At last, relief for Muggeridge sufferers: With the new, improved Burkiss grand piano. Simply haul it up to an eighteenth storey window, wait till Malcolm Muggeridge comes along, and…
foot steps approaching
Antithesis of anthropomorphic conceptual [??] …
falling tone
… reductio ad absurdum post-i—
piano crashing on ground
Oh strewth!
(pause)
clock ticking
I was unable to leave my house at all. I spent years wanting to be alone in my living room. Until Professor Burkiss introduced me to his relovutionary process called ‘walking’. Now, after only thirteen years, I have already mastered one foot, and can go round in circles. And I owe it all to the Burkiss Way. Was that alright?
Burkiss Way opening signature tune
We present: The Burkiss Way, or, you too can have three like mine. This week: Solve Murders The Burkiss Way, with instruction from Denise Coffey, Chris Emmett, Fred Harris and Nigel Rees.
(applause)
Good evening. Well, that just about wraps up today’s show, so from me it’s goodbye, see you again next week, and happy dynamic living. Bye.
(applause)
Er, well, the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living seems to have finished a little early this week, so er, in the meantime, erm… (leafs through some pieces of paper) I.. what?
(whispering very quietly) Piece… piece of film.
Oh.. oh, thank you. Er we’re going to show you an old film. Thank you.
dramatic music building up to a crash, then out
train running over jointed track, this continues throughout the scene
(doubling as narrator) England, nineteen thirty-five. And across the bleak Yorkshire countryside, a lonely train chugs slowly through the night. On board, there is a pervading air of menace, a certain unseen force, that fills the passengers with utter dread. What is it, this strange, unearthly—
Henry?
—quality, which… ye.. yes?
Would you mind keeping quiet, please. I’m trying to read the paper.
Oh er, sorry, mother.
paper rustling
(clears his throat)
compartment door opening
Where are you going, Henry?
Oh, erm, ju.. just somewhere.
Where?
Well, well you know, to to to, to the place at the end of the corridor. Er, to to have a quick er.. Look, I’ve, I’ve got to have a.. er… you know…
If you want to go to the lavatory, you should just come straight out with it.
Lo.. well, I, I… Mother I.., mother, I don’t want to go to the lavatory, I, I want to—
To what?
To, (whispering) to spend a penny.
It’s the same thing.
(louder) Look, I don’t— (normal) is it?
Henry, you’re not going to leave me alone in this compartment?
But why not?
Well I mean, there’s a pervading air of menace in here, a certain unseen force, that fills me with utter dread.
I’m sorry, I’ve got to go outside. I’ve got to, because I—
To, to what, Henry?
To make an announcement.
compartment door opening
ominous music
No sooner had Lady Rowena Blackout’s son stepped outside the compartment, than…
(screaming)
train sound stops
compartment door opening
Mother! Mother, are you alright? Good god, she’s been… murdered!
film opening music
We present: Murder On A Train Not Nearly As Famous As The Orient Express. Starring in Alphabetical Order: Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, Sean Connery, Albert Finney, Sid—
Just a minute, those people aren’t in this film.
I know they’re not, they’re in ‘Alphabetical Order’, a completely different film.
Ohh.
Co-starring a train sound effect, and a microphone stand, and introducing the rustle of Chris Emmett’s script as he turns the pages over. Wardrobe Mistress: Fifi Burkiss. Wardrobe’s Very Angry Wife: Naomi Burkiss. Set Dresser: Bill Burkiss. Welsh Dresser: Dai Burkiss. Titles: Lord Sir Duke The Marquis of Earl His Royal Highness Burkiss. Fight Arranger: Nigel Rees’s mother-in-law, Mrs Burkiss. Man Who Pours Out Fred Harris’s Tea: Alfred Burkiss. Man Who Holds Up Fred Harris’s Little Finger In The Air While He’s Drinking His Tea: Bob Oliver Burkiss. Colour by Burkiss Colour. Token Non-Member Of The Burkiss Family: John Burkiss. Real Token Non-Member Of The Burkiss Family: Denise Coffey.
out
Neé Burkiss.
Oh er, ahem, well Commissioner, it’s a ghastly business.
Yes, every day now for the last three months, a woman has been murdered on the Nineteen Twenty to Doncaster.
Yeah, I know, and er, she’s getting pretty sick of it, Sir.
It’s no joke, Superintendent.
Yes, I think we’ve proved that, Commissioner. Er, but tell me, Sir, this woman what keeps getting murdered, who is she?
Her name is Lady Rowena Blackout.
Rowena what, Sir?
Blackout.
I’m sorry Sir, that name doesn’t mean a light to me.
She’s very rich.
Oh, got a tidy bit behind her, has she, Sir?
It didn’t look very tidy the last time I saw her. But that’s not the point. Some villain, some dastardly rogue has got it in for her. Every day, when she travels in the train, he kills her in some new, fiendish way. First, she was poisoned, when he laced her tea with a British Rail sausage roll. (audience reaction) And then, then, he strangled her with a submachine gun.
How could he strangle her with a submachine gun?
I know, he’s just got no heart, has he? And then finally yesterday, she was attacked with a giant ostrich feather, and tickled to death.
It, it sounds pretty serious, Commissioner.
On the contrary, Superintendent, (slightly laughing) it’s very, very silly.
Silly, Sir? Then you mean…
Er, no.
Then you must mean…
Yes. This is no job for an ordinary member of the force, Superintendent. This is a job for the New Faces Impressionist Squad.
knocking on door
Come in.
door opening, some fragile objects falling on the floor and breaking
Hmm, umm, you wanted to see me, Betty?
Hmmm, come in. Come in, Betty.
Hmm?
I called you here, because the Chief Commissioner says, he’s got a special mission for us members of the New Faces Impressionist Squad.
Hmm, nice.
Hmmm…
Hmm…
Hmmm…
Hmm…
Hmmm…
Hmm…
So, so what is it then, Betty?
Pardon, Betty?
What is it?
Just a minute…
Yes?
You was the one that called me in here.
Oh yes, so I was.
Hmm…
I get so confused, Betty.
Hmm…
Hm, well this is what happened. There’s been a bit of harassment on one of the trains.
Hmm, the cat hasn’t done a whoopsie in the buffet again?
No, no. There, there’s been a murder. Every day, a woman gets killed on the Nineteen Twenty to Doncaster.
Hmm, I s’pect they’re all getting very sick of it by now.
(audience cheering)
Her name is Lady Rowena Blackout.
Hmm, that name doesn’t ring any bells with me.
(audience cheering)
Has she got a tidy bit behind her?
I wasn’t very tidy when I last met her.
(audience cheering)
Hmmm, nice.
Hmm, nice.
Hmm. Now, here’s what we’ve got to do:
intercom buzzer
Yes…
intercom connection opened
New Faces Impressionist Squad?
(over intercom) Hmmm naa, is that you, Betty?
No, this is Betty here.
Hmmm…
Oh, so is this. I’ve got Lady Rowena Blackout out here, Betty.
Uhhh…
Send her in, Betty.
Right, Betty.
intercom connection closed
door handle
Good afternoon, Sergeant.
Hello, Betty.
Hello, Betty.
intercom buzzer
intercom connection opened
(over intercom) Hello, Betty.
intercom connection closed
The Chief Commissioner tells me he’s getting your department to try and find out who it is that keeps murdering me.
Hmm, that’s right. Now, I want you to tell me what happened.
Hm, what happened?
Hmm.
Er, well, er, Betty, —
Hm…
—I was travelling with my son, when he went outside to… well, you know er…
Yeah, make an announcement.
Hm…
Quite.
Hmm.
And then, this man just came in and killed me.
Hm, now, now tell us what he looked like, in your own words.
Well, he had two legs, spoke with an English accent, and er, had hair all over the top of his head.
(together) Hmm, very good…
… yes.
… hmmm, hmm. Now, now in someone else’s words.
(doing a bad Frank Spencer impression as well) Er, hmm, well, he had two legs, spoke with an English accent, and had hair all over the top of his head, Betty, hmmm.
Hmm, excellent, hm. That means… (audience reaction) that means we can eliminate all bald, one-legged foreigners straight away.
machine gun fire
There, that’s eliminated them.
intercom buzzer
intercom connection opened
(over intercom) Hmm ha, hmm ha, hmm er, Leonardo da Vinci to see you, Betty.
Hmm, send him in.
intercom connection closed
door handle
Ah ha ha! Ju.. just like that! Just like that! Ah ha ha! Ah, just last night, just last night, I was eatin’ this giant marshmallow. Woke up this morning, the pillow was gone! A ha ha! Just like that! Just like that!
Hm. Thank you, Mr Da Vinci.
Thank you very much!
Yes, thank you. That will be all?
door closing
What was that?
That was an artist’s impression. (audience reaction) No, don’t harass me, I don’t write this… (audience reaction) Now then Betty…
Hmm?
I want you to go off on this case, to look for leads.
Leeds? Hmm…
Yes, you’ll find it easy enough, it’s about ten miles outside Bradford. And you, Lady Rowena…
Yes?
I want you to just get on the train tomorrow, exactly as normal.
But, I’ll get murdered again.
No, you won’t, no. You’ll be perfectly safe because Betty here…
Hmm?
… will be there to protect you in disguise.
You mean, you want me to pose as a passenger, Betty?
No, not as a passenger, Betty.
Hm, as a British Rail official?
Not a British Rail official, Betty.
Huh then, what do you want me to pose as?
You’ll be posing as the train, Betty.
Hmm, nice.
(slight pause, then fades in) Didelidi, didelididelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh… (continues making train noises throughout the scene)
I say, Fortescue…
Yes?
(audience reaction)
(over) … didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh…
Anything strike you odd about this train?
Now you… , now you’ve come to mention it, it… it does seem a bit slower than usual.
Don’t it, couldn’t it go any faster?
… dideli… dum! Didelideh! Didelidum, didelideh!…
Does seem awfully cramped in here today, don’t you think so, madam?
Er, oh, yes, yes, I.. I suppose it does.
You know, I feel like a cigarette.
a match being struck
… dideli… Hmm, esscuse me.
What?
I’m a non-smoker.
Oh, sorry.
…didelidum, didelideh…
gun shot
(screaming)
Oh, dear! Hmm, Betty will be cross, she’s been murdered again. Hmm! Er didelidum, didelideh, didelidum, didelideh…
(fades to the foreground) Well Betty, I don’t know how you could let it happen.
Hmm…
That’s why you were ordered to pose as the train; so you could keep an eye on Lady Rowena.
Hmm yes, but I—
And now she’s been murdered yet again! Why didn’t you catch the culprit?
Well, I.. I couldn’t.
Why not?!
Hmm, he locked himself in my toilet. It was very uncomfortable, I can tell you.
This is all very well, Commissioner, but that’s the seventy-seventh time I’ve been murdered in three month. I demand immediate action!
Err, it’s alright er Lady Rowena, as from now on I’m taking this buffoon off—
Ummm! (mutters something unintelligible)
—the case, Miss. He should never have been put on in the first place. I’m detailing another man, one of our top officers, you’ll be glad to hear. Er, come in, Sergeant!
door opening, some fragile objects falling on the floor and breaking
Hello, Betty.
Haha, yes. Right, er, Betty, er tomorrow, I want you to go with Lady Rowena here on the Nineteen Twenty to Doncaster, and see she doesn’t get murdered.
Hmm!
And if I were you, I’d take off that long, brown raincoat, and silly beret.
Why?
It’s a plain clothes job.
Right. When do you want me to start, Betty?
Er right after the intermission.
door bell
Theme from A Summer Place
There will now be a short intermission.
[??, dramatic]
(over) Coming soon to this cinema, Ron and Mabel Sproat of 19 Kettering Road.
music momentarily fades up again
From Acton they came. Walking down the road. Turning the corner. Then boarding the 36 bus to Hammersmith.
bell
Three 9p’s to the Odeon, please.
Yes, the people who brought you bathcubes for Christmas, Ron and Mabel Sproat of 19 Kettering Road, are coming soon to this cinema.
door bell
fades out
train running over jointed track, this continues throughout the scene
compartment door opening
Here we are, Lady Rowena. There’s two spaces in this compartment. It looks a bit bigger than that last one what we tried. What a small compartment that was. It only had one seat, and the middle of that was all missing.
That was the lavatory, Mr Spencer.
Ohh?! Hmm… I wondered why the communication chord made such a funny noise… Anyway, let’s sit in here.
compartment door closing
Now, don’t worry about getting murdered, Lady Rowena. No one will dare murder you while I’m around.
(screaming)
Course I could be wrong.
It’s all right, Mr Spencer, I was just eating a buffet sandwich.
Hmm…
I say, I say, Mr Spencer?
Yes?
I think the murderer is in this very compartment.
Hmm.
Don’t you think there’s something suspicious about these people sitting opposite us? (some voices are heard talking in the background)
Hmm… Now you come to mention it… no, hang on. I tell you what. I’ll do a little bit o’ detective work, which will tell me whether they’re suspicious characters or not. Hm. (louder) Esscuse me. Are any of you gentlemen suspicious characters?
I’m awfully sorry, do forgive us, gentlemen, we’re both a bit on edge, whoop! I’ve been murdered rather a lot recently, you see, er that’s why I have Mr Spencer here with me,—
Hm.
—he is a Defective Constable.
Esscuse me, I think you got that wrong.
Oh, I’m sorry, oh yeah, Constable. Er, you, er Sir, what are you doing on this train?
Hasso. I am a detective, also. I am the one and only Charlie Chan, and on my light here, the honourable Rord Peter Whimsey.
Oh he-hello, dashin’ spiffin’ telly-bottom-mmm… don’t you know. Er dancing nice to meet you both!
Hahh, er bally nice, Rord Peter.
What? Oh,—
Bally.
—yes bally, mm dancing er the same thing. We’re, we’re on this train, er hoping to investigate a murder, don’t you know.
Oh, how do you mean, ‘hoping’?
Well, there hasn’t been one yet, er but we got erm plenty of time, haven’t we, Bunter?
I’ll say, oh crikey! Yahoou! I hope that beast Quelch doesn’t find us, yahoou! Pass the tucking, Lord Peter, yahoou, oww!
Oh, take, take that, you fattened porpoise.
Well, Lady Rowena, it doesn’t look as though you’re going to be murdered after all. I’ve been wasting my time.
Hoo, rook out, we’re going into a tunnel!
gun shot
(screaming)
Quick! Put the light on!
light switch
Haahh, hasso. Lady Rowena, she’s been murdered again!
Oh–mm, dash it!
Oh crikey, you fellows, I say!
What a jolly Russell Harty plus!
Oh, you mean, you mean a jolly bad show?
Exactly. (audience reaction) Well… well now. I, look I think, I should–m take charge of this investigation, old cauliflower.
Hah, bean, Rord Peter.
Er, been? —
Bean.
—Er, yes, just before I got on the train. Er, now then, let’s look at this logically. Er, Lady Rowena was shot in the tunnel. It couldn’t have been me or Charlie Chan, because we’re both goodies. Er, yeah.
Hasso…
Er it couldn’t have been Spencer, because he’s too stupid.
Hmm!
And it couldn’t have been Bunter, because he was raiding Harry Wharton’s study in the remove passage at the time of mmmm… the murder. That clearly leaves only one per-er-per-per-er-person.
Who’s that?
That man, sitting in the corner holding a smoking revolver in his hand. Yes, you, what’s your na–name?
Er, Count Moriarty von Evil, mate.
It’s no use pretending!
Oh, all right, all right. Eric Pode of Croydon.
Nnnn, just as I thought. Eric Pode of emm, Croydon. It all adds up.
Ha, tell me, where where you at the time of the murder, Mister Cloydon?
I was in this compartment, mate, shooting Lady Rowena Blackout.
Unlikely tale! I think, think you’re trying to cover up!
I’m not, I swear I murdered her!
Don’t give me that–m, Pode.
Why not?
Because I don’t like liquorice all-sorts. Now then. Very convenient, isn’t it–mm, Pode, that your only witness to this so-called crime is a dead woman. I think this calls for an i—identification parade.
Ha, what do you mean, Lord Peter?
Bring in the six other dead bodies.
Aha…
compartment door opening
zip being opened, followed by thumping noises
There. Now put Lady Rowena Blackout’s body anywhere it chooses in among the line of stiffs. Right. Now, Pode, Pode, touch the one you murdered on the sh.. er shoulder.
slow, deliberate foot steps
(foot steps quicken) Er, it was these six here!
Aha! You see, hhh–he hasn’t picked the right one at all, he’s identified as the corpse six completely different dead bodies.
What does all this mean, Lord Peter?
It means this m–man is an impostor! He’s not Eric Pode of Croydon at all, but Beatrice Crint of Chingford!
All right, I admit it. (his voice changes and he turns into…)
I am Beatrice Crint of Chingford.
Exactly, ha ha! What a spiffing [splurter ?]. Beatrice Crint of Chingford all the time! Aha ha!
Hasso!
Not, not Eric Pode at all.
No!
No, you’ve found me out. I admit it. I am Beatrice Crint.
Precisely!
Exactly! You are Beatrice Crint.
Ohh, yes!
(pause)
Erm…
Esscuse me?
Er what-ho, dear?
This plot doesn’t seem to be getting very far, does it?
Er no. No, it certainly seems to have come mmm to a bit of a halt, don’t you know.
Yes. Well it’s about time we got a move on. What on earth’s happening?
train running sound stops
compartment door opening
Er, all, all change, please.
What are you talking about?
Well I’m, I’m afraid this plot has broken down, owing to technical difficulties beyond our control.
Oh no! … (unintelligible)
Now good now look, if, if you stay on here, you won’t find out who the murderer is till gone one o’clock, I’m afraid.
No! … (unintelligible)
If you, if you’d all therefore like to transfer to the other train, there’s another plot waiting, which should be resolved much quicker—
Oh no, we (unintelligible)
Oh no, come on, look, now listen, you can k.. you can k.. don’t have to change your voices, keep the same characters, only it’s a different story.
(continued muttering)
Oh, very well.
… never follow it.
compartment door opening
Well, here we are on the other train.
Well let’s hope–m that this plot gets moving very shortly, we’re running terribly late as it is.
steam loco whistling, then starting to accelerate; continuing train noises throughout the scene
Now then, Lord Henry Fitzwarren-Pettigrew, when did you find your son ha—had been murdered?
Well, let me see, Mr Holmes, it would have been some time ago. I’d just left scene four in the second act. When I returned a few speeches later, I found my son lying over the page. Before he died, he yelled something out.
Did you–m catch what he said?
I’m afraid not, Mr Holmes, he was shouting in italics. When I found him, well, it was obvious to me he’d never speak again.
You, you mean…?
Yes, his lines had been cut!
That just leaves Rabbi, the–m butler. Er, now, Rabbi, tell us what happened, in your own words.
Hmm, I can’t, I had a non-speaking part.
And why was that?
It was because I once stole a scene from Lord Fitzwarren-Pettigrew.
Aaaha, so it all adds up. You wanted to get even with your employer because you knew you were being written out of his play.
Yes!
So you waited until the plot was clear and sneaked in downstage right and stabbed Lord Bagshot right in his soliloquy.
Yes, yes, I admit it all!
Then that only leaves one thing. Watson?
Oh crikey! Yahoou! Beast! Yes?
Mm–take his left hand, please, that’s it, and I take his right one.
Oh, surely you’re not going to—
Oh we have to, I’m afraid, it’s time for the curtain call.
train noises stop
Burkiss Way closing signature tune
(imitating a railway announcement over PA) Here is a plot announcement. We apologise to the cast of Denise Coffey, Chris Emmett, Fred Harris and Nigel Rees for the inconvenience caused in that programme, this was due to unforeseen technical problems in the script, which was written by Andrew Marshall, John Mason and David Renwick on the line at Haywards Heath. This should not affect next week’s edition of the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living, which is expected to go out on time, produced by Simon Brett of Stepney, callers welcome. Thank you.
to finish & out
(contemptuous) The Burkiss Way. (normal) Now it’s time for tomorrow’s weather, at the North Pole. The day will start off with snow and ice, turning later to snow, and ice, then snow and ice, and possibly some snow and ice on high ground. Later on, a few scattered outbreaks of snow and ice with patches of snow and ice turning to snow and ice later in the evening. Winds snowy to icy, south to south backing south. And the long range forecast for the North Pole: Snow and ice. Good night, … and good skating.
End