Ivan the Terrible: Yeees?

Police Inspector: And generally cause havoc and chaos on a scale not witnessed since Enoch Powell posed for the centre spread of the Hindu Times, and everyone wrote in asking for more staples. In fact, to put too fine a point on it, Mister the Terrible, to hack everybody about rather a lot.

Ivan the Terrible: (reverting a bit to his evil self) That’s correct, yes!

Police Inspector: Well, in that case I and my constable will be keeping an extremely close watch on you tomorrow.

Ivan the Terrible: Whyyyy?

Police Inspector: Well, just in case any leftwing demonstrators try to break it up. You see, [where ?] we have duty to preserve law and order…

Studio Audience: We interrupt this programme to bring you an important newsflash.

Announcer: Late this afternoon at King’s Cross, a British Rail pork pie was broken into by thieves using oxy-acetylene equipment (audience reaction), and fifteen thousand pounds worth of antiques were stolen. Any member of the public offered an [Imatic ??] on the cheap is advised to ring the Thames Valley Police Brutality Squad without delay. And now, from Norwich, Embarrassment of the Century:

Music: Sale of the Century signature tune

Announcer: And here he is, the Embarrassment of the Century himself, Nicholas What’s-on-the-other-channel?.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Well, good evening both with my glasses on, without them on, and without my glasses on. And welcome to the show and straightaway let’s move on to our third contestant, and your name, Sir, is…

Eric Pode: Eric Pode of Croydon, Sir. Whoaaaaa.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: I see, ha, I see. And is your wife in here tonight?

Eric Pode: No, I think it must be the wind from the abattoir, mate.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: A ha, aha, aha, ha well, ha ha, is.. isn’t he, isn’t he a panic, ha? We-hh-eell, well, Mister Croydon, now, now on to your first question, Mister Croydon, which is this—

Eric Pode: You, you know the council gave me a home improvement grant this week.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Oh really? How are they going to improve it?

Eric Pode: Demolish it.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: A ha, a ha, well ha, the question I’m now going to ask you—

Eric Pode: I, I’m feeling a bit put out at the moment.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Oh, why is that?

Eric Pode: The wife mistook me for the cat.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Oh, that must have been terrible.

Eric Pode: Not really, so did another cat, whooooou!

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Anyway, er we’re running right out of time now, so can I please put the question to you, which is this—

Eric Pode: We’re, we’re now, we’re so poor, we have to borrow our diseases from next door, you know?

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Ha. Look, we’re running out of time you spotty little dipstick, if you don’t shut up—

Eric Pode: The doctor said I’m seriously ill, he’s not gonna laugh at my complaints anymore Sir…

Music: Burkiss Way closing signature tune fades up

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: (unintelligible)

Eric Pode: (under) He says he put me (unintelligible)

Burkiss Way Announcer: Well, that winds up another instructive fifteen minutes of Professor Emil Burkiss’s amazing secrets of Dynamic Living. In Start New Series The Burkiss Way, the parts of Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris were played by our guest stars, the studio audience. And the Scotsman in the front row played the part of Jo Kendall, as he’d left his bagpipes at home. Join us again next time for another scintillating script by Andrew Marshall and David Renwick and a sensational production by John Lloyd of Europe. See you next week and happy dynamic living!

Music: out

Eric Pode: … the Doctor said I’m so seriously ill, he’s not gonna laugh at my anymore.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Aha, I see.

Eric Pode: I, I just got a job on the Ark Royal you know.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Yes yes, and er, and have you got a pin-up there?

Eric Pode: No, I always wince like that, it’s [??].

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Now look. Look, Mister Croydon, ha…

Eric Pode: What, well? Well?

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Mis..mister, mister Croydon?

Eric Pode: Oh, me, yeah, yeah.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: If, if I were to offer your tonight’s star prize, will you go?

Eric Pode: Errrm…

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Will you get the hell out of here?

Eric Pode: Errrrr…

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Like a shot?

Eric Pode: Yeah alright then.

Nicholas W-o-t-c?: Good! Have this one on me!

F/X: gun shot