S02E05 Lesson 11 – Journey Into the Unknown the Burkiss Way

The Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living. Tighten your ectoplasm, fill your pen with invisible ink and fill in your name here and you will have imparted to you Lesson 11: Journey Into the Unknown the Burkiss Way, with transcendental instruction from Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris, an ethereal script by Andrew Marshall and David Renwick and other-worldly production by Simon Brett.

First broadcast on 12 January 1977



Continuity Announcer: This is Radio Four. And now, Limpet’s Hour.

Music: [???] with water bubbles overdubbed

Presenter: Hello, and in today’s Limpet’s Hour, we’ll be looking at the latest limpet fashions, and we’ll be hearing episode forty-five of ‘Limpet Passion’ – by an elderly limpet who likes health foods. First though, this winter’s fashions. June. (pause) Thank you, Sue. Well, the big news this winter is that shells are out. Instead, Dior has gone for the shell look. Susan Small has also chosen the more shell-like shells, including colourful accessories like wraparound shells, chunky shells and full-length flared culotte cut-wide above the knee in the French manner, but shells really. So there we have it – a load of molluscs. But now, episode forty-five of Limpet Passion, read by someone who once made a terrible mistake on a much more important programme.

Music: [???], then down for

Narrator: (over) He held her in his strong manly suckers. ‘Your eyes are like limpet pools,’ he breathed, ‘and your smile warms the cockles of my – cockles.’ Suddenly, he felt as if a huge explosion had knocked all the breath out of him and all at once he realised his true feelings for her. ‘Oh darling, limpet mine,’ he said. But, it was too late. She had gone off.

Music: out

Continuity Announcer: Oh. Well, Limpet’s Hour seems to have ended some fifty-eight minutes early today, so… in the meantime we present: The Burkiss Way.

Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune, continues to where the voice-over would normally start and then fades down

(audience laughter and then applause)

Music: out

(short pause)

(audience laughter)

(short pause)

(audience laughter)

Female Continuity Announcer: Well, we apologise for the loss of actors in this edition of the Burkiss Way. We’re doing our best to rectify the problem, erm in the meantime the programme will continue in sound effects only.

F/X: door handle

F/X: falling noise, object hitting floor

F/X: canned laughter

F/X: choir singing ‘Hallelujah!’ (from Hallelujah Chorus by Händel)

F/X: canned laughter

F/X: cash register bell, drawer closing

Female Continuity Announcer: Ah erm, well, we’re pleased to say we can now return the actors to you. The BBC would like to apologise for the inconvenience of this little disruption, which had absolutely nothing to do with money. (slight pause) At all. (slight pause) Bit.

Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: (over) Yes, and prompt fat BBC payments are the subject of this week’s Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living, because this week we look at the unknown. In just twenty-eight minutes, Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris will teach you absolutely all there is to be known about the unknown – nothing. So, stay tuned now for Lesson 11 in our weird and uncanny series of correspondence courses, Journey Into The Unknown The Burkiss Way.

Music: out

Male Presenter: Hello. Well, as this programme is the last in the series, but eight, we’re (audience reaction) devoting it to a very special and highly complex subject, the supernatural.

Female Presenter: And we’ll be answering for you such tantalising questions as ‘When shouldn’t you lay a ghost?’

Male Presenter: When it’s under sixteen.

Female Presenter: ‘Can black magic be harmful to your health?’

Male Presenter: Not so long as you steer clear of the soft centres.

Female Presenter: ‘And what does it mean when you wake up in the morning with two little red teeth marks on your neck?’

Male Presenter: Mind your own business.

Female Presenter: (nervous cough) We’ll also be finding out what it’s actually like to die – (spoken almost laughingly) unless we get some better jokes.

Male Presenter: Since very early times, people have believed in the idea of reincarnation, or the transmigration of souls after death.

Female Presenter: But how do you actually go about being reincarnated? Well, for a start, you’ll have to attend an interview.

F/X: knocking on door

Interviewer: Come in.

F/X: door handle

Interviewer: Ah, hello. Take a seat please. Erm, you’re the candidate for reincarnation, are you?

Candidate: Yes, that’s right, yes.

Interviewer: Now I must make sure you’re completely dead, first of all.

Candidate: Oh, yes of course.

F/X: gun shot

Candidate: Oooh!

Interviewer: Right, well er, that’s that over. Now then, what did you want to be reincarnated as?

Candidate: Er as a buffalo please.

Interviewer: A buffalo, right. Er you were a buffalo in your previous life, were you?

Candidate: No, no I worked in a garage.

Interviewer: As a buffalo.

Candidate: No.

Interviewer: Near a buffalo?

Candidate: No.

Interviewer: Oh. Well, this is rather tricky. You see, we do generally like candidates to have some experience of their desired life.

Candidate: Well, how do I get the experience?

Interviewer: Well, by being a buffalo of course.

Candidate: You mean, I-I can’t be a buffalo until I’ve been one, already?

Interviewer: Oh you’re Jewish, are you? Oh. Well, I don’t think we could make you a Jewish buffalo, it’s quite unheard of; besides, they look awful in scull caps.

Candidate: Er no, no I… I’m not Jewish.

Interviewer: No, no of course you’re not. Alright then, let’s have a look at your legs.

Candidate: They’re quite hairy. Look.

Interviewer: Not enough, I’m afraid.

Candidate: What, hairs?

Interviewer: No, legs. You see, I knew you weren’t suited for it the moment you came in. And now, to cap it all, you’ve only got three legs! You’re quite unsuitable. Quite unsuitable, I’m afraid; I, I just can’t take the risk of making a garage mechanic a buffalo and having you galop off in the middle of a stampede, plunge under another buffalo and start draining its sump.

Candidate: Oh pleease.

Interviewer: That’s out of the question. Anyway, look at it like this: In the order of things, buffaloes come pretty low down the list; you know, near toads, sloths, eels and the bachelors. You wouldn’t like it.

Candidate: I-I would, I’d love to be a buffalo. Look, watch me, watch this:

Interviewer: Do-dont’t do that please, we’ve just had the carpet cleaned. Look, erm, I’ve got plenty of other vacancies, a deaf chartered accountant, a civil servant who picks his nose, a tramp with a hernia… erm. Don’t any of those appeal to you at all?

Candidate: Look, if I’ve got to take something other than a buffalo, at least make sure it’s not a human. Anything rather than another human.

Interviewer: Oh well, let’s see then… Ah, you’re in luck, I’ve got just the thing. It’s a pike.

Candidate: Oh I’ll take it.

Interviewer: Excellent. Off you go then, Magnus, good luck.

F/X: empty bucket clattering

Candidate: (doing a Magnus Pyke impression) Ah! Good luck, yes! Now, that raises an interesting point, because luck, luck… (fades out)

Music: vibraphone glissando, then Theme From A Summer Place

Voice-over: There will now be a short intermission.

Music: [??, something dramatic], then down for

Ad Voice-over: (over) Coming soon to this intermission: 20th Century Burkiss present: Horror Films for the Nervous. Pictures that you may find a wee bit on the uncomfortable side, but not all that much.

Music: fades up momentarily

Ad Voice-over #2: (over) Thrill to Jules Verne’s nerve-shattering ‘20,000 Bits of Seed Under the Sea’. [Crawl ?] with the unseen horrors of Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘The Loaf and the Pendulum’. Scream at the terrors of ‘I Married a Man from Outer Hackney’.

Music: fades up momentarily

Ad Voice-over: (over) Burkiss Horror Films for the Nervous provide a unique experience in slightly disagreeable motion pictures. Witness the bloodcurdling ‘Dracula, Ponce of Darkness’!

Music: fades up momentarily

F/X: thunderbolt

F/X: reverberating foot steps

Girl: No! No! Keep away!

Dracula: Oh come here butch [bags ?], I want you, —

Girl: Oh no, —

Dracula: —I want you.

Girl: —noo! Noo!

Dracula: Oh come on, come on! Co— uhhh! (slurping noises)

Man: Good god, Charles, look that horrible red stained mouth.

Charles: Ugh.

Man: The insatiable way he’s sucking.

Dracula: (more sucking noises)

Man: He’s pinched her strawberry lolly.

F/X: thunderbolt

Music: dramatic music resumes, then down for

Ad Voice-over #2: (over) From the people who brought you ‘The Fall of the Trousers of Usher’, ‘Quatermass and the Puddle’ and that spine-tingling epic ‘The Curse of the Mummy’ …

Mummy: Oh (bleep) it! You spilled sauce down your shirt.

Mummy Child: Sorry Mummy.

Music: dramatic music resumes, then down for

Ad Voice-over #2: (over) Watch if you dare, the nerve-wracking [Sweedy ?] Todd: The Demon Barber’.

Music: out

F/X: scissors cutting hair

F/X: wooden objects falling to the floor and clattering

Barber: (over) Mmm, that’s some dandruff you’ve got there, Mr Smethwick.

Music: dramatic music resumes, then down for

Ad Voice-over: (over) Yes, the theatre management can accept no liability for any member of the audience who says ‘Dear me’, or ‘Well, I never’ during this performance. Burkiss Horror Films for the Nervous, coming soon to this intermission!

Music: to dramatic finale & out

Female Presenter: Hello, and welcome back to our course on the unknown. Well with us now we have a distinguished expert in life after death. He’s head of the Practical Séance Department at Cambridge University, Professor Leibniz Ectoplasm. Professor Ectoplasm, in your expert opinion, is life possible after death?

(pause)

Female Presenter: Er, give one knock for yes, two knocks for no.

F/X: ‘knock, knock’

Female Presenter: So there we are: ‘Yes yes,’ says Professor Ectoplasm. Another man who certainly ought to know a thing or two about the subject, but unfortunately doesn’t, is Eric Pode of Croydon.

Eric Pode: Good evening.

Female Presenter: Er, Mr Croydon, what are you doing?

Eric Pode: I’m waving to my wife.

Female Presenter: This is the radio.

Eric Pode: Oh sorry, they look very much alike, don’t they?

Female Presenter: Mr Croydon, —

Eric Pode: Yeah…

Female Presenter: —I understand you come from a background of the black arts.

Eric Pode: That’s right, yeah, my father was magical by profession.

Female Presenter: How do you mean?

Eric Pode: It was a miracle he ever got a job. Haaaaaahh…

Female Presenter: And I believe your house was possessed by evil fiends.

Eric Pode: Yes, Lewisham Borough Council. Haaaaahhh… I got all these off Ken Dodd, you know?

Female Presenter: It’s alright, I shouldn’t think he’s missed them. Er Mr Croydon, I gather you have the power of levitation…

Eric Pode: Correct, yeah.

Female Presenter: … and anything you touch immediately starts to rise.

Eric Pode: Correct, yeah.

Female Presenter: Right, well I think that’s about as far as I wish to pursue that. Er Mr Croydon, thank you and get out.

Eric Pode: A pleasure! — Well it would have been if I…

Male Presenter: A large number of books have of course been written on the subject of the unknown, one of our women correspondents for example frequently curls up with ‘Weekly Anasimov’ – although sometimes she curls up with him and doesn’t. So let’s examine for a minute some of the latest publications on the market.

Music: The Beatles – Paperback Writer, then fade out for

Melvyn Bragg (rather nasally-sounding impression): Er good evening, and tonight on ‘This Programme Is Way Above Your Level’, we talk to Erik von Kontrik, author of such bestselling books as ‘Spaceships of the Gods’, ‘Some More of Me Spaceships of the Gods’, and ‘It Shouldn’t Happen to Spaceships of the Gods’. Er now, Professor von Kontrik, er one of the most interesting things er about your series of books, in which you claim that mankind is descended from beings from outer space, is that they all seek to prove exactly the same thing, using exactly the same evidence. Now… why is this?

Erik von Kontrik (strong German accent): Er you sink zey’re all the same? Er, have you read zem all?

Melvyn Bragg: Well yes I have, th-that’s, that’s why I—

Erik von Kontrik: Er, so vat does it matter if they’re all the same if you read zem all? I mean to say zat’s all [??]

Melvyn Bragg: Oh I see, I see. You are only in it for the money? Er does this mean that you don’t actually believe what you say, that man is descended from extraterrestrial life forms?

Erik von Kontrik: Erm, how can I not belive it? Ze evidence is incontrovertible.

Melvyn Bragg: Er and do you use that same evidence again in, in your new book coming out next week?

Erik von Kontrik: No, no no no, I use entirely new evidence, zat I have manufactured— er discovered, ha ha, [all ?] discovered over ze last year.

Melvyn Bragg: Er, to prove that man is descended from the… stars?

Erik von Kontrik: Er no, nein nein nein, to prove that man is descended from the ants.

Melvyn Bragg: Ants? Ants, you you mean that this displaces your theory that he came from the stars?

Erik von Kontrik: Oh nein nein. Nein, they’re just aimed at different sectors of ze market. This one, this one is directed at ant enthusiasts, you see.

Melvyn Bragg: But this is incredible—

Erik von Kontrik: Zats the point, it’s incredible. I’ve got a new kiddies’ book coming out, too: Zat is based on incontrovertible proof, zat mankind is descended from little fluffy white kittens, in pink pants. [Kittens, ja. ??] And also, a natty little number for lonely Hausfrau, proving that mankind is descended from Sacha Distel. Ah, a lovely chapter on primeval slime in zat one.

F/X: sci-fi UFO noises, ray gun whoosh, building creaking as it’s being pulled open (continues in background)

Melvyn Bragg: It’s a bit… er erm erm, what was that?

Erik von Kontrik: And er, and I've worked out zat ze ant book will get me a new yacht, the fluffy kittens book will buy me a couple of those razer nice Lagondas, —

Melvyn Bragg: Shh shh shh shh shh shh…

F/X: ray gun whoosh

Melvyn Bragg: Something’s going wrong. Erm er I—

Alien (electronically distorted voice with a lot of echo): Erik von Kontrik?

Erik von Kontrik: Er, er ja? Ja?

Alien: I am Ooolommmmmm-ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba of the race of your forefathers, from the Galaxy of Smegmon …on …on …

Erik von Kontrik: Er—

Alien: We come for our cut …cut …cut …

Erik von Kontrik: Cut? Er w-what cut?

Alien: Don’t try and mess me about, Professor.

Erik von Kontrik N-nein, nein.

Alien: They don’t call me Ooolommmmmm-ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba’ba’ba’ba… for nothing, you know? …know? …know? …know?

F/X: further crumbling noises from the building (continues in background for the next cue)

Melvyn Bragg: My god! My god, this has got to be the most incredible sight the world has ever seen. An enormous alien monster has smashed its way into the building here, and it’s, it’s indescribable, it’s absolutely indescribable. Er it’s at moments like this that I really wish I worked in television, because… w-well well, because to.. to be.. to be honest, they..they pay a bit better and er… and it..and it [??] certainly seems to be a more glamorous life, er er… well I mean you walk into the bar at Television Centre, it’s a..it’s a whole different world, isn’t it? An- and just because work in radio they treat you like some sort of.. country bumpkin. B-but I know that if I did work in television I’d still keep up with my old friends in radio you see, because I, I’d still respect radio, because I think it’s a very important and valid medium. I-it’s, it’s just that I would rather work in television, that’s all.

Alien: [??]

Erik von Kontrik: Leave my arm! Give it back! Ahhhhh!

Alien: [We will now ?? ?]

Melvyn Bragg: [Well ?], my only wish that you could see this, —

Erik von Kontrik: Nein!!

Melvyn Bragg: —Ooolommmmmm-ba’ba’ba’ba’ba­’ba’ba’ba has picked up Professor Kontrik now, —

Erik von Kontrik: (receding into the distance) [I want back! ?]

Melvyn Bragg: —and he’s taking him out to the gleaming white spaceship standing like a proud tower in the remains of Langham Place. And there aren’t any of those slobs from television getting a look in here! Naah, they’re probably all standing round in their (mockingly) smart little Television Centre bar, drinking gin and tonics, huahaha, (normal) while out here on radio we’re actually witnessing history in the making! Only you can’t actually see it.

F/X: large number of marching foot steps approaching (continues in background)

Melvyn Bragg: And wait a minute! Wait a minute. Something is happening. What a turnup! There’s a positive tidal wave of very determined-looking ants sweeping up Oxford Street. And they look as if they mean business alright. Oohhh, eat your heart out, Richard Baker, you’re not getting any o’ this! And, and, and here come the fluffy white kittens now!

F/X: kittens meowing, ants continue marching

Melvyn Bragg: Yes, they’re moving in with their business manage— Oh my god! I think the, the worst is yet to come! My god yes, the very worst, this is it!! Ahhh!! Oh this is the end!! Ahhh…

Music: short burst of Sacha Distel – Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

F/X: high-pitched beep

(pause)

Continuity Announcer: I’m sorry, we seem to have had a slight technical hitch there, what you’ve just heard was in fact just an imaginary interview and did not actually take place. In fact, we would like to emphasise that particularly imaginary were the remarks made by the imaginary interviewer which seemed to suggest that there might be any feelings of bitterness or resentment between radio and television staff. In fact, television staff only get paid very slightly more than radio staff er, though we admit that.. there is a slight difference and.. we in radio also have a perfectly good and worthwhile bar for having a nice drink and a bit of a chat in, and.. there’s nothing to complain about at all in that area, even if some of the lino is a bit scruffy at the edges, but [erm ?]… Erm… ahem..hrm… Now, we return you to the last few minutes of the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living.

Female Presenter: Well, I’m not all that worried about the money in radio, are you?

Male Presenter: Well erm, I wouldn’t mind a dress allowance.

Female Presenter: Don’t know. Thought you look quite nice in that barrel.

Male Presenter: Yes… but the knothole at the front isn’t really big enough. In fact, I’d rather have a—

Female Presenter: (clears her throat)

Male Presenter: What?

Female Presenter: (quietly) I think we’re back.

Male Presenter: What? O-oh. (nervous laugh) Ahem. And so we come to the end of our programme on the unknown, and we finish off with a more detailed look at one couple’s experience of the land of the dead in the Burkiss Way in Action:

Music: [??], then down for

Narrator: (over) Since the beginning of time, people everywhere have been fascinated by great romances. Lovers like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor have brought pleasure to millions the world over, which explained why they look so exhausted. This is the story of Orpheus and Eurydice Sproat:

Music: fades up again momentarily, turns into romantic sounding piano & strings section

Narrator: (over) Orpheus Sproat had met his wife Eurydice one year in a little nightclub in Paris, which was a bit embarrassing as he told her he was on a business trip to Carlisle. Now, they were renting a council slum in East London, and for Orpheus, times were extremely hard.

Music: out

F/X: clock ticking, water dripping

Orpheus: Er, the little hand’s on Mickey Mouse, and the other hand’s on Donald Duck… so what does that mean?

Eurydice: It means it’s time to stop playing with your toys and go to bed. Honestly Orpheus, when you gonna get a job?

Orpheus: You’re right. It is time I got some work. I kn..I know, Orpheus. Why didn’t I think of it before? Orpheus was a singer. A singer, don’t you understand?

Eurydice: You mean…

Orpheus: Yes! I’ll get a job as a sewing machine.

Music: starts up again

Narrator: (over) But when that job fell through, Orpheus Sproat decided to sing after all. He took lessons from Tom Jones on how to make it really big (audience reaction), and before long got his first spot on television’s No. 1 talent show, New Embarrassments.

Music: New Faces theme (Carl Wayne – You’re a Star)

F/X: applause

Presenter: Good evening and welcome to another edition of New Embarrassments, and our first act tonight is a very funny club comedian from Liverpool, let’s have a very big warm welcome for talented impressionist Jerry Milhope.

F/X: polite applause

Jerry: (doing a Frank Spencer impression) Hmm, Betty, umm…

F/X: applause

Presenter: Ha hahahahaha, ha ha. Jerry Milhope there of Liverpool. John Read-It-All-Off-A-Card, how would this boy go down in your nightclub?

John: Er, Marian looks good, and has a fine pair of jugglers. The jugglers look good and I think if there was…

Presenter: Er, well, while John’s answering that lets move on to our next act, a singer from East London, ladies and gentlemen – Orpheus Sproat.

Orpheus: Ahem. (singing) Ohh, for the wings, —

Audience (various people): Get on with it! Get off! [??] etc.

Orpheus: —for the wings of a dove…

F/X: machine gun fire

Music: Orpheus theme music starts up again

Narrator: (over) And it was at this point that Orpheus received the final crushing blow to his ambitions as a star – he won the show. The following day, he decided that there was only one way to raise money for himself and Eurydice – insure his life for a million pounds, and then kill himself.

Music: out

F/X: windy atmosphere

Orpheus: Right, here I am, standing on top of this bridge, talking to myself, in a thoroughly unnatural fashion. Now, just tie this heavy anvil round my neck with this rope and then, throw it over. Uggh!

F/X: falling noise disappearing into the distance for quite a while, then a distant splash

(pause)

Orpheus: Damn, must have made the rope too long. (audience reaction) I, I’ll just have to blow me brains out with this gun.

F/X: gun shot

(short pause)

Orpheus: Missed. Now there’s only one thing for it, I shall have to blow myself up.

Narrator: And later that day, in Orpheus’s bedroom…

Orpheus: Now, I’ve wired up the explosives, now all I have to do is… (strained) press this plunger!

F/X: foot steps

Orpheus: Hang on th.., there’s somebody outside playing a sound effect of foot steps. I, I-I-I’ll better put this detonator underneath the bed.

F/X: banging/clanging noises as the detonator is being moved, door handle

Orpheus: Oh, oh mother! Mother.

Mother: (tearful) Orpheus! I don’t know how to tell you this!

Orpheus: What, mother?

Mother: It’s Eurydice, oooooohhhhh…

Orpheus: What are you trying to tell me?

Mother: She’s, she’s…

Orpheus: Come on, out with it, don’t hold it back.

Mother: … she’s, she’s got a job in Crossroads!

Orpheus: I, Iii…, I can’t believe it.

Mother: Oh few people can. She’s [??], she signed on this morning, Orpheus. She’s, she’s gone to the land of the dead, from which no man returns alive! (sobs)

Orpheus: Then, I shall follow her, down into that place of lost souls and bring her back.

Mother: Oh no Orpheus, noo!

Music: Orpheus theme music starts up again, then down for

Narrator: (over) And fired with a burning passion for his loved one, Orpheus descended from the land of the living to ATV, where he crossed through the purgatory of Celebrity Squares, until he came across the treacherous nether regions of Meg Richardson.

F/X: TV set atmosphere with various voices talking across each other

Music: sounding ominously

Orpheus: So, this is Crossroads, the land of the dead. Can my darling Eurydice be found in this land of zombielike creatures?

Music: out

Director: Alright, alright alright, come on loves, come along, we got just ten minutes left before lunch, and that’s just about time to rehearse the next thirty-five shows. Er, Sandyyyy? It’s alright loves, alright. Right, Eurydicee – Eurydice where have you been? We’ve been waiting for hours.

Eurydice: (?? accent) Oh, I’m sorry I got held up in embalming.

Director: Ohh, hurry up, hurry up.

Orpheus: Eu— Eurydice. Eurydice my love.

Eurydice: What’ya want, mister? I got a tray of tea and biscuits to delivery[??] now. I can’t stand around waiting talking to you, I’m always delivering tea and biscuits—

Orpheus: Eurydice, —

Eurydice: (simultaneously)[??]

Orpheus: (simultaneously) —what have they done to you?

Eurydice: Oh no, I-I’ve got to go off with my tea and biscuits…

Orpheus: Ohh, oh Eurydice, can you ever forgive me for the wrongs I have done? I’ll get you out of this land of the dead if it’s the last thing I do.

Narrator: And a day later, back in the land of the living:

Eurydice: (voice back to normal) Orpheus, I still don’t know how you persuaded the director to release me.

Orpheus: I had to do him a little… favour.

Eurydice: What sort of favour?

Orpheus: Well I don’t think we need to go into that. The main thing, the main thing is that you are free, my love. To think that I was going to commit suicide, I’d even got the detonator! Well – that’s all past now. Come, let’s celebrate your release, my darling. Let’s have an early night.

Eurydice: Ooh. Very well Orpheus.

Orpheus: Come into bed. Ohh!

F/X: detonator plunger being depressed, explosion

Eurydice: (?? accent again) What perishing twit left a ruddy detonator under the bed then?

Orpheus: (same accent) I’m sorry luv, I forgot all about it.

Eurydice: We’ll just have to go back to serving tea and biscuits…

Orpheus: (simultaneously) [I don’t know ??… ?]

Music: Burkiss Way closing signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: Would you like to be explosive in bed, would you really like to set women alight, then apply now to the Burkiss Joan of Arc correspondence course, care of Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris. You too could attract women like flies, providing you don’t mind women like flies. All you have to do is send off for these and other rare jokes to Andrew Marshall and David Renwick, or for additional jokes to John Lloyd and Douglas Adams. If you like to drop into our showrooms and browse around producer Simon Brett of Stepney, then feel free. Any more and it’ll cost you. See you next week folks, and happy dynamic loving!

Music: to finish & out

End