S02E04 Lesson 10 – Govern Britain the Burkiss Way

The Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living. Join the Burkiss Electoral Roll by filling in your name here. Then put a cross in the box not provided and you will receive Lesson 10: Govern Britain the Burkiss Way, with democratic instruction from Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris, a proportionally representative script by Andrew Marshall and David Renwick and a ministerial production by Simon Brett.

First broadcast on 5 January 1977

Continuity Announcer: This is Radio Four. And now, before we spend another hilarious half hour with the Burkiss Way, we’ve just got time to play you the thing that goes…

Music: The Thing That Goes… (listen to it)

Continuity Announcer: But before that, news of your listening later today here on Radio Four.

Music: first half of The Thing That Goes… (listen to it)

Continuity Announcer: Well that was of course an excerpt from the thing that goes…

Music: The Thing That Goes… (listen to it)

Continuity Announcer: And you can hear the whole of that in just a few minutes here on Radio Four. That’s followed by me saying ‘This is Radio Four’, which is of course a repeat of me saying ‘This is Radio Four’ first broadcast on Radio Four just before I started telling you about Radio Four programmes later today here on Radio Four. After that it’ll be time for an announcement about the programme that follows next here on Radio Four – The Burkiss Way.

(short pause)

Music: The Thing That Goes… (listen to it)

Continuity Announcer: This is Radio Four.

Female Continuity Announcer: And now, it’s time for the Burkiss Way.

(short pause)

Continuity Announcer: Well, that was an excerpt from Radio Four announcer Deirdre Smoth’s announcement about the Burkiss Way, and you can hear the whole of that announcement right now here on Radio Four.

(short pause)

Yet Another Announcer: This is Radio Four. And now, the Archers. Oh, oh! I, I’m sorry, I’m s…, I’m very sorry, I’ll, I’ll read that again. Ahem. And now, The Archers.

Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: (over) Do you have trouble reading annoncements on the roudio? Would you rather be doing something more interesting, like learning how to make millions or maybe even just one or two, well so would I. But instead, we’ve got to listen to Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris in this week’s course on the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living. So stay tuned now for Lesson 10, Govern Britain The Burkiss Way.

Music: out

Male Presenter: Good evening. Or if you’re listening to the lunchtime edition of this show, good evening and hard luck! Have you ever wondered what it would be like actually to govern Great Britain? Several recent prime ministers have. And yet, sweeping to power and taking over the reigns of the country can be a comparatively simple process if we follow the method of our mentor and presiding genius, Professor Emil Burkiss.

F/X: choir singing ‘Hallelujah!’ (from Hallelujah Chorus by Händel)

Female Presenter: You may of course be a politician already, or, on the other hand, you may be a Conservative. Either way, you’ll know that winning elections isn’t easy. Er, Mister Arthur Cerebellum, I understand you have never actually become an MP in your life.

F/X: clock ticking

Arthur Cerebellum (sounding rather thick): Er, that… that is… correct, yes.

Female Presenter: Er w—

Arthur Cerebellum: Yes.

Female Presenter: Why is this?

Arthur Cerebellum: Er, I possess the intelligence of a brick. I, I have a IQ of minus five point six…, and I think that Ten Downing Street is a crossword puzzle clue.

Female Presenter: I see, erm. Er, but why have you never become an MP?

Arthur Cerebellum: Ah, I suffer from insomnia.

F/X: clock ticking stops

Male Presenter: Yes, tragic. And yet, Arthur Cerebellum is just one of thousands of people – all over the country. It makes you think, doesn’t it? Let’s hope it has the same effect on our politicians. Well, rather than go through our course stage by stage, we’re now going to devote the rest of the programme to a detailed documentary about the run-up to and the winning of a general election. It will be helpful if you keep a pencil and some paper handy, just in case you want to wrap up a pencil while a [??].

Music: [???]

John Sideboards: Good evening, … or for lunchtime listeners, good evening and don’t let the gravy boil over. In tonight’s Tonight, we talk to the head of the Inland Revenue at his home in Transylvania. Ludovic Kennedy will be looking at Margaret Thatcher – and serve him right, and Melvyn Bragg will be meeting a man with two navels, who does a rather novel impression of Jimmy Durante. And of course the hot news of the week, Sue Lawley’s visit to the dry cleaners – but first, today’s by-election. And over now for an on-the-spot report from Clifford Hushed-Voice.

F/X: background murmur

Clifford Hushed-Voice: Good evening, or remember to watch the sprouts. Welcome here to Prestwick Town Hall, where we’re just now awaiting the results of this very very crucial midterm by-election to be announced.

Returning Officer: (clears her throat) As returning officer for this constituency, it is my duty to declare the results of the ballot as follows: Thomas Arthur Tory.

Clifford Hushed-Voice: Conservative.

Returning Officer: Fifteen thousand six hundred and seventy-three votes. Norman Richard Labour.

Clifford Hushed-Voice: Conservative, but he’s embarrassed by Margaret Thatcher.

Returning Officer: Sixteen thousand nine hundred and thirty-four votes. James Nigel Marxist.

Clifford Hushed-Voice: Conservative, but reads books.

Returning Officer: Thirteen votes. Reginald Montmorency Nothing.

Clifford Hushed-Voice: Liberal.

Returning Officer: Eighteen hundred million five hundred and sixty-seven thousand two hundred and forty-four toads.

F/X: crowd cheering

Clifford Hushed-Voice: And they’ve done it, the Liberals have done it! They’ve said all through this campaign they were going solidly for the toad vote. And could this be the start of a new revival for the party now? Back to John Sideboards in the studio.

John Sideboards: Yes, so there we are, the Liberals have scored a convincing majority there. It looks as though they really got the toads solidly behind them. Bob Swingometer?

Bob Swingometer: Well yes, I don’t know about solidly, John, the breakdown of results just coming in does show that a significant number of bullfrogs abstained in this election; and several hundred newts were unable to find their way to the polling stations. Added to which of course was the very wet day, which always leads to a deceptively high turnout by amphibious voters, so I don’t think we should read too much into these results.

John Sideboards: David Dimble-Hairstyle, I am sure many of us were rather surprised to learn that a toad could actually vote in an election.

David Dimble-Hairstyle: Oh yes, providing it’s over eighteen and not an undischarged bankrupt. A.. a.. and in fact the Liberals do deserve a lot of credit for being the first to realise the vote catching potential of pond life in this election.

John Sideboards: Thank you, David. Robin?

Robin: Oh yes well, to examine that question a little more closely we have with us a typical member of the Liberal party, Mister Engelbert Novelty, a thirty-five stone dog food advertiser from the Outer Hebrides. And next to him we have a Conservative, a member of the Labour party, Mrs Shirley Jenkins. Next to her, we’re very pleased to have a toad. Now before we start, Mister Novelty, let’s just have a look at part of the campaign which led up to this stunning win by your party in Prestwick today. Here’s Dominic Harrod and here’s a soggy lump of blotting paper.

F/X: park atmosphere, with birds chirping and the occasional toad croaking

Dominic Harrod: Prestwick Municipal Gardens. Not the first place you’d think of coming to, to drum up votes on the eve of a crucial by-election. And yet, that’s exactly what local Liberal candidate Reg Nothing has set out to do. Because Mister Nothing is canvassing among toads.

F/X: toads croaking while Mister Nothing speaks

Reginald Nothing: Good afternoon, er… I wonder if you could er spare me a minute or two of your time, er ha…Er my name is Nothing, er er, and I’m your Liberal candidate in tomorrow’s by-election.

Toad: (croak, croak)

Reginald Nothing: Er yes, yes yes, I know, but th.. this is.. you see, this is.. this stems directly from the deficiencies inherent in our constitution.

Toad: (croak, croak)

Reginald Nothing: No, no no no, not at all. Er I mean, I, we we should keep a much tighter reign on public spending, you see…

Toad: (croak, croak, croak!)

Reginald Nothing: Look, there’s no need to take that attitude—

F/X: door slamming shut

Dominic Harrod: Another failure for Reg Nothing. I asked him what made him do it.

Reginald Nothing: (nervous laugh) Well, well of course that particular case was er er p-purely an isolated one. Er er er, the plain simple fact is that the average toad in this country is sick to the teeth with our outmoded two party system.

Dominic Harrod: And they’d all rather see a Liberal as their new MP?

Reginald Nothing: Er, well no, they they’d rather see a toad, but er a Liberal is the next best thing.

Robin: Well Mister Novelty, the question I must put to you is this: Who dreamed up this whole toad idea in the first place?

Engelbert Novelty: Well, it were our party’s economics experts.

Robin: Pardo?

Engelbert Novelty: I said it were our party’s economics experts. And what’s more, it’s going to get us back into government.

Robin: Back into government.

Engelbert Novelty: Aye.

Robin: But the question I must put to you is this: How do you see the public reacting to your already stated pledge to bring in a new ‘Snails on Wheels’ service and introduce free tadpole clinics on the National Health?

Engelbert Novelty: They’ll get used to it.

Robin: I see. Well, back to John now for some more late news.

F/X: teleprinter in background

John Sideboards: Yes and the startling news just [in ?] on the tape is that to cope with the Liberal threat, the prime minister has just announced a shock new cabinet reshuffle, replacing nearly all of the top ministers with characters from the Beano. Over now to Angela Contactlens with the details.

Angela Contactlens: And the savage list of sackings by Mister Callaghan this evening has already rocked Westminster – out go Michael Foot and Shirley Williams and in come Little Plum, Your Redskin Chum and the Bash Street Kids. Other changes: Social services secretary Mister David Ennals makes way for General Jumbo and his Private Army; and Harold Lever is relieved of his post as Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster by Biffo the Bear and Buster. Dennis the Menace is Chancellor of the Exchequer, so no change there.

John Sideboards: Well, we will be keeping you posted with all the latest news on the political front there, but right now, the story that’s on everybody’s lips this evening: Sue Lawley’s visit today to the dry cleaners in North Acton. Sue Lawley was there.

F/X: door handle, car can be heard idling outside, door closing

Sue Lawley: Erm, good evening, or don’t forget to stir the soup. Is this the dry cleaners?

Shop Assistant: Yes, Madam!

Sue Lawley: I see. And are you the assistant standing behind the counter?

Shop Assistant: Yes, Madam!

Sue Lawley: The plump, discreetly sunburned, dark-haired assistant?

Shop Assistant: Yes, Madam!

Sue Lawley: With the small but telltale mole visible on the left arm, below your brilliant yellow short-sleeved sweater, contrasting starkly with the muted pastel shades of the advertisement-covered walls?

Shop Assistant: That’s right, Madam!

(slight pause)

Sue Lawley: It’s no substitute for television, is it?

Shop Assistant: No. Right, well, can I help you?

Sue Lawley: Yes. I’ve brought some clothes in to be dry-cleaned.

Shop Assistant: Some what, Madam?

Sue Lawley: Erm, some clothes.

Shop Assistant: Some clothes?! Look, Madam, this is a dry cleaners, not a holiday camp! Don’t waste my time if you please, good day!

Sue Lawley: Er… I’m sorry, I, I understood you cleaned clothes for people.

Shop Assistant: Cor! Where did you get that idea, pal?

Sue Lawley: Erm, er, the sign in the window that says ‘We clean clothes for people’.

Shop Assistant: No, no. We don’t do that.

Sue Lawley: Why have you got a sign saying you do, then?

Shop Assistant: Erm… (long pause) It’s in code.

Sue Lawley: In code.

Shop Assistant: That’s right, pal.

Sue Lawley: What does it actually say then?

Shop Assistant: Erm… says, ‘We clean clothes for people’. (pause) It’s a very simple code.

Sue Lawley: Don’t give me that. Look, I want this coat cleaned, please.

F/X: paper rustling

Shop Assistant: Cleaned?

Sue Lawley: Yes. I want you to clean this coat for me.

Shop Assistant: Can’t you clean it yourself?

Sue Lawley: I don’t want to clean it myself, I want you to clean it.

Shop Assistant: I can’t make this out. Hang on, I’ll have to ring my superiors.

F/X: dialling, ringback tone

Shop Assistant: Hello? Mister Perskins? Got a lady down here wants us to clean a cat for her.

Sue Lawley: Coat.

Shop Assistant: Sorry. Wants us to coat a cat for her.

Sue Lawley: (slowly) Clean a coat.

Shop Assistant: What? Yeah. Wants us to clean a coat for her.

Superior (over the telephone): Well Waterton, I’m rather tied up with work at the moment.

Shop Assistant: Oh! I’m sorry to hear you’re rather tied up with work at the moment.

Superior: And I’ve got an important client in here with me.

Shop Assistant: Oh I see. You’ve got an important client in there with you.

Superior: I think under the circumstances you’d better go ahead and humour her.

Shop Assistant: Oh, you think that under the circumstances, I’d better go ahead and humour her, do you?

Superior: Waterton, the listeners can hear my voice at the other end of the phone you know.

Shop Assistant: Oh I see, the listeners can hear your voice at the other end of the phone, can they?

Superior: Yes, so stop repeating everything!

Shop Assistant: Right, I’ll stop repeating everything.

F/X: phone handset being replaced on cradle

Shop Assistant: Oh right madam, one coat cleaned, is it? Alright, when did you want it by?

Sue Lawley: Well, the end of the month would be fine.

Shop Assistant: End of the month?! Cor, be reasonable pal! There is a war on, you know.

Sue Lawley: No, there isn’t.

Shop Assistant: Isn’t there?

Sue Lawley: No. It finished ages ago.

Shop Assistant: Oh. Les…

Les: (muffled from the background) Yees?

Shop Assistant: Don’t bother to rush with those ARP wardens’ uniforms.

Les: (from background) Yees.

Shop Assistant: Right, this coat. Did you want it Retex?

Sue Lawley: Wh..what exactly is Retex?

Shop Assistant: 50 p more.

Sue Lawley: Ah, yes. Alright.

Shop Assistant: Right. Goodbye.

Sue Lawley: Hang on, don’t you want my name and phone number?

Shop Assistant: Don’t kid yourself, lady.

(audience reaction)

Sue Lawley: (deliberately) I mean for the ticket.

Shop Assistant: Oh yes. Just fill this in.

Sue Lawley: Right. And I might add it’s the last time I shall come here for my dry cleaning. Good day.

F/X: door handle, outside street atmosphere starts

Sue Lawley: Well, from dry-cleaning we move on to the country’s economy. And we look at que—

F/X: door handle

Shop Assistant: Here. Could you wash a pair of socks for me?

Sue Lawley: I beg your pardon?

Shop Assistant: Well be fair. We’re cleaning your coat and… could you wash a pair of socks for me?

Sue Lawley: Certainly not.

Shop Assistant: Alright. Just put this vest in soap then. It’s not much to ask.

Sue Lawley: Get out of my way, please. I’m doing an important BBC Current Affairs broadcast. (clears her throat) The economy. And reports just coming in to our London studio show that it’s been a very tough day for Britain on the foreign exchange with the pound slipping fifteen cents against the dollar, following an adverse episode of The Gambols in the Daily Express. But what can we do about this disastrous menace? Well, we can stop reading it an— oh. I hand you back to the studio, because some more shock results are just coming in. John Sideboards.

F/X: teleprinter atmosphere in background

John Sideboards: Ah yes, thank you Sue, and the devastating news here is that three minutes ago, a general election on the issue ‘Who runs the country – the government or the unions?’ was called – by Joe Gormley. And we’ve just heard that the election has been won by the Liberals, yes. Er th.. the water voles are asking for a recount, but I don’t think there’s any doubt that we’ve got here now our first Liberal government for sixty-nine years. Er Bob McKenzie, that big thing you’re swinging backwards and forwards in the corner, er what does that show?

Bob Swingometer: Well basically it shows ‘I’m as nutty as a fruitcake’, but I think it’s very interesting at this point to speculate what kind of measures will be introduced now by a party with absolutely no experience of government whatever.

John Sideboards: Well, we’re about to discover the answer to that any minute, because the Liberals are already rushing through their new budget. A few minutes ago, when the new Chancellor left Downing Street, he had with him his familiar battered old bag – but unfortunately no punchline whatsoever.

F/X: teleprinter starting up again

John Sideboards: Ah, ah, just a moment! And we have now news of the Chancellor’s first crisis measure coming through, yes, I think— yes, y..yes, yes, it’s two inches off table legs. Two inches off the legs of all tables – dining, kitchen or lounge as from July the first. Er Peter Oppenheimer, how useful is this move likely to be?

Peter Oppenheimer: Well, table height adjustment policies tend to be pretty ineffective in reducing public spending, but er, on the other hand er… on the other hand they don’t really do anything else, either. I, in fact they’re quite quite useless.

John Sideboards: A bloody waste of time.

Peter Oppenheimer: Well, I-I-I-I.. I wouldn’t say that, John, though.

John Sideboards: Wouldn’t you?

Peter Oppenheimer: Well, yes I would, I’m—

F/X: teleprinter starting up again

John Sideboards: Oh I’m-I’m-I’m-I’m sorry to interrupt there, I’m sorry to interrupt, Peter, but the, er the moves are coming thick and fast now, that— oh what’s this? Yes, yes well, this was on the cards all along of course, putting on after-shave reduced to three smacks on each cheek. Er Peter…

Peter Oppenheimer: Yes yes, nothing surprising there, although it-it is interesting to note that the rate remains the same for men and women.

John Sideboards: Yes, —

Peter Oppenheimer: Yes.

John Sideboards: —yes. Oh! Er just a moment, just a moment, there’s something else coming in here now er—

Peter Oppenheimer: Ah, ah look.

John Sideboards: —what, what have we here? Oh yes, yes, now, this is— ah I thought so – crusts cut off all ham sandwiches. Well well well, for the er… for the union reaction to that back to Robin.

Robin: And with me now to be cruelly insulted are top union leaders Arthur Cant and [Mike ?] McBigotry. Mr Cant, the question I must put to you is this: How do you see this radical redevelopment of the country’s economy affecting free collective wage bargaining?

Arthur Cant: Er, er.. Sheffield Wednesday. (slight pause) Is it?

Robin: No, no. M-Mis..Mister McBigotry?

McBi­g⁠otry (Scottish accent): Would it be err Arthur Askey?

Robin: Er no, no I’m sorry. The correct answer was ‘We have a situation at this moment in time whereby maximum maneuverability at this moment in time cannot be maintained at this moment in time.’

Arthur Cant & McBi­g⁠otry: (together) [Oh gosh ?? ?].

Robin: Well back to you, John.

F/X: teleprinter in background

John Sideboards: Er well the Chancellor, Mr Cyril Smith has nearly finished his budget speech now. Er but when he sits down the ministers at the other end of the bench are expected to hit the roof.

F/X: thud, ‘sproing’

John Sideboards: Ah yes, there they go now!

F/X: slightly falling tone receding into the distance, then crashing/clattering noises

Ministers: Owww! Oohhohou!

John Sideboards: So what a controversial speech there. Yes, even more controversial now is expected to be the Liberal’s forthcoming new piece of legislative reform. The notorious Pun Bill. Back to Angela Contactlens.

Angela Contactlens: Well briefly, the effect of the new Pun Bill if passed by parliament will be to outlaw the use of all play on words, and prohibit the display and broadcasting of puns in any form. With me now is Rupert Smut, the editor of the top-selling daily tabloid ‘The Pun’, which is of course famous for its regular page three wordplays, like:

F/X: leafing through newspaper

Angela Contactlens: ‘Couple fall out at dance, girl says she’ll wear a higher neckline next time.’

F/X: leafing through newspaper

Angela Contactlens: ‘Man takes off in a jumbo jet, zoo says he shouldn’t have stood so close behind elephant.’

F/X: leafing through newspaper

Angela Contactlens: ‘Honeymoon bed collapses, husband stands up for his conjugal rights.’ (pause) I mean er, Mr Smut, if this new bill goes through, puns such as these will become illegal. —

Rupert Smut: (silently) Yes.

Angela Contactlens: —Does that worry you at all?

Rupert Smut: Well I’m one of millions who believe that puns are nothing to be ashamed of, Angela. There’s nothing sinful about showing off a good healthy pun. Was it not God who said to Moses ‘Keep taking the tablets’?

Angela Contactlens: Erm, no, I don’t think it was.

Rupert Smut: Well, it was something like it anyway. No, I don’t think they dare ban puns you know, Angela. I mean think what would happen – ITV comedy shows would grind to a standstill, The Times would be prosecuted for obscene posters, er Esther Rantzen would lose the will to live, no I can’t quite [see it ?].

F/X: teleprinter in background

John Sideboards: Well, we’ve just heard that the controversial Pun Bill has now been passed by parliament, and is at this moment going for the Royal Seal – which will clap its flippers and balance an orb on its snout, before finally becoming an illegal pun.

Angela Contactlens: And already the effect of the new act has led to illicit peddling of gags and jokes in London’s backstreets, as our reporter has been finding out.

F/X: street atmosphere

Pun Peddler: Pssst. Pssst.

Reporter: No, I haven’t even been drinking.

Pun Peddler: Haha, well.. haha. Oh, I see, I see you’re a broad-minded sort of gent, Sir, enjoy a good pun, do you, —

Reporter: Yeah.

Pun Peddler: —eh? [??] how about some o’ these then, eh? All good quality stuff, look at this, eh.

F/X: leafing through pages

Reporter: Erm.. ‘How do you sta’ —

Pun Peddler: Oh shhhh. (quietly) Oh keep your voice down, the fuzz are about.

Reporter: (quieter) Oh, sorry. Er ‘How do you start a teddy bear race? Ready, Teddy, Go.’

Pun Peddler: [Not really ??] er erm…

F/X: leafing through pages

Pun Peddler: What about this one?

Reporter: ‘Did you hear about the two flies playing football in the saucer? They’re playing in the cup next week.’

F/X: rustling of pages

Reporter: ‘Why.. why is a set of dentures like a glass of sherry?’

Pun Peddler: (silently reading in parallel) … glass of sherry?

Reporter: ‘Because they’re both aperitif brackets a pair of teeth.’

Pun Peddler: Ahaha. Pretty good stuff, eh Sir?

Reporter: (in parallel) [Don’t get this. Oh yes. ?] (normal) Er, haven’t you got anything a bit stronger?

Pun Peddler: A bit stronger, Sir, well as a matter of fact you’re in luck here, look I got some really hot Danish puns in that, get a load of this, Sir.

F/X: leafing through pages

Reporter: ‘Mucha atta its njes, Hansoit yor vikolom. Hanoi nukkemit ainen kolumsiens’ —

Pun Peddler: I say, not.. not your style, eh? Look, I tell you what… wanna see a film show, eh? Really ’ardcore puns eh, no [kiddy ?]. This is one of the strongest movies you see in this country, absolutely no gags left to the imagination. [??] there’s a pun on everything, I tell you. Only five quid.

Reporter: Is that on the level?

Pun Peddler: Nah, it’s in a room on the first floor.

Reporter: There, there’s your five quid.

Pun Peddler: Ah yeah, oh yeah, that’ll be another quid for that last pun.

Reporter: Okay, there you are.

Pun Peddler: Right out, come this way.

F/X: door handle, then door closing

F/X: film music audible in background, footsteps descending stairs

Pun Peddler: [??] here we are, Sir, now I.. think you’ll enjoy this one. The films just start any minute.

F/X: door handle

Music: Miklós Rózsa – King of Kings theme

Voice-over: (over) Gala Innuendos in association with Metro-Golda-Meir present ‘The Puns of Navarone’.

Audience: (groaning)

Music: starts fading out

Voice-over: Captain Basher Briggs of the Royal Air Force cut a fine figure of a man, but the man wasn’t very pleased.

Audience: (laughing, continues muttering in the background)

Voice-over: Briggs himself was built like a tank – small and square with water pipes sticking out the side. There was only one thing he liked better than getting stuck into the Jerry – fighting Germans.

Audience: (laughing)

Voice-over: Every morning, Poltergeist Malone, his trusty Cockney batman would wake him up, just before dawn.

F/X: dawn atmosphere, birds chirping

Poltergeist Malone: Wake up, Captain.

Captain Briggs: Mmh, ha, mmm…

Poltergeist Malone: Wake up, Dawn.

Dawn: How?

Audience: (laughing)

Poltergeist Malone: [Get up ?] Captain, come on, cor blimey—

Captain Briggs: What’s [this? ??]

Poltergeist Malone: —it’s a cold morning, love-a-duck!

Captain Briggs: Very well.

F/X: a duck going ‘quack, quack’

Audience: (laughing, muttering)

F/X: knocking

Poltergeist Malone: Hear, I think your knocker just went.

Dawn: It’s alright, I’ve got a spare on me.

Audience: (laughing)

F/X: door handle

Poltergeist Malone: Blimey! It’s Skipper Winco Binkey.

Winco Binkey: What-ho chaps, what-ho. I’ve just been posted from Blighty.

Captain Briggs: Hang on then, let’s help you out of the envelope.

F/X: paper rustling

Winco Binkey: Right. Right-ho, no time to lose then, orders from GHQ: We’re to put on the Salvation Army uniforms and take these tambourines.

Dawn: You mean…

Winco Binkey: Yes, they’ve got a mission for us at last. Not only that, we’re to fly out and bomb Navarone.

F/X: propeller plane noises, continues in background

Poltergeist Malone: Now then – according to this map, we’re fifty thousand feet beneath the surface of the earth.

Captain Briggs: Idiot. You’re holding it upside down.

Audience: (groaning)

Poltergeist Malone: So I am. Hang on – I think I’ve spotted something below.

Dawn: Tanks.

Poltergeist Malone: It’s alright, don’t mention it.

Audience: (laughing)

Winco Binkey: Okay platoon, this is it. Is the bomb bay officer here?

Bomb Bay Officer (Indian accent): Er yes please, yes indeed I am, right here.

Dawn: I’ve set all the bombs in place, Winco.

Winco Binkey: Right-ho, Dawn, drop ’em! (brief pause) Great, now the bombs.

Poltergeist Malone: Cor [??]!

F/X: police whistle, door handle, foot steps

Police Officer: Alright, alright alright, stop this film. This is a police raid, we’ve been hearing about these licentious shows. This place is a den of iniquity and the most despicable extremes of vice.

Pun Peddler: (hardly audible) Yes, but I—

Police Officer: We’re seizing all these puns and taking them from this pernicious ’ole of ill repute down to Scotland Yard.

Reporter: But er just a minute, officer.

Police Officer: Yes, what is it?

Reporter: This is Scotland Yard.

Police Officer: Oh. So alright then, you mind if I watch? Go on then, carry on, whoaaa hohooo, whouuu…

Music: Burkiss Way closing signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: (over) Well, that’s enough hardcore corn for one week. If you’ve listened carefully to today’s course, you could soon be like the Liberals – sweeping the country. Write off for your brooms now to the Burkiss Way’s Punorama Centre, Soho, and by return of post we’ll rush you Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris under plain brown cover. Sample those sizzling punographic material of Andrew Marshall and David Renwick, completely uncensored by producer Simon Brett of Stepney – well only a bit. Join us again next week folks for more incredible secrets of a successful life, till then good night, or don’t forget to clear the table, and happy dynamic living!

Music: finish & out