S01E04 Lesson 4 – Solve Murders the Burkiss Way

The Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living, the Correspondence Course with No Easy Weekly Payments. No Deposit, No Hidden Extras! Just fill in your name (BLOCK LETTERS, PLEASE) for Lesson 4: Solve Murders the Burkiss Way, with easy-to-follow instruction from Denise Coffey, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris, easy-to-follow scripts by Andrew Marshall, John Mason and David Renwick, and easy-to-follow production by Simon Brett.

First broadcast on 17 September 1976



Voice-over: At last, relief for Muggeridge sufferers: With the new, improved Burkiss grand piano. Simply haul it up to an eighteenth storey window, wait till Malcom Muggeridge comes along, and…

F/X: foot steps approaching

Malcom Muggeridge: Antithesis of anthropomorphic conceptual [??]

F/X: falling tone

Malcom Muggeridge: … reductio ad absurdum post-i—

F/X: piano crashing on ground

Malcom Muggeridge: Oh strewth!

(pause)

F/X: clock ticking

Customer: I was unable to leave my house at all. I spent years wanting to be alone in my living room. Until Professor Burkiss introduced me to his relovutionary process called ‘walking’. Now, after only thirteen years, I have already mastered one foot, and can go round in circles. And I owe it all to the Burkiss Way. Was that alright?

Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: We present: The Burkiss Way, or, you too can have three like mine. This week: Solve Murders The Burkiss Way, with instruction from Denise Coffey, Chris Emmett, Fred Harris and Nigel Rees.

(applause)

Male Presenter: Good evening. Well, that just about wraps up today’s show, so from me it’s goodbye, see you again next week, and happy dynamic living. Bye.

(applause)

Continuity Announcer: Er, well, the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living seems to have finished a little early this week, so er, in the meantime, erm… (leafs through some pieces of paper) I.. what?

Somebody else: (whispering very quietly) Piece… piece of film.

Continuity Announcer: Oh.. oh, thank you. Er we’re going to show you an old film. Thank you.

Music: dramatic music building up to a crash, then out

F/X: train running over jointed track, this continues throughout the scene

Henry Blackout: (doubling as narrator) England, nineteen thirty-five. And across the bleak Yorkshire countryside, a lonely train chugs slowly through the night. On board, there is a pervading air of menace, a certain unseen force, that fills the passengers with utter dread. What is it, this strange, unearthly—

Rowena Blackout: Henry?

Henry Blackout: —quality, which… ye.. yes?

Rowena Blackout: Would you mind keeping quiet, please. I’m trying to read the paper.

Henry Blackout: Oh er, sorry, mother.

F/X: paper rustling

Henry Blackout: (clears his throat)

F/X: compartment door opening

Rowena Blackout: Where are you going, Henry?

Henry Blackout: Oh, erm, ju.. just somewhere.

Rowena Blackout: Where?

Henry Blackout: Well, well you know, to to to, to the place at the end of the corridor. Er, to to have a quick er.. Look, I’ve, I’ve got to have a.. er… you know…

Rowena Blackout: If you want to go to the lavatory, you should just come straight out with it.

Henry Blackout: Lo.. well, I, I… Mother I.., mother, I don’t want to go to the lavatory, I, I want to—

Rowena Blackout: To what?

Henry Blackout: To, (whispering) to spend a penny.

Rowena Blackout: It’s the same thing.

Henry Blackout: (louder) Look, I don’t— (normal) is it?

Rowena Blackout: Henry, you’re not going to leave me alone in this compartment?

Henry Blackout: But why not?

Rowena Blackout: Well I mean, there’s a pervading air of menace in here, a certain unseen force, that fills me with utter dread.

Henry Blackout: I’m sorry, I’ve got to go outside. I’ve got to, because I—

Rowena Blackout: To, to what, Henry?

Henry Blackout: To make an announcement.

F/X: compartment door opening

Music: ominous music

Narrator: No sooner had Lady Rowena Blackout’s son stepped outside the compartment, than…

Rowena Blackout: (screaming)

F/X: train sound stops

F/X: compartment door opening

Henry Blackout: Mother! Mother, are you alright? Good god, she’s been… murdered!

Music: film opening music

Credits Voice-over: We present: Murder On A Train Not Nearly As Famous As The Orient Express. Starring in Alphabetical Order: Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, Sean Connery, Albert Finney, Sid—

Somebody: Just a minute, those people aren’t in this film.

Credits Voice-over: I know they’re not, they’re in ‘Alphabetical Order’, a completely different film.

Somebody: Ohh.

Credits Voice-over: Co-starring a train sound effect, and a microphone stand, and introducing the rustle of Chris Emmett’s script as he turns the pages over. Wardrobe Mistress: Fifi Burkiss. Wardrobe’s Very Angry Wife: Naomi Burkiss. Set Dresser: Bill Burkiss. Welsh Dresser: Dai Burkiss. Titles: Lord Sir Duke The Marquis of Earl His Royal Highness Burkiss. Fight Arranger: Nigel Rees’s mother-in-law, Mrs Burkiss. Man Who Pours Out Fred Harris’s Tea: Alfred Burkiss. Man Who Holds Up Fred Harris’s Little Finger In The Air While He’s Drinking His Tea: Bob Oliver Burkiss. Colour by Burkiss Colour. Token Non-Member Of The Burkiss Family: John Burkiss. Real Token Non-Member Of The Burkiss Family: Denise Coffey.

Music: out

Credits Voice-over: Neé Burkiss.

Superintendent: Oh er, ahem, well Commissioner, it’s a ghastly business.

Commissioner: Yes, every day now for the last three months, a woman has been murdered on the Nineteen Twenty to Doncaster.

Superintendent: Yeah, I know, and er, she’s getting pretty sick of it, Sir.

Commissioner: It’s no joke, Superintendent.

Superintendent: Yes, I think we’ve proved that, Commissioner. Er, but tell me, Sir, this woman what keeps getting murdered, who is she?

Commissioner: Her name is Lady Rowena Blackout.

Superintendent: Rowena what, Sir?

Commissioner: Blackout.

Superintendent: I’m sorry Sir, that name doesn’t mean a light to me.

Commissioner: She’s very rich.

Superintendent: Oh, got a tidy bit behind her, has she, Sir?

Commissioner: It didn’t look very tidy the last time I saw her. But that’s not the point. Some villain, some dastardly rogue has got it in for her. Every day, when she travels in the train, he kills her in some new, fiendish way. First, she was poisoned, when he laced her tea with a British Rail sausage roll. (audience reaction) And then, then, he strangled her with a submachine gun.

Superintendent: How could he strangle her with a submachine gun?

Commissioner: I know, he’s just got no heart, has he? And then finally yesterday, she was attacked with a giant ostrich feather, and tickled to death.

Superintendent: It, it sounds pretty serious, Commissioner.

Commissioner: On the contrary, Superintendent, (slightly laughing) it’s very, very silly.

Superintendent: Silly, Sir? Then you mean…

Commissioner: Er, no.

Superintendent: Then you must mean…

Commissioner: Yes. This is no job for an ordinary member of the force, Superintendent. This is a job for the New Faces Impressionist Squad.

Music:

F/X: knocking on door

Betty 1 (all Betty characters are in fact bad Frank Spencer impersonators): Come in.

F/X: door opening, some fragile objects falling on the floor and breaking

Betty 2: Hmm, umm, you wanted to see me, Betty?

Betty 1: Hmmm, come in. Come in, Betty.

Betty 2: Hmm?

Betty 1: I called you here, because the Chief Commissioner says, he’s got a special mission for us members of the New Faces Impressionist Squad.

Betty 2: Hmm, nice.

Betty 1: Hmmm…

Betty 2: Hmm…

Betty 1: Hmmm…

Betty 2: Hmm…

Betty 1: Hmmm…

Betty 2: Hmm…

Betty 1: So, so what is it then, Betty?

Betty 2: Pardon, Betty?

Betty 1: What is it?

Betty 2: Just a minute…

Betty 1: Yes?

Betty 2: You was the one that called me in here.

Betty 1: Oh yes, so I was.

Betty 2: Hmm…

Betty 1: I get so confused, Betty.

Betty 2: Hmm…

Betty 1: Hm, well this is what happened. There’s been a bit of harassment on one of the trains.

Betty 2: Hmm, the cat hasn’t done a whoopsie in the buffet again?

Betty 1: No, no. There, there’s been a murder. Every day, a woman gets killed on the Nineteen Twenty to Doncaster.

Betty 2: Hmm, I s’pect they’re all getting very sick of it by now.

(audience cheering)

Betty 1: Her name is Lady Rowena Blackout.

Betty 2: Hmm, that name doesn’t ring any bells with me.

(audience cheering)

Betty 1: Has she got a tidy bit behind her?

Betty 2: I wasn’t very tidy when I last met her.

(audience cheering)

Betty 1: Hmmm, nice.

Betty 2: Hmm, nice.

Betty 1: Hmm. Now, here’s what we’ve got to do:

F/X: intercom buzzer

Betty 2: Yes…

F/X: intercom connection opened

Betty 1: New Faces Impressionist Squad?

Betty 3: (over intercom) Hmmm naa, is that you, Betty?

Betty 1: No, this is Betty here.

Betty 2: Hmmm…

Betty 3: Oh, so is this. I’ve got Lady Rowena Blackout out here, Betty.

Betty 2: Uhhh…

Betty 1: Send her in, Betty.

Betty 3: Right, Betty.

F/X: intercom connection closed

F/X: door handle

Rowena Blackout: Good afternoon, Sergeant.

Betty 1: Hello, Betty.

Betty 2: Hello, Betty.

F/X: intercom buzzer

F/X: intercom connection opened

Betty 3: (over intercom) Hello, Betty.

F/X: intercom connection closed

Rowena Blackout: The Chief Commissioner tells me he’s getting your department to try and find out who it is that keeps murdering me.

Betty 1: Hmm, that’s right. Now, I want you to tell me what happened.

Betty 2: Hm, what happened?

Betty 1: Hmm.

Rowena Blackout: Er, well, er, Betty, —

Betty 1: Hm…

Rowena Blackout: —I was travelling with my son, when he went outside to… well, you know er…

Betty 1: Yeah, make an announcement.

Betty 2: Hm…

Rowena Blackout: Quite.

Betty 1: Hmm.

Rowena Blackout: And then, this man just came in and killed me.

Betty 1: Hm, now, now tell us what he looked like, in your own words.

Rowena Blackout: Well, he had two legs, spoke with an English accent, and er, had hair all over the top of his head.

Betty 1 & 2: (together) Hmm, very good…

Betty 2: … yes.

Betty 1: … hmmm, hmm. Now, now in someone else’s words.

Rowena Blackout: (doing a bad Frank Spencer impression as well) Er, hmm, well, he had two legs, spoke with an English accent, and had hair all over the top of his head, Betty, hmmm.

Betty 1: Hmm, excellent, hm. That means… (audience reaction) that means we can eliminate all bald, one-legged foreigners straight away.

F/X: machine gun fire

Betty 1: There, that’s eliminated them.

F/X: intercom buzzer

F/X: intercom connection opened

Betty 3: (over intercom) Hmm ha, hmm ha, hmm er, Leonardo da Vinci to see you, Betty.

Betty 1: Hmm, send him in.

F/X: intercom connection closed

F/X: door handle

Leonardo (doing a bad Tommy Cooper impression): Ah ha ha! Ju.. just like that! Just like that! Ah ha ha! Ah, just last night, just last night, I was eatin’ this giant marshmallow. Woke up this morning, the pillow was gone! A ha ha! Just like that! Just like that!

Betty 1: Hm. Thank you, Mr Da Vinci.

Leonardo: Thank you very much!

Betty 1: Yes, thank you. That will be all?

F/X: door closing

Rowena Blackout: What was that?

Betty 1: That was an artist’s impression. (audience reaction) No, don’t harass me, I don’t write this… (audience reaction) Now then Betty…

Betty 2: Hmm?

Betty 1: I want you to go off on this case, to look for leads.

Betty 2: Leeds? Hmm…

Betty 1: Yes, you’ll find it easy enough, it’s about ten miles outside Bradford. And you, Lady Rowena…

Rowena Blackout: Yes?

Betty 1: I want you to just get on the train tomorrow, exactly as normal.

Rowena Blackout: But, I’ll get murdered again.

Betty 1: No, you won’t, no. You’ll be perfectly safe because Betty here…

Betty 2: Hmm?

Betty 1: … will be there to protect you in disguise.

Betty 2: You mean, you want me to pose as a passenger, Betty?

Betty 1: No, not as a passenger, Betty.

Betty 2: Hm, as a British Rail official?

Betty 1: Not a British Rail official, Betty.

Betty 2: Huh then, what do you want me to pose as?

Betty 1: You’ll be posing as the train, Betty.

Betty 2: Hmm, nice.

Betty 2: (slight pause, then fades in) Didelidi, didelididelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh… (continues making train noises throughout the scene)

Passenger 1: I say, Fortescue…

Passenger 2: Yes?

(audience reaction)

Betty 2: (over) … didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh…

Passenger 1: Anything strike you odd about this train?

Passenger 2: Now you… , now you’ve come to mention it, it… it does seem a bit slower than usual.

Passenger 1: Don’t it, couldn’t it go any faster?

Betty 2: … dideli… dum! Didelideh! Didelidum, didelideh!…

Passenger 1: Does seem awfully cramped in here today, don’t you think so, madam?

Rowena Blackout: Er, oh, yes, yes, I.. I suppose it does.

Passenger 2: You know, I feel like a cigarette.

F/X: a match being struck

Betty 2: … dideli… Hmm, esscuse me.

Passenger 2: What?

Betty 2: I’m a non-smoker.

Passenger 2: Oh, sorry.

Betty 2: …didelidum, didelideh…

F/X: gun shot

Rowena Blackout: (screaming)

Betty 2: Oh, dear! Hmm, Betty will be cross, she’s been murdered again. Hmm! Er didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh…

Commissioner: (fades to the foreground) Well Betty, I don’t know how you could let it happen.

Betty 2: Hmm…

Commissioner: That’s why you were ordered to pose as the train; so you could keep an eye on Lady Rowena.

Betty 2: Hmm yes, but I—

Commissioner: And now she’s been murdered yet again! Why didn’t you catch the culprit?

Betty 2: Well, I.. I couldn’t.

Commissioner: Why not?!

Betty 2: Hmm, he locked himself in my toilet. It was very uncomfortable, I can tell you.

Rowena Blackout: This is all very well, Commissioner, but that’s the seventy-seventh time I’ve been murdered in three month. I demand immediate action!

Commissioner: Err, it’s alright er Lady Rowena, as from now on I’m taking this buffoon off—

Betty 2: Ummm! (mutters something unintelligible)

Commissioner: —the case, Miss. He should never have been put on in the first place. I’m detailing another man, one of our top officers, you’ll be glad to hear. Er, come in, Sergeant!

F/X: door opening, some fragile objects falling on the floor and breaking

Mr Spencer (another bad Frank Spencer impersonator): Hello, Betty.

Commissioner: Haha, yes. Right, er, Betty, er tomorrow, I want you to go with Lady Rowena here on the Nineteen Twenty to Doncaster, and see she doesn’t get murdered.

Mr Spencer: Hmm!

Commissioner: And if I were you, I’d take off that long, brown raincoat, and silly beret.

Mr Spencer: Why?

Commissioner: It’s a plain clothes job.

Mr Spencer: Right. When do you want me to start, Betty?

Commissioner: Er right after the intermission.

F/X: door bell

Music: Theme from A Summer Place

Announcer: There will now be a short intermission.

Music: [??, dramatic]

Voice-over: (over) Coming soon to this cinema, Ron and Mabel Sproat of 19 Kettering Road.

Music: music momentarily fades up again

Voice-over: From Acton they came. Walking down the road. Turning the corner. Then boarding the 36 bus to Hammersmith.

F/X: bell

Ron Sproat: Three 9p’s to the Odeon, please.

Voice-over: Yes, the people who brought you bathcubes for Christmas, Ron and Mabel Sproat of 19 Kettering Road, are coming soon to this cinema.

F/X: door bell

Music: fades out

F/X: train running over jointed track, this continues throughout the scene

F/X: compartment door opening

Mr Spencer: Here we are, Lady Rowena. There’s two spaces in this compartment. It looks a bit bigger than that last one what we tried. What a small compartment that was. It only had one seat, and the middle of that was all missing.

Rowena Blackout: That was the lavatory, Mr Spencer.

Mr Spencer: Ohh?! Hmm… I wondered why the communication chord made such a funny noise… Anyway, let’s sit in here.

F/X: compartment door closing

Mr Spencer: Now, don’t worry about getting murdered, Lady Rowena. No one will dare murder you while I’m around.

Rowena Blackout: (screaming)

Mr Spencer: Course I could be wrong.

Rowena Blackout: It’s all right, Mr Spencer, I was just eating a buffet sandwich.

Mr Spencer: Hmm…

Rowena Blackout: I say, I say, Mr Spencer?

Mr Spencer: Yes?

Rowena Blackout: I think the murderer is in this very compartment.

Mr Spencer: Hmm.

Rowena Blackout: Don’t you think there’s something suspicious about these people sitting opposite us? (some voices are heard talking in the background)

Mr Spencer: Hmm… Now you come to mention it… no, hang on. I tell you what. I’ll do a little bit o’ detective work, which will tell me whether they’re suspicious characters or not. Hm. (louder) Esscuse me. Are any of you gentlemen suspicious characters?

Rowena Blackout: I’m awfully sorry, do forgive us, gentlemen, we’re both a bit on edge, whoop! I’ve been murdered rather a lot recently, you see, er that’s why I have Mr Spencer here with me,—

Mr Spencer: Hm.

Rowena Blackout: —he is a Defective Constable.

Mr Spencer: Esscuse me, I think you got that wrong.

Rowena Blackout: Oh, I’m sorry, oh yeah, Constable. Er, you, er Sir, what are you doing on this train?

Charlie Chan (Chinese accent): Hasso. I am a detective, also. I am the one and only Charlie Chan, and on my light here, the honourable Rord Peter Whimsey.

Lord Peter: Oh he-hello, dashin’ spiffin’ telly-bottom-mmm… don’t you know. Er dancing nice to meet you both!

Charlie Chan: Hahh, er bally nice, Rord Peter.

Lord Peter: What? Oh,—

Charlie Chan: Bally.

Lord Peter: —yes bally, mm dancing er the same thing. We’re, we’re on this train, er hoping to investigate a murder, don’t you know.

Rowena Blackout: Oh, how do you mean, ‘hoping’?

Lord Peter: Well, there hasn’t been one yet, er but we got erm plenty of time, haven’t we, Bunter?

Billy Bunter: I’ll say, oh crikey! Yahoou! I hope that beast Quelch doesn’t find us, yahoou! Pass the tucking, Lord Peter, yahoou, oww!

Lord Peter: Oh, take, take that, you fattened porpoise.

Mr Spencer: Well, Lady Rowena, it doesn’t look as though you’re going to be murdered after all. I’ve been wasting my time.

Charlie Chan: Hoo, rook out, we’re going into a tunnel!

F/X: gun shot

Rowena Blackout: (screaming)

Mr Spencer: Quick! Put the light on!

F/X: light switch

Charlie Chan: Haahh, hasso. Lady Rowena, she’s been murdered again!

Lord Peter: Oh–mm, dash it!

Billy Bunter: Oh crikey, you fellows, I say!

Lord Peter: What a jolly Russell Harty plus!

Mr Spencer: Oh, you mean, you mean a jolly bad show?

Lord Peter: Exactly. (audience reaction) Well… well now. I, look I think, I should–m take charge of this investigation, old cauliflower.

Charlie Chan: Hah, bean, Rord Peter.

Lord Peter: Er, been? —

Charlie Chan: Bean.

Lord Peter: —Er, yes, just before I got on the train. Er, now then, let’s look at this logically. Er, Lady Rowena was shot in the tunnel. It couldn’t have been me or Charlie Chan, because we’re both goodies. Er, yeah.

Charlie Chan: Hasso…

Lord Peter: Er it couldn’t have been Spencer, because he’s too stupid.

Mr Spencer: Hmm!

Lord Peter: And it couldn’t have been Bunter, because he was raiding Harry Wharton’s study in the remove passage at the time of mmmm… the murder. That clearly leaves only one per-er-per-per-er-person.

Mr Spencer: Who’s that?

Lord Peter: That man, sitting in the corner holding a smoking revolver in his hand. Yes, you, what’s your na–name?

Eric Pode: Er, Count Moriarty von Evil, mate.

Lord Peter: It’s no use pretending!

Eric Pode: Oh, all right, all right. Eric Pode of Croydon.

Lord Peter: Nnnn, just as I thought. Eric Pode of emm, Croydon. It all adds up.

Charlie Chan: Ha, tell me, where where you at the time of the murder, Mister Cloydon?

Eric Pode: I was in this compartment, mate, shooting Lady Rowena Blackout.

Lord Peter: Unlikely tale! I think, think you’re trying to cover up!

Eric Pode: I’m not, I swear I murdered her!

Lord Peter: Don’t give me that–m, Pode.

Eric Pode: Why not?

Lord Peter: Because I don’t like liquorice all-sorts. Now then. Very convenient, isn’t it–mm, Pode, that your only witness to this so-called crime is a dead woman. I think this calls for an i—identification parade.

Charlie Chan: Ha, what do you mean, Lord Peter?

Lord Peter: Bring in the six other dead bodies.

Charlie Chan: Aha…

F/X: compartment door opening

F/X: zip being opened, followed by thumping noises

Lord Peter: There. Now put Lady Rowena Blackout’s body anywhere it chooses in among the line of stiffs. Right. Now, Pode, Pode, touch the one you murdered on the sh.. er shoulder.

F/X: slow, deliberate foot steps

Eric Pode: (foot steps quicken) Er, it was these six here!

Lord Peter: Aha! You see, hhh–he hasn’t picked the right one at all, he’s identified as the corpse six completely different dead bodies.

Mr Spencer: What does all this mean, Lord Peter?

Lord Peter: It means this m–man is an impostor! He’s not Eric Pode of Croydon at all, but Beatrice Crint of Chingford!

Eric Pode: All right, I admit it. (his voice changes and he turns into…)

Beatrice Crint: I am Beatrice Crint of Chingford.

Lord Peter: Exactly, ha ha! What a spiffing [splurter ?]. Beatrice Crint of Chingford all the time! Aha ha!

Charlie Chan: Hasso!

Mr Spencer: Not, not Eric Pode at all.

Lord Peter: No!

Beatrice Crint: No, you’ve found me out. I admit it. I am Beatrice Crint.

Mr Spencer: Precisely!

Lord Peter: Exactly! You are Beatrice Crint.

Mr Spencer: Ohh, yes!

(pause)

Beatrice Crint: Erm…

Mr Spencer: Esscuse me?

Lord Peter: Er what-ho, dear?

Mr Spencer: This plot doesn’t seem to be getting very far, does it?

Lord Peter: Er no. No, it certainly seems to have come mmm to a bit of a halt, don’t you know.

Beatrice Crint: Yes. Well it’s about time we got a move on. What on earth’s happening?

F/X: train running sound stops

F/X: compartment door opening

Guard: Er, all, all change, please.

Mr Spencer: What are you talking about?

Guard: Well I’m, I’m afraid this plot has broken down, owing to technical difficulties beyond our control.

Everyone: Oh no! … (unintelligible)

Guard: Now good now look, if, if you stay on here, you won’t find out who the murderer is till gone one o’clock, I’m afraid.

Beatrice Crint: No! … (unintelligible)

Guard: If you, if you’d all therefore like to transfer to the other train, there’s another plot waiting, which should be resolved much quicker—

Everyone: Oh no, we (unintelligible)

Guard: Oh no, come on, look, now listen, you can k.. you can k.. don’t have to change your voices, keep the same characters, only it’s a different story.

Everyone: (continued muttering)

Lord Peter: Oh, very well.

Mr Spencer: … never follow it.

F/X: compartment door opening

Mr Spencer: Well, here we are on the other train.

Lord Peter: Well let’s hope–m that this plot gets moving very shortly, we’re running terribly late as it is.

F/X: steam loco whistling, then starting to accelerate; continuing train noises throughout the scene

Lord Peter: Now then, Lord Henry Fitzwarren-Pettigrew, when did you find your son ha—had been murdered?

Beatrice Crint: Well, let me see, Mr Holmes, it would have been some time ago. I’d just left scene four in the second act. When I returned a few speeches later, I found my son lying over the page. Before he died, he yelled something out.

Lord Peter: Did you–m catch what he said?

Beatrice Crint: I’m afraid not, Mr Holmes, he was shouting in italics. When I found him, well, it was obvious to me he’d never speak again.

Lord Peter: You, you mean…?

Beatrice Crint: Yes, his lines had been cut!

Lord Peter: That just leaves Rabbi, the–m butler. Er, now, Rabbi, tell us what happened, in your own words.

Mr Spencer: Hmm, I can’t, I had a non-speaking part.

Lord Peter: And why was that?

Mr Spencer: It was because I once stole a scene from Lord Fitzwarren-Pettigrew.

Lord Peter: Aaaha, so it all adds up. You wanted to get even with your employer because you knew you were being written out of his play.

Mr Spencer: Yes!

Lord Peter: So you waited until the plot was clear and sneaked in downstage right and stabbed Lord Bagshot right in his soliloquy.

Mr Spencer: Yes, yes, I admit it all!

Lord Peter: Then that only leaves one thing. Watson?

Billy Bunter: Oh crikey! Yahoou! Beast! Yes?

Lord Peter: Mm–take his left hand, please, that’s it, and I take his right one.

Mr Spencer: Oh, surely you’re not going to—

Lord Peter: Oh we have to, I’m afraid, it’s time for the curtain call.

F/X: train noises stop

Music: Burkiss Way closing signature tune

Burkiss Way Announcer: (imitating a railway announcement over PA) Here is a plot announcement. We apologise to the cast of Denise Coffey, Chris Emmett, Fred Harris and Nigel Rees for the inconvenience caused in that programme, this was due to unforseen technical problems in the script, which was written by Andrew Marshall, John Mason and David Renwick on the line at Haywards Heath. This should not affect next week’s edition of the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living, which is expected to go out on time, produced by Simon Brett of Stepney, callers welcome. Thank you.

Music: to finish & out

Continuity Announcer: (contemptuous) The Burkiss Way. (normal) Now it’s time for tomorrow’s weather, at the North Pole. The day will start off with snow and ice, turning later to snow, and ice, then snow and ice, and possibly some snow and ice on high ground. Later on, a few scattered outbreaks of snow and ice with patches of snow and ice turning to snow and ice later in the evening. Winds snowy to icy, south to south backing south. And the long range forecast for the North Pole: Snow and ice. Good night, … and good skating.

End