Music: Franz Waxman - The Battle of Dubno and Finale from 'Taras Bulba' F/X: rowdy battlefield atmosphere in background Narrator: (over) In the thriteenth century AD, Genghis Khan and his Mongol hordes swept across the face of Asia, leaving in their wake terror, distruction and lots of good parts for Yul Brynner. All in their path were put to the sword in a frenzied orgy of carnage, dessication and coconuts. Music: out Genghis Khan (Nigel): Take that! Ahahahaaa! Haaa! So perish all enemies of Genghis Khan, muuhhaaahaa! Muuhhaa! Muhhaa! F/X: door bell Genghis Khan: That's it men, tie this wretch to these four horses. We'll have him torn apart limb from limb, ahahaaa! F/X: door bell Wife (Jo): Genghis, I think that was the door bell. Genghis Khan: Quiet, woman! Slit this man's throat, Remüjin, that's it, hoaahahaaa! Nyahaaa! F/X: door bell Wife: (insisting) Genghis, there's someone at the door. Genghis Khan: Aaaaahhh! (another shout in the background) Oh, for heaven's sake! F/X: door handle Vicar (Fred): Good afternoon, my son. Genghis Khan: Oh! Oh, it's you, vicar. Errrm, ... F/X: clanking noises, battlefield atmosphere stops Genghis Khan: ... look everyone, it's er... the vicar. Various voices: Ah. / Oh. / Ahh. Genghis Khan: Yes. Various voices: Oh. Vicar: I er, I do hope I haven't called at an inconvenient moment, Mr Khan? Genghis Khan: Ohhhh err... no. No, we were, well we were just slaughtering a few um... er... just having a quiet evening at home really, you know. Vicar: Aha, ohh, good, good. May I come in? Genghis Khan: Well er, a bit difficult at the moment-- Vicar: Oh thank you then, I will. F/X: door closing, wind starts blowing in the background Wife: Erm, I'm sorry the room's in a bit of a mess, vicar. Genghis, where's your manners? Look, the vicar hasn't got anything to sit on. Genghis Khan: Well, don't look at me, I only cut off people's heads. (audience reaction) Oh, I see. Erm, hang on, I'll just shift this Mongol horde out of the way and get him a chair. F/X: hoofbeats as Mongol horde is riding away Vicar: Ah, yes, er thank you. Mm, I don't think we've seen you in church recently, Mr Khan? Genghis Khan: Err no, no I've erm, well, I've been conquering Asia a bit lately, vicar. Haven't I, Remüjin? Remüjin (Chris?, Mongol? accent): Oh yes, true, yes, yes, you've er... you've been conquering Asia quite a lot really, yes. Wife: Yes, that's right, vicar, he gets very busy at weekends. Vicar: Oh yes, I'd er, I'd love a cup of tea, please, two sugars, thank you, thank you. Erm, I say, these bodies lying strewn all over the ground er... Genghis Khan: Oh god, he's noticed them. Vicar: Do, do-do-do you think *they'll* be able to make it er, say for Matins next week perhaps, er? Wife: Erm, er they're all dead, vicar. Vicar: Oh, that's alright, we welcome all denominations. You see, what we're trying to achieve-- dead?! Genghis Khan: Erm... no, er not dead... not *dead* in that sense of the word, vicar. They've just... they're just rehearsing for Crossroads. [NB: Compare Lesson 11, where the land of the dead from which Orpheus has to rescue his darling Eurydice is in fact Crossroads, too.] (applause) Genghis Khan: That right, Remüjin? Remüjin: Oh yes, Sir, yes yes yes, [my ?? ?]... rehearsing for Crossroads, [they are?]. Vicar: Yes but, no chocolate biscuits for me, thank you. Er now I, I-- Genghis Khan: Chocolate biscuits!? We haven't got any chocolate biscuits. Vicar: Oh, alright then, just a plateful. Now the point is, Mr Khan, I wondered whether you would perhaps like to *involve* yourself more in our parish activities? I-I mean, do you fancy the choir at all? (audience reaction) Genghis Khan: Well, only one or two of the younger ones, er... besides I don't conquer choirs much, do I, er Remüjin? Remüjin: Oh yes, true, yes yes, you er, you don't conquer choirs much at all, no Sir. Vicar: Oh, sorry to have troubled you then, Mr Khan, so sorry. I take my leave now and you can get on with er, whatever you were doing. Genghis Khan: Oh, thank you, vicar. F/X: door handle Genghis Khan: Nyyaaahhh... F/X: rowdy battlefield atmosphere starts up again Genghis Khan: ... turn the [??], get back to [??]! F/X: door handle, battlefield atmosphere stops abruptly Vicar: A ha, excuse me, I forgot my hat. Genghis Khan: Oh ha, he. Right. F/X: door slamming shut Vicar: Aha, thank you. F/X: battlefield atmosphere resumes Genghis Khan: Nyaahah, kill the snivelling [??]! Remüjin: I say, I say, too? Genghis Khan: Haaaaah! What is it, Remüjin? Remüjin: I'm sorry to bother you, too, but er, have you seen those invoice triplicates from Whitehall, er thee..the ones concerning the inspection of the new filing cabinets? Genghis Khan: Waahhaa, take that, eh - they're in my in-tray, Remüjin - waahaaa, take that you... F/X: atmosphere fades down Remüjin: I, I can't see them, though, er... not with the severed mandarin's head that you were going to send off last week as a warning to the Empress of China. Genghis Khan: What? Oh! Then if the severed mandarin's head is still in my in-tray, I must have sent the Empress of China the letter about the inspection of the new filing cabinets. Remüjin: Good gracious me, too. You realise what you've done, don't you? Genghis Khan: Er... you don't mean-- Remüjin: Yes. You've written to the Empress asking to have a look at her drawers. (audience reaction) F/X: atmosphere stops Music: The Men from the Ministry signature tune Voice-over (Fred): (over) You've been listening to The Mongols from the Ministry. Starring Deryck Guyler and Stinker Murdoch. With Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris as the Mongol hordes. (fades out) The script was written by the wandering [??] tribesmen of Northern Asia, who... Music: out (short pause) Presenter (Jo): Well, let's see. What did you think of that one, Patrick Moore? Patrick Moore: (speaking very rapidly) Well, to be perfectly honest, I..I d... I didn't really see the point of the idea at all. All those Mongols galopping around the place and, and er... vicars and things coming in and asking for tea and chocolate biscuits or what it-- what it's all about we just *don't know*, and of course, things weren't really improved by the whole thing taking place during the autumn equinox, where... with the [??] we all know, Genghis Khan wouldn't have been visible to the naked bosom, because er... as we all know, bosoms can't see. Although if they, if they, if they could, it would make the job of the optician a lot more enjoyable, and personally, I belive that the-- Presenter: Well erm, thank you, Patrick. Erm, Isobel Barnett, what did you reckon to the programme? Isobel Barnett (falsetto voice): (speaking rapidly, too) Well personally, I r-really thought the same as Patrick. And er... I-I-I do agree that the concept was rather too... mad-capped for Radio Four, I, I-I.. I particularly disliked the idea of the vicar with no hindquarters, er er... you, er er you know the bit where she says 'He's got nothing to sit on.' Erm, er the vision there was of an Anglican in convent, er with a severe buttock deficiency. And I... I, I really think it's reaching rock bottom, aha er... well, when I'm given lines like that to say, and pers-- Presenter: Thank you, Isobel. Right. I think in that case, we'd better move on to the second audition. Next. F/X: door handle, door closing Passer-by (Fred): Hello, is this the BBC audition for a new programme to replace the Burkiss Way when it goes off the air next week at the end of its current thirteen week series? Presenter: That's correct. What can we do for you? Passer-by: Nothing. I just came in to set up the plot. Presenter: Fine. Let's get on then. F/X: door handle, door closing Music: Frederic Chopin - Minute Waltz Announcer: (over) And as the Minute Waltz fades away, we welcome you to another edition of Just A Minute. A panel game controlled, open brackets exclamation mark close brackets, by Nicholas Unbelievable. (applause) Music: out Nicholas Unbelievable (Jo): Hello. My name is Nicholas Unbelievable, and welcome to Just A Minute, the panel game in which I laboriously spell everything out in a rather boring way and repeat myself rather a lot by spelling everything out in a rather boring way by making rather obvious points using my mouth and tongue to talk with and often my words don't seem to make a great deal of sellopods because I just ramble on and on in a sort of er-- Kenneth Williams: Oh, get on with it, you stupid old donkey, we'll be here all day! Nicholas Unbelievable: Well, that was Kenneth Williams there, ladies and gentlemen, who, for the benefit of our listeners at home, just said 'Oh, get on with it, you stupid old donkey, or we're be here all day.' Well, I think that er-- Stagehand: Mr Unbelievable? Nicholas Unbelievable: Yes? Stagehand: Time to have your brain [launched ??]. Nicholas Unbelievable: Oh, thank you.