S02E13 Lesson 19 – Replace The Burkiss Way

Music: Franz Waxman – The Battle of Dubno and Finale from ‘Taras Bulba’

F/X: rowdy battlefield atmosphere on top of the music

Narrator: (over) In the thriteenth century AD, Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes swept across the face of Asia, leaving in their wake terror, destruction and lots of good parts for Yul Brynner. All in their path were put to the sword in a frenzied orgy of carnage, desiccation and coconuts.

Music: out

Genghis Khan: Take that! Ahahahaaa! Haaa! So perish all enemies of Genghis Khan, muuhhaaahaa! Muuhhaa! Muhhaa!

F/X: door bell

Genghis Khan: That’s it men, tie this wretch to these four horses. We’ll have him torn apart limb from limb, ahahaaa!

F/X: door bell

Wife: Genghis, I think that was the door bell.

Genghis Khan: Quiet, woman! Slit this man’s throat, Remüjin, that’s it, hoaahahaaa! Nyahaaa!

F/X: door bell

Wife: (insisting) Genghis, there’s someone at the door.

Genghis Khan: Aaaaahhh! (another shout in the background) Oh, for heaven’s sake!

F/X: door handle

Vicar: Good afternoon, my son.

Genghis Khan: Oh! Oh, it’s you, vicar. Errrm, …

F/X: clanking noises, battlefield atmosphere stops

Genghis Khan: … look everyone, it’s er… the vicar.

Various voices: Ah. / Oh. / Ahh.

Genghis Khan: Yes.

Various voices: Oh.

Vicar: I er, I do hope I haven’t called at an inconvenient moment, Mr Khan?

Genghis Khan: Ohhhh err… no. No, we were, well we were just slaughtering a few um… er… just having a quiet evening at home really, you know.

Vicar: Aha, ohh, good, good. May I come in?

Genghis Khan: Well er, a bit difficult at the moment—

Vicar: Oh, thank you then, I will.

F/X: door closing, wind starts blowing in the background

Wife: Erm, I’m sorry the room’s in a bit of a mess, vicar. Genghis, where’s your manners? Look, the vicar hasn’t got anything to sit on.

Genghis Khan: Well, don’t look at me, I only cut off people’s heads. (audience reaction) Oh, I see. Erm, hang on, I’ll just shift this Mongol horde out of the way and get him a chair.

F/X: hoofbeats, as Mongol horde is riding away

Vicar: Ah, yes, er thank you. Mm, I don’t think we’ve seen you in church recently, Mr Khan?

Genghis Khan: Err no, no I’ve erm… well, I’ve been conquering Asia a bit lately, vicar. Haven’t I, Remüjin?

Remüjin (Mongol? accent): Oh yes, true, yes, yes, you’ve er… you’ve been conquering Asia quite a lot really, yes.

Wife: Yes, that’s right, vicar, he gets very busy at weekends.

Vicar: Oh yes, I’d er, I’d love a cup of tea, please, two sugars, thank you, thank you. Erm, I say, these bodies lying strewn all over the ground, er…

Genghis Khan: Oh god, he’s noticed them.

Vicar: Do, do-do-do you think they’ll be able to make it er, say for Matins next week perhaps, er?

Wife: Erm, er they’re all dead, vicar.

Vicar: Oh, that’s alright, we welcome all denominations. You see, what we’re trying to achieve— dead?!

Genghis Khan: Erm… no, er not dead… not dead in that sense of the word, vicar. They’ve just… they’re just rehearsing for Crossroads.[1]

(applause)

Genghis Khan: That right, Remüjin?

Remüjin: Oh yes, Sir, yes yes yes, [my word, yes Sir ?]… rehearsing for Crossroads, [they are?].

Vicar: Yes but, no chocolate biscuits for me, thank you. Er now I, I—

Genghis Khan: Chocolate biscuits!? We haven’t got any chocolate biscuits.

Vicar: Oh, alright then, just a plateful. Now the point is, Mr Khan, I wondered whether you would perhaps like to involve yourself more in our parish activities? I-I mean, do you fancy the choir at all?

(audience reaction)

Genghis Khan: Well, only one or two of the younger ones, er… besides I don’t conquer choirs much, do I, er Remüjin?

Remüjin: Oh yes, true, yes yes, you er, you don’t conquer choirs much at all, no Sir.

Vicar: Oh, sorry to have troubled you then, Mr Khan, so sorry. I take my leave now and you can get on with er, whatever you were doing.

Genghis Khan: Oh, thank you, vicar.

F/X: door handle

Genghis Khan: Nyyaaahhh…

F/X: rowdy battlefield atmosphere starts up again

Genghis Khan: … turn the [??], get back to [??]!

F/X: door handle, battlefield atmosphere stops abruptly

Vicar: A ha, excuse me, I forgot my hat.

Genghis Khan: Oh ha, he. Right.

F/X: door slamming shut

Vicar: Aha, thank you.

F/X: battlefield atmosphere resumes

Genghis Khan: Nyaahah, kill the snivelling [??]!

Remüjin: I say, I say, too?

Genghis Khan: Haaaaah! What is it, Remüjin?

Remüjin: I’m sorry to bother you, too, but er, have you seen those invoice triplicates from Whitehall, er thee..the ones concerning the inspection of the new filing cabinets?

Genghis Khan: Waahhaa, take that, eh – they’re in my in-tray, Remüjin – waahaaa, take that you…

F/X: atmosphere fades down

Remüjin: I, I can’t see them, though, er… not with the severed mandarin’s head that you were going to send off last week as a warning to the Empress of China.

Genghis Khan: What? Oh! Then if the severed mandarin’s head is still in my in-tray, I must have sent the Empress of China the letter about the inspection of the new filing cabinets.

Remüjin: Good gracious me, too. You realise what you’ve done, don’t you?

Genghis Khan: Er… you don’t mean—

Remüjin: Yes. You’ve written to the Empress asking to have a look at her drawers.

(audience reaction)

F/X: atmosphere stops

Music: The Men from the Ministry signature tune

Credits Voice-over: (over) You’ve been listening to The Mongols from the Ministry. Starring Deryck Guyler and Stinker Murdoch. With Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris as the Mongol hordes. (fades out) The script was written by the wandering [??] tribesmen of Northern Asia, who…

Music: out

(short pause)

Presenter: Well, let’s see. What did you think of that one, Patrick Moore?

Patrick Moore: (speaking very rapidly) Well, to be perfectly honest, I..I d… I didn’t really see the point of the idea at all. All those Mongols galloping around the place and, and er… vicars and things coming in and asking for tea and chocolate biscuits or what it— what it’s all about we just don’t know, and of course, things weren’t really improved by the whole thing taking place during the autumn equinox, where… with the [??] we all know, Genghis Khan wouldn’t have been visible to the naked bosom, because er… as we all know, bosoms can’t see. Although if they, if they, if they could, it would make the job of the optician a lot more enjoyable, and personally, I belive that the—

Presenter: Well erm, thank you, Patrick. Erm, Isobel Barnett, what did you reckon to the programme?

Isobel Barnett (falsetto voice): (speaking rapidly, too) Well personally, I r-really thought the same as Patrick. And er… I-I-I do agree that the concept was rather too… mad-capped for Radio Four, I, I-I.. I particularly disliked the idea of the vicar with no hindquarters, er er… you, er er you know the bit where she says ‘He’s got nothing to sit on.’? Erm, er the vision there was of an Anglican in convent, er with a severe buttock deficiency. And I… I, I really think it’s reaching rock bottom, aha er… well, when I’m given lines like that to say, and pers—

Presenter: Thank you, Isobel. Right. I think in that case, we’d better move on to the second audition. Next.

F/X: door handle, door closing

Passer-by: Hello, is this the BBC audition for a new programme to replace the Burkiss Way when it goes off the air next week at the end of its current thirteen week series?

Presenter: That’s correct. What can we do for you?

Passer-by: Nothing. I just came in to set up the plot.

Presenter: Fine. Let’s get on then.

F/X: door handle, door closing

Music: Frederic Chopin – Minute Waltz

Announcer: (over) And as the Minute Waltz fades away, we welcome you to another edition of Just A Minute. A panel game controlled, open brackets exclamation mark close brackets, by Nicholas Unbelievable.

(applause)

Music: out

Nicholas Unbelievable: Hello. My name is Nicholas Unbelievable, and welcome to Just A Minute, the panel game in which I laboriously spell everything out in a rather boring way and repeat myself rather a lot by spelling everything out in a rather boring way by making rather obvious points using my mouth and tongue to talk with and often my words don’t seem to make a great deal of sellopods because I just ramble on and on in a sort of er—

Kenneth Williams: Oh, get on with it you stupid old donkey, we’ll be here all day!

Nicholas Unbelievable: Well, that was Kenneth Williams there, ladies and gentlemen, who, for the benefit of our listeners at home, just said ‘Oh, get on with it you stupid old donkey, or we’re be here all day.’ Well, I think that er—

Stagehand: Mr Unbelievable?

Nicholas Unbelievable: Yes?

Stagehand: Time to have your brain [launched ??].

Nicholas Unbelievable: Oh, thank you. (pause, then voice changes) Ah, that’s better. Right. Now let’s get on with the game, Just A Minute. And our first contestant is Andrée Melly, and just a reminder of the rules: As you know, Andrée has to immerse herself completely in this tank of water for just a minute, without hesitating, without breathing or otherwise respiring or expiring. And your subject on the card, Andrée, is – ‘Drowning’. So you have just a minute in which to drown, starting now.

F/X: big splash, then air bubbling through water (continues in background)

F/X: ‘buzzzz’

Nicholas Unbelievable: Deryck Guyler?

Deryck Guyler: Expiration.

Nicholas Unbelievable: Oh, sorry Deryck, it sounded just like your buzzer. Er, so you have fifty-one seconds there – fifty-one seconds Andrée, starting now.

F/X: air bubbling through water continues for a little, then

F/X: ‘buzzz’

Nicholas Unbelievable: And a challenge from Clement Freud?

Clement Freud: Yes, erm. Death erm, she’s just suffocated.

Nicholas Unbelievable: Ye-eees, yes I daresay Clement, but I’m afraid death isn’t one of the reasons on the card. So, Andrée, that means you get an extra point for an incorrect challenge and you have forty-nine seconds—

Kenneth Williams: Hang on, hang on. Let’s ask the audience what they think.

Nicholas Unbelievable: Alright, Kenneth. Audience, what do you think?

F/X: deep and loud breathing noises as if they’re all asleep

Patrick Moore: Er, yes alright. I-I think we’ve heard enough of this drivel, don’t you?

Presenter: Yes, I certainly do. Let’s switch the radio off now and get back to the auditions. Send in the next applicant, please.

F/X: some banging and crashing, then church bells ringing with some banging/crashing noises continuing

Quasimodo: (over) The bells! The bells made me deaf! The bells, nyyaah. The bells…

Interviewer: Good morning, erm, take a seat, please. Name?

Quasimodo: Amanda Smoth.

Interviewer: Amanda— Tch. You don’t expect me to believe that, do you?

Quasimodo: Alright, Quasimodo.

Interviewer: That’s better. Now then, Amanda Quasimodo, just erm… make yourself comfortable and we’ll proceed with the interview.

Quasimodo: The bells. The bells made me deaf.

Interviewer: Er yes, yes. Erm, (audience reaction) now, can you tell me what exactly makes you think you’d like to become an air hostess?

Quasimodo: The bells. The bells made me deaf.

Interviewer: I see, erm, I think we’d better take some details then. Age?

Quasimodo: Twenty-three.

Interviewer: Real age?

Quasimodo: Two hundred and nineteen.

Interviewer: And what about your previous employments?

Quasimodo: The bells. The bells made me deaf. The bells! They made me deaf, you know. Deaf! The bells…

Interviewer: Ahahaha. You used to be an Avon lady, did you? (big round of applause) Erm, now what—

Quasimodo: Pardon?

(audience reaction)

Interviewer: What previous experience do you have?

Quasimodo: Well… I’ve spent two hundred years jumping up and down in a bell tower.

Interviewer: Ah. Er, with which airline?

Quasimodo: Pardon?

Interviewer: When you were jumping up and down in the bell tower, was it with Britannia or Pan Am?

Quasimodo: Erm… with a bell!

Interviewer: Oh. Well never mind, just slip on this dress, would you please?

Quasimodo: Right.

F/X: clattering and crashing noises

(audience reaction)

Interviewer: Good. Now get up and put it on. Ah, yes. Now your figure reminds me of Raquel Welch, erm back to front. Er look, I’ll be honest, Miss Quasimodo, we don’t tend to recruit a great many medieval hunchbacks as stewardesses these days; they don’t tend to be charming enough.

Quasimodo: The bells! The bells made me deaf!

F/X: intercom buzzer, intercom connection opened

Interviewer: Yes?

Remüjin: Er, there’s no one to see you, Miss.

Interviewer: Oh good, thank you.

F/X: intercom connection closed

Interviewer: Erm, now finally, Miss Quasimodo, let’s run through your results, shall we? Speech: Nought out of ten. Charm: Nought out of ten. Figure: Minus nought out of ten.

Quasimodo: Uhh… but.. but they said I was the spitting image of Sophia Loren.

Interviewer: Yes, well it was the spitting that put me off, really. To be quite frank, Miss Quasimodo, you’re a bit short in the niceness department. In fact to be really blunt, you’re rather nasty.

Candid Cat Presenter: Well not really, Miss Thrimpson.

Interviewer: What? Your voice has changed.

Candid Cat Presenter: That’s right, Miss Thrimpson. Aha. Ha ha ha. (brief pause) Have you ever heard of a show called ‘Candid Camera’?

Interviewer: What? (laughing) Oh no! You don’t mean… ?

Candid Cat Presenter: That’s right, you’re not on it.

Interviewer: What?

Candid Cat Presenter: Yes, if you look over there in that telephone box, what can you see?

Interviewer: Erm… a cat.

Candid Cat Presenter: That’s right, will you wave to it please, Miss Thrimpson? Because you’re on ‘Candid Cat’!

Interviewer: Candid Cat?!

Candid Cat Presenter: That’s right. Ha. Haahahaha.

Interviewer: What’s the idea of that?

Candid Cat Presenter: A-ha, well, very funny. We get members of the public to do silly things, (laughs) and unbeknown to them, (laughingly) they’re being watched by a cat.

F/X: ‘meow’

(pause)

Patrick Moore: Hm. Candid Cat, I-I don’t think it’s quite right myself.

Presenter: Er, no. Well in that case, I think we’d probably, er better move on to the next audition.

F/X: door handle, door closing

Presenter: Your name?

Mr Hackinbottom: Norman Hackinbottom.

Presenter: And you’ve got a programme you’d like us to consider broadcasting to replace the Burkiss Way, have you?

Mr Hackinbottom: That’s correct, yes.

Presenter: Er what is it, er a comedy?

Mr Hackinbottom: Yes.

Presenter: Tell us a bit more about it then, please.

Mr Hackinbottom: Well, basically my idea is for a new show called ‘The Non-Deryck Guyler Half Hour’.

Presenter: Erm, what happens in that?

Mr Hackinbottom: Well, basically it involves a half-hour radio comedy, in which Deryck Guyler does not appear.

Presenter: I’m sorry, I don’t quite follow you. That’s not technically possible, is it? (audience reaction) You mean you just don’t have Deryck Guyler in it a bit, but you do really?

Mr Hackinbottom: Oh no, no no, no no, you don’t hear Deryck Guyler at all.

Presenter: Oh I see. I see, you mean you have Deryck Guyler miming to someone else’s voice.

Mr Hackinbottom: No, no no, you just do not have Deryck Guy— oh, look, let me show you.

F/X: door handle, door closing

Customer: Is this the Catford Travel Agent’s?

Travel Agent: Er yes.

Customer: Oh good. Well I want to arrange a nice holiday.

Travel Agent: Oh very wise, Sir. And where exactly would you think of going?

Customer: Er Catford.

Travel Agent: Catford, I see. But er, this is Catford, Sir.

Customer: Yes, that’s partly why I decided upon it, because it’s so near, you see?

Travel Agent: Yes, now look, Sir, why don’t you go to Spain?

Customer: Oh I see, trying to get rid of me now, are you?!

Travel Agent: Oh no no, for a holiday it’s very nice.

Customer: Are there beaches in Spain?

Travel Agent: Oh yes.

Customer: And long hot days?

Travel Agent: Ohh yeah.

Customer: And beautiful nubile young ladies in moist, clinging swimsuits?

Travel Agent: Oh yes.

Customer: And a station that’s twenty minutes from Charing Cross on the Hayes via Lewisham service?

Travel Agent: Ohh ha, well, frankly no.

Customer: Oh, pity. Haven’t you got anything else?

Travel Agent: Well, what have we got?

F/X: leafing through paper

Travel Agent: There’s er, ‘Two sun-kissed weeks in a travel agents’ sketch in Luton’.

Customer: Oh, just the thing! I could do with a nice change.

F/X: door handle, short burst of steam train whistling and train noises, another door handle

Customer: Good morning. Is this the Luton Travel Agent’s?

Travel Agent (same voice as the customer): Yes, Sir.

Customer: Hang on, you sound just like the customer in that last travel agent’s, i.e. me.

Travel Agent: Well that’s right, Sir.

Customer: Hmmm. In that case, I think I’d better sound like the travel agent, hang on a minute.

F/X: door handle, door closing

Customer (now using the travel agent’s previous voice): Good morning, is this the Luton Travel Agent’s?

Travel Agent: Yes.

Customer: Ahh yes, that feels better, doesn’t it? Er… now then, I’d like to fix up a holiday er, in Saint-Tropez.

Travel Agent: I see. Well, that’s seven hundred and sixty-five pounds by British Airways, Sir, or if you prefer economy class, it’s two pounds fifty by nostril.

Customer: A ha, I don’t quite understand, how.. how can you travel by nostril?

Travel Agent: Oh, I’m terribly sorry, Sir. Nostril is the name of the tour company.

Customer: Oh, I see. (brief pause) And how do they do it so cheaply?

Travel Agent: Well they erm, they stick you up people’s noses. Now if you’d just like to look through this—

Customer: Ah, er.. er.. er er st… stick you up people’s noses?

Travel Agent: Well only literally, Sir. Of course, (audience reaction) of course they, th-they don’t just stick you up any old nose. You do get to pick the nose if you—

Customer: Er no. (audience reaction) Er, no… oh no no, thank you. Look, there must be some other way of travelling.

Travel Agent: Well, you can go by lemon for one pound twenty.

Customer: By lemon?

Travel Agent: That’s right, Sir. That includes a week’s picturesque lemon-trekking across central Europe.

Customer: But surely lemons don’t move.

Travel Agent: Well, we’re not sure about that, Sir.

Customer: Why not?

Travel Agent: Well, no one’s ever managed to put the saddle on one without squashing it, you see.

Customer: Oh, that’s stupid. Why should I pay one pound twenty for a lemon?

Travel Agent: Well, they don’t grow on trees, you know!

Customer: Yes they… yes they do.

Travel Agent: Oh, do they? Oh, just a minute. (rasing his voice) Dennis?

Dennis: (from background) Yes?

Travel Agent: Better take back that lemon we got to start a stud farm. (audience reaction) Now Sir, if you won’t travel by lemon, there’s still two glorious weeks in Saint-Tropez by mallet.

Customer: Er, mallet?

Travel Agent: Yes, Sir.

Customer: What, a wooden mallet?

Travel Agent: Only the best, Sir.

Customer: How much is it?

Travel Agent: Three p.

Customer: There isn’t a.. nasty catch, is there?

F/X: ‘bonk’

Customer: Oww!

Travel Agent: Not after that bit, Sir, no.

Presenter: Isobel, what did you think?

Isobel Barnett: Well personally [??], I must say I think the idea of the, the Non-Deryck Guyler Half Hour is, is quite an excellent idea. E-except for the bit about Deryck Guyler not being in it. I er… I really think he should be.

Presenter: Fine. We don’t seem to be getting terribly far with these auditions, perhaps we’d better move on to the next applicant.

F/X: door handle, door closing

Music: vibraphone glissando, then Theme from A Summer Place

Announcer: There will now be a short intermission.

Music: ‘From Russia with Love’ James Bond Theme (James Bond Is Back), then down for

Voice-over: (over) Yes, Bond is back. Nat Cohen in association with Stick Insect-Goldberg presents: The new James Bond. More powerful, more menacing, more deadly, more duck-like than ever before!

Music: out

F/X: intercom buzzer

Moneypenny: Er Double O Seven to see you, M.

M: Oh send him in, Miss Moneyspinner.

F/X: door handle, door closing

M: Ah, come in, Bond. Take a seat. Now I expect you’re wondering why I’ve called you here.

Bond: Quack.

(audience reaction)

M: Now I don’t need to tell you Bond, that you are.. a duck. A secret agent of your calibre gets to find these things out quickly enough.

Bond: Quack.

M: Being a Double O agent, you are of course licensed to quack.

Bond: Qua-ack.

M: Yes. (audience reaction) ’fraid so.

Bond: Quack.

M: Rather than quack at your latest adversary, Bond, we want you as a species of water fowl with somewhat limited espionage powers to fly out to Monte Carlo, rescue the kidnapped French ambassador from an island fortress and then, blow the whole place to smithereens and make your escape by piloting a helicopter back to the mainland.

Bond: Quaack.

M: Any other secret agent, Bond, would find this something of a mission impossible. You will find it.. an absolute and complete mission impossible.

Bond: Mwwwaah! Mwwuuhhhh!

M: Stop playing about, Bond.

Bond: Quack.

M: Now then. Here are your instructions: Your cover identity will be Gerald Beaverstone.

Bond: Qua-aack.

M: Got—

Bond: Qua-aaa-aack.

M: Yes. Got that?

Bond: Quack. Quack quack.

M: An interior design consultant in Monte Carlo on business with a firm of public relations consultants.

Bond: Quack-quack. Quack quack, quaack.

Music: ‘From Russia with Love’ theme starts up again, then cuts to the main James Bond Theme part, finally down for

Voice-over: (over) Yes, see Dr. No’s sinister henchmen lure Bond into their clutches by throwing him breadcrumbs. Witness the torrid bedroom scene between Bond and the Russian temptress, Olga Cleavage.

Music: out

Olga (Russian accent): Mmmhh. Ohhhhh, James. Ohhhhhoho, mmmhhhhmm, James!

Bond: Quaaaack!

Olga: Oh James.

Bond: Quack?

Olga: Promise me one thing, James.

Bond: Quack.

Olga: That you’ll never let the fact that.. you’re a duck come between us.

F/X: sound of knives being sharpened

Olga: James? James? That noise – good god, don’t move, James!

Bond: Quack.

Olga: There – there’s a, there’s a Cordon Bleu chef crawling up the bed with a dish of orange sauce!

F/X: gun shot

Bond: Quaa-aaaack.

Olga: I got him, James. Careful, put your feathers back on, we must get out of here.

Music: This Never Happened To The Other Fella (starting from around 03:14, from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’)

Voice-over: (over) Yes, hot on the scent of his treacherous adversary, James Bond manages to track Dr. No down to his secret lair by making an appointment at his surgery for two twenty-five on Thursday afternoon!

Music: out

Receptionist: Dr. No will see you now.

Bond: Quack.

Receptionist: Erm, not you, Mr Bond. There are two budgies and a barnacle goose before you. This way, please.

F/X: door handle, door closing

Receptionist: A budgie to see you, Dr. No.

Dr. No (Asian accent): Ahhh, bring it over here, Oddjob. Now then, who’s a pretty boy, then? Who’s a pretty boy? Who is a pretty boy then, hey? Who is a pretty boy?

Eric Pode: Eric Pode of Croydon. Hahhhhhh.

(applause)

Dr. No: Aaaah, I see, it talks. Hand what seem to be your trouble?

Eric Pode: I’m off me millet.

Dr. No: Yes, your feathers, your feathers seem to have all come out.

Eric Pode: Yeah, yeah.

Dr. No: How did this happen?

Eric Pode: Well, me owner’s captain of a darts team, see?

Dr. No: Ahh, I see. And he uses you for his darts?

Eric Pode: Yeah, that’s why me beak’s a bit blunt, see?

Dr. No: I notice you have quite a striking white crest on top of your head, though.

Eric Pode: Oh no, no. I live underneath a parrot.

Dr. No: Aaa haaa, haa. Isn’t he a panic? Well then, let us see how well you can fly.

Eric Pode: Right!

F/X: sound of wings beating, falling tone, ‘bonk’

Eric Pode: How did I do?

Music: Bond Smells A Rat (from ‘Diamonds Are Forever’), then down for

Voice-over: (over) Yes, witness the earth-shattering showdown between Bond and his diabolical enemy.

Music: fades up again for a bit, then fades out

F/X: water dripping, squelching foot steps

Dr. No: So, here we are in the sewers of Monte Carlo, and explaining the fact to ourselves for no apparent reason. Ahh. I know Bond is in here somewhere, and I shall find him, if it’s the last thing I do!

Receptionist: Duck, doctor, duck, duck!

Dr. No: What do you mean, duck?! In what sense of the word?

Receptionist: In the sense of the feathered bird, doctor.

Dr. No: Ohhh, thank goodness. For a second I though you meant—

F/X: falling tone

Dr. No: —I should duck out of the—

F/X: wings flapping

Dr. No: Oughuaaa!

Music: ‘From Russia with Love’ theme starts up again

Voice-over: (over) And at that moment a duck fell on him. Yes, Bond had got his man at last. Don’t miss a duck as the new James Bond in ‘Dr. No’! In electrifying Quackaround and nail-biting Waddle-O-Scope. Coming soon to this intermission!

Music: to conclusion and out

Music: Burkiss Way closing signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: Well, that ends Lesson 19 in our amazing series of correspondence courses, Replace The Burkiss Way. If you’d like to replace Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris with a far more intellectual [??] to get a more tasteful comedy team, simply drop into our alligator pit in Stepney. If you can find a funnier and wittier script than the one by Andrew Marshal and David Renwick, we shouldn’t be at all surprised. Above all, if you know of a cheaper producer than Simon Brett of Stepney, then the Guinness Book of Records would like to hear from you. See you next week folks, till then happy dynamic living!

Music: to finish and out

(applause)

Continuity Announcer: Erm, well in fact the Burkiss Way won’t be back next week, as that was the last in the present series. However, if you’d like to be in the audience for last week’s recording of the show you’ve just heard, the address to write to is ‘The BBC Ticket Unit, Broadcasting House, London W1A 4WW’. And for those of you who didn’t quite catch all of that, here it is again.

Music: Franz Waxman – The Battle of Dubno and Finale from ‘Taras Bulba’

F/X: rowdy battlefield atmosphere on top of the music

Narrator: (over) In the thriteenth century AD, Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes swept across the face of Asia, leaving in their wake terror, destruction and lots of good parts for Yul Brynner. All in their path were put (starts fading out) to the sword in a frenzied orgy of carnage, desiccation and coconuts.

End