S01E03 – Lesson 3 – Escape from Prison the Burkiss Way

F/X: clock ticking

Customer #1 (speaking with a lisp): I used to suffer with a lithp. Soon, it started embarraffing me fo much, it made me thick! But now, my problemf are over, and I don’t have to worry about listening to me lithp anymore. And I owe it all to the Burkiff Way for Cutting Peoples’ Ears Off. PS: I’m now serving a six year prison fentence for GBH, thanks to the Burkiss Way.

Customer #2: People used to kick sand in my face. In Chiswick of course, there is not a lot o’ sand about. So people used to carry buckets of it around, on the off chance of running into me. Then, someone introduced me to, the Burkiss Way! The Burkiss Way taught me how to prove to the world that I am a man! (slight pause, audience reaction) Unfortunately, I was arrested and er… I am now serving twenty-eight months imprisonment, plus VAT.

Customer #3: (nasty coughing) Hhhhhhgg… I used to be extremely poor. Hhhhg. Then, one day, the Burkiss Way showed me how to make millions of pounds. Unfortunately the police found the equipment and did me for forgery. Hhhhhhh… I am now in prison serving a life sentence. Or two weeks, whichever is longer. (coughs again) Hhhhhhgg…

James Burkiss: Life imprisonment for forgery, twenty-eight months for vulgarity, six years for GBH, what does it mean, what do I mean, who are these people, who am I, why is the grass green, why is the sun red, why is the Daily Express thrown away? Why is it when I hit this old lady on the head…

F/X: ‘Pock’

Old Lady: Aaaahh!!

James Burkiss: … she goes ‘Aaaah!’? Why does my mouth keep opening and closing without even pausing for breath, who do I think I am? Well, I think I am James Burkiss; BBC scientist and resident First Landings On The Moon correspondent. And for the next twenty-five minutes, I’d like you to join me, if you would, along with my colleagues Denise Coffey, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris for another edition of the Burkiss Special.

Music: opening signature tune (not the usual one)

James Burkiss: (strange voice) G’ev’ning, yedisayngeuanm? (normal voice) Now, before we go any further, did anybody notice anything odd about the way I said that? Gentleman in the front row.

Audience Member #1: (same strange kind of voice as James Burkiss before) Beg y’pard’nn?

James Burkiss: Never mind, Sir, skip that. Okay, okay. Normality and abnormality, I’d like to just try a quick experiment. Put up a finger if you consider yourself personally to be normal. (slight pause) Er, yes… yes, I see. Okay. Man at the back dressed as Margaret Thatcher? Oh, no, it is Margaret Thatcher, I’m sorry, yeah, yeah. Now the one with the glasses. Yes, Sir, er you consider yourself normal, do you?

Audience Member #2: Er, er noo?

James Burkiss: Well, why did you put your finger up then?

Audience Member #2: Oh, just gotta pick me nose.

James Burkiss: Er, okay, okay, okay, well, we’ll be looking into that later. Okay. Oh okay, okay okay. Er, so, who is normal and who is abnormal? Who can say? Well of course I can say, because this is my show. Er, one last look at another nutter before we move on. Erm, er, er this gentleman here on the front row. Er er, I must ask, can we, can we have the lights down low, please, because for obvious reasons he doesn’t want to be recognised, and we shall just have to refer to him simply as Mr Arthur Hicks of 157 Mountain Gardens, Pinner NW5 6RJ, telephone 01 154 29 59. Er, er yes now, Mr Hicks, if I can come a little closer to you, er you have an unusual and rather embarrassing habit, I believe, er in that you snore while you’re awake.

Mr Hicks: Chrrrrr, ye.. yes, that is er, that is, Chrrmpf, that is so, yes. Ahem. Chrrrrrr…

James Burkiss: Right, yes, okay. Great, great, okay, okay. Now, can you tell me, when, when did this first start?

Mr Hicks: Er, well er, it all came about because I used to erm, Chrrrrrrr, er, very heavily when—

James Burkiss: Yeah, yeah.

Mr Hicks: —I was asleep, you see. Chrrr…

James Burkiss: I see that, yeah.

Mr Hicks: …rrr, er. Only it got so bad that the lady across the road started complaining about it. Chrrr…

James Burkiss: Yeah, okay, I see er. So, so what did you do?

Mr Hicks: Well, I just had to start sleeping with the wife again, er…

James Burkiss: Yeah, okay, great, yeah. Great, okay. Yeah, great, super. Now, nutters, loonies, screwballs, candidates for the giggle factory. All the people I’ve spoken to so far tonight have one thing in common: They’re all serving life sentences for mass murder. (slight pause) Yeah. And that’s what tonight’s programme is all about, Ladies and Gentlemen, prison. Prison and prison sentences.

Female Voice: The cat sat on the prison.

James Burkiss: That’s an example of an ordinary prison sentence. Right? Okay.

Female Voice: The cat sat on the (half-chocked) ouargh, my neck, ouahh!

James Burkiss: And now, now that was an example of a suspended sentence. Okay, okay. Now, now, okay, thanks, thanks a lot, yeah yeah. Tonight, with a little help from the studio audience, I want to demonstrate to you, The Burkiss Way To Escape From Prison. Okay, okay, great. Well. Before you can escape from prison, of course, you’ve got to get in there first. Yeah, and now that means getting arrested. And before you can get arrested, you’ve got to do something wrong, like our man at the beginning of the programme, who appeared in court, accused of one hundred and forty-four indecent exposures and was charged with gross indecency. Nya. He, he.. he was found, he was eventually found guilty of a one hundred and forty-five cases, and told next time to show a bit more respect to the judge. Okay? Right. So, er, yeah, right, okay, okay, right. So, let’s go over now for a word from er, Olga Boot, who’s our resident criminologist. Olga?

Olga Boot (speaking with a mock Swedish accent): Thank you, James. Ahem, well now, other ways of getting yourself put in prison are fraud and grievous bodily harm. This happens when you con someone into paying you to beat him up, yes?

James Burkiss: Okay, great.

Olga Boot: Whatever your line of felony, the Burkiss Way will be able to help.

F/X: door bell

Voice-over: Do your face muscles feel tired and lifeless? Do your cheeks sag and your eyes droop? Then try Burkiss Elasticated Stockings. Burglars all over the country have found our stockings give their faces the support and comfort they really need. Write now, stating colour preference from dried-blood-brown, cosh-grey or bruise-black, to Burkiss Improper Supplies Limited, Stepney. Knock twice on the envelope and ask for Scarface.

F/X: door bell

James Burkiss: Okay, right, okay, fine, I’m back again. Okay, right, well, let’s assume now that you’re in prison. Okay, right, that’s the first hurdle over. Now, a slightly more tricky operation, how do you get out? Well, well well. The best way is just to wait until the time is absolutely right. If you’ve been put in for twenty years, say… we..er.. twenty years would be a good time to wait. Then, all you have to do is, er when the warder comes in to let you out, hit him over the head with a chair and escape down a rope made of knotted sheets.

Olga Boot: Waiting for twenty years can of course prove a little boring. So, while you’re in there, it’s as well to take up little hobbies, like sport, listening to the radio, sport, sport, sport, listening to the radio, and sport. And of course, listening to sport on the radio.

Music: Funeral March by Chopin, then down for

Frank: Good evening, and what an amazing year for British sport, a truly incredible year. But enough of nineteen thirty-two, what about this year?

Music: fades out completely

Frank: Well, let’s just refresh our memories about some of those great British olympic achievements.

F/X: athlete breathing heavily and then groaning as he jumps off

F/X: rising tone

F/X: ‘clunk’

Commentator: Oh, and he’s missed it by eight inches, a mere eight inches. What a great disappointment there for diver Keith Clunk. He almost made it into the swimming pool that time.

Frank: Well, so much for past successes; what are our hopes for the next Olympics? Team captain Beatrice Failure.

Beatrice Failure (Irish accent): Hello there, Frank.

Frank: Er Failure, er Beatrice, er ha, I understand that you’ve made rather a breakthrough.

Beatrice Failure: Yes Frank, er we have discovered rather a major new approach.

Frank: Well Beatrice, in, in what way?

Beatrice Failure: Well Frank, just look at these incredible times clocked up for the thousand metres. After only three weeks training, one minute four seconds, one minute one second, fifty-nine seconds!

Frank: That’s amazing! An..and, where is the athlete who achieved this?

Beatrice Failure: Athlete? What athlete?

Frank: Er er, that produced those times.

Beatrice Failure: Who said anything about athletes, Frank? Those times were produced by one of the finest young stopwatches I’ve ever trained.

Frank: Er, stopwatches?!

Beatrice Failure: Well, it’s obvious, Frank, isn’t it? We’ve been wasting our time training people, when we can get times like this from stopwatches!

Frank: Absolutely—

Beatrice Failure: [Incredible?]!

Frank: —incredible! Well, let’s just go over now to Crystal Palace to see how this new system is working. Your commentator: Ron Pickernose.

F/X: outside athletic grounds atmosphere

Ron Pickernose: Hello, and as you join us, they’re just lining up for the four hundred metres relay event.

F/X: stopwatches ticking

Ron Pickernose: In lane one is a stopwatch there, in lane two a stopwatch, er lane three wearing number forty-seven is a stopwatch. There’s no one in lane four, er lane five is the favourite for this event, a stopwatch. And in lane six, it’s Brendan Foster – oh no, sorry, I beg your pardon, it’s a stopwatch. Right, and they’re on their marks…

F/X: gun shot

F/X: clicking, as each stopwatch is stopped in turn

Ron Pickernose: And I think it was a stopwatch, yes it certainly looked from here as if it was a stopwatch, but we’ll have to wait for that result to be officially confirmed. So in the meantime, let’s go over to David Elmond for the field events.

David Elmond: Thank you Ron, and the news here is that in the high jump our team originally had trouble clearing the bar. But that’s all been sorted out now and it’s been allowed to compete. And already this amazing plucky British bar has achieved a height of two point six metres. Our athletes just couldn’t get over it. Well, now, …

F/X: sound of running feet approaching

David Elmond: … now we’re all set for the long jump, and there goes the judge!

F/X: tape measure being unwound

David Elmond: Just look at that tape measure go! It’s really pulling away from the spool now, absolutely leaping forwards down that sand pit. This.. this wiry little tape measure from Bromley, and it seems to be well over twenty-four feet, yes, twenty-four point five feet!

Ron Pickernose: Thank you David, and they’re just about to start the final presentation ceremony now.

Music: God Save the Queen

Ron Pickernose: (over) And in the first place it’s, yes, as expected, once again in top position it’s the gold medal! In second place, it’s the silver medal and oh dear, what a great disappointment for that plucky little bronze, pipped into third place once again. Well, we can just never understand why, and with that, we’ll return you to the studio.

Music: out

(applause)

James Burkiss: Okay, okay, okay, great. Well, twenty years in jail, what does it do to a man? Let’s take a completely normal person from the audience, yes yes, you Sir!

Audience Member #3 (sounding like Eric Pode of Croydon): Er me, yes? Me, Mr Burkiss?

James Burkiss: Er that’s it, er yes. You with the, the string knotted around your waist.

Audience Member #3: Er, my underpants are being washed, Sir.

James Burkiss: Yes, fine. Fine fine, okay. Right now, would you like to step inside this mockup of Wormwood Scrubs prison?

Audience Member 3: Er, do I have to Mr Burkiss?

James Burkiss: Get in there,—

Audience Member #3: If I got to…

James Burkiss: —you stupid little git, yes that’s right. Over there, Sir. Okay, now we just lock the door up…

F/X: door slamming shut and then being locked

James Burkiss: Right. Now, this is a little experiment, I hope it works. Now, what’s happening in there is that the man’s brain has just received a message saying ‘Hey, I’ve just been locked up in a mockup of Wormwood Scrubs prison.’ And this message is relayed to all the areas of his brain, across the entire two cubic inches. And in particular to this area here, the fruitcake lobe. Now, the fruitcake lobe contains lots of little cells like crumbs of fruitcake, and when they’re activated, they go all over the body shouting ‘Hey, look at me, I’m nutty as a fruitcake!’. Until, until, okay okay, great. Until eventually the man ends up believing he is something totally absurd, like the Centre Court at Wimbledon. Er, let’s take a look and see…

F/X: door being unlocked and opened

James Burkiss: (off) Er hello, Sir, are you there?

F/X: tennis court atmosphere with play in progress, then spectators applauding

Umpire: Thirty – fifteen.

James Burkiss: There you are, what did I tell you? Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen, for being such a great sport.

(applause)

James Burkiss: Okay, great. Great, great, absolutely, okay, well now I’d like to try another little experiment with er, another member of the audience. Er you, Sir.

Audience Member #4: (unintelligible)

James Burkiss: Would you come out here and throw this switch?

Audience Member #4: Oh, ye.. yes, certainly.

F/X: rising tone, switch being flicked

Music: Theme from A Summer Place, then down for

James Burkiss: Er, yeah, well that’s fine, now, now read out the words on the card.

Music: fades out completely

Audience Member #4: Er, right. Erm (reading rather slowly, like someone with analphabetic tendencies) BBC idiot board – not these words you fool, the ones on the other side! (realises his mistake) Oh, sorry.

James Burkiss: Yeah.

Audience Member #4: Er, er. (reading again) There will now be a short intermission.

Music: up again

F/X: door bell

Music: out

Burglar 1: Here is a public service announcement on behalf of burglars. (sniff) Er before you came out tonight, er did you make sure your window catches were all left open? Did you remember to check that the key was still left in the door? Above all, did you double-check that your car wasn’t locked, and a sack of valuable silverware was left on the back seat? To be doubly certain of robbery, why not install one of our new ‘Burkiss Theft Devices’?

Burglar 2: The Burkiss Burglar Alarm. As soon as you leave the house empty, you trip a wire which rings a bell at the house of your local burglar. Within seconds, he can be on the spot, pilfering all your goods.

Burglar 3: The Burkiss Muggers’ Safety Case ensures complete safety for all muggers. (sniff) A neon sign on the side lights up saying ‘I am carrying an extremely large amount of money’. And when the mugger pounces, a pair of manacles traps both your hands, making self-defence impossible.

Burglar 1: Yes er, why not arrange for one of our representatives to call round now? Er remember, if it’s inconvenient, he can always call back when you’re not in.

F/X: door bell

James Burkiss: Hello, er yes and okay, and welcome back to part two of the Burkiss special; well the next thing I want to talk to you about is (unintelligible) …

F/X: crackling noises, as if the transmission is breaking down

Announcer: Oh er well, we’re very sorry, but we appear to be having some technical difficulty with this programme. The vision seems to have gone completely. In the meantime, this radio show will continue in sound only.

James Burkiss: Okay, right, glad to have you back, now I want to ahhh—

F/X: several crashing and clattering noises

James Burkiss: Ow!!

Olga Boot: Uh!! What is happening?

James Burkiss: I I I I I I can’t see anything, the vision’s gone.

Olga Boot: Oh well, we just have to muddle through somehow—

James Burkiss: Er right.

Olga Boot: —in true British fashion.

James Burkiss: Right, now hang on, who, who said that?

Olga Boot: I couldn’t see, it was too dark.

James Burkiss: Oh okay, okay. Great, well er, while we’re waiting for the vision to er return, folks, remember that while you’re in prison, you can occupy your mind with anything from gardening to er watching television and, and back again. You can even watch shows like this:

F/X: applause

Presenter: Thank you friends, thank you friends, and welcome back to part two of Scraping the Barrel, the talent show… (audience reaction) the talent show that provides you with the very best in variety, and of course, me as well. Well, right now it’s make-your-mind-up-time, and I mean that most er… erm…

Assistant: (whispered) Sincerely.

Presenter: Oh, sincerely friends, sincerely. So let’s just refresh our memories about the very varied and interesting line-up we had tonight. First was of course last week’s winner, the Whopping Foghorns, who sounded like this:

F/X: foghorns playing two quick notes, followed by a longer bass note (da-diii duuuuuuuu)

Presenter: Then from the Tyne-Tees area we had a very funny double act, who gave us all a chuckle, Fog and Horn:

F/X: foghorns same as above, then an even deeper bass note

(audience cheering)

Presenter: Thank you very much there for Fog and Horn. Friends, we try to bring you the utmost in variety on this show and tonight was no exception. From the Grampian area up there in bonny Scotland, average age just seven years, we met the White Heather Foghorns.

Music: Scottish folk tune, accompanied by short foghorn notes

Presenter: And finally friends, we had an act that was just so unusual to this programme, it rocked the entire studio. Mister Eric Fat of Norwich, who is not a foghorn. How about that? And this was what he did for us tonight:

F/X: foghorn

Presenter: So there we are, a brilliant impressionist, ladies and gentlemen, Eric Fat of Norwich. If you can’t spell Fat, just put ‘Foghorn’ and we’ll know exactly who you mean. Alright now, we’re running a little bit…

F/X: TV set being switched off

James Burkiss: Okay, okay. Right now, while you’re waiting twenty years for your prison sentence to elapse, you may be thinking ‘Isn’t there an easier way of getting out of here?’

Olga Boot: Well, one simple method is of course to diet down and slip effortlessly under the door of your cell.

F/X: door bell

Voice-over: Yes, you can be slimmer! It really works! Our revolutionary new appliance can take four inches off your waist and hips instantly! Send your cheques now to the Burkiss Slimming Aids and Bacon Slicer Company, Stepney.

F/X: door bell

James Burkiss: Er, oh yeah, great, okay. A more effective way of escaping is shown in this week’s Burkiss Way in Action. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present an escapist drama, The Count of Monte Cristo.

Music: [??], then down for

F/X: pen scribbling in the background

Edmond: Diary of Edmond Dantès. June the First, Eighteen Fifteen. Check oil and sparkplugs.

Music: out

Edmond: Our leader Napoleon Bonaparte has been sent to exile, but our resistance movement fights on.

F/X: pages being turned, then further scribbling

Edmond: June the Twelfth. Adjust tappets. The governments have warned that all collaborators will pay dearly if they’re found out.

F/X: pages being turned, then further scribbling

Edmond: July, Sixth. Replace oil filter element and recap distributor point. NB: Beginning to think this AA diary was a waste of money without a car. July, Seventh.

F/X: wooden ship creaking

Edmond: Accepted a commission for captain on a trading ship.

F/X: further creaking, waves in the background

Edmond: We were three days out of port when something terrible happened.

F/X: creaking

Edmond: We ran out of whisky as well. I put the men on ration, but there was scarcely any substitute. Then…

F/X: ship atmosphere stops

Announcer: Well, we’re happy to tell you that we’re now able to resume the picture on this radio show. We apologise if it’s spoiled your enjoyment of the programme.

F/X: ship atmosphere resumes

Edmond: During the voyage I noticed that my first mate was growing a bitter man. He watered him every day and waited for him to bloom, but why? Was he jealous of my position? Had I offended his pride somehow, or was it because I ordered him to be flogged, keel-hauled, beaten and hung from the yardarm for (getting worked up) not using his fish-knife at dinner? (calmly again) Unbeknown to me, he had set a trap for me as we docked at Marseille.

F/X: seaside atmosphere with seagulls

Gendarme (French accent): Eh, Mr Dantès?

Edmond: Yes?

Gendarme: I must arrest you for being in ca’uts with Bonaparte.

Edmond: Prove it!

Gendarme: Very well. We found these in your cabin. Your membership card for the Marseille and District ’igh Treason Society, and this post card from the Isle of Elba, saying ‘ ’aving a terrible time. Wish you’d get on with the massaceur. Love, Nappy.’

F/X: seaside atmosphere stops, pen scribbling resumes

Edmond: And so I was dragged off to prison by the gendarmes.

F/X: further scribbling

Edmond: I was incarcerated in the Château d’If. And as the years passed, I grew older. (so does his voice, ever so slightly) In fact, there are days now when I fear I am going mad! I mentioned this to the table yesterday, but it did assure me I was fine.

Table: Oh, you’re fine.

F/X: water dripping

Edmond: Good, good.

F/X: scraping noises in the background, which slowly intensify

Edmond: At first I used to go out of my mind every day, but now I’m older, I don’t go out nearly so much. (pause) Hang on! What is that scraping noise?

F/X: wall partly crumbling and coming down

Edmond: I… I.. don’t believe it! Another prisoner? Do you realise Sir, that I’ve been in this prison for twenty years and you’re the first man I’ve seen?

Sister Angela (French accent): Really, mamselle?

Edmond: Yes! But who are you?

Sister Angela: I am Sister Angela of Monte Cristo Abbey. I was imprisoned after the Bonapartists swept through the buildings, ravaging all except moi.

Edmond: Er, why not… toi?

Sister Angela: Well, I didn’t fancy any of them. Then, when I wouldn’t tell them the whereabouts of the treasure of Monte Cristo, they imprisoned me ’ere. ’elp me escape and ’alf the gold is yours.

Edmond: What shall I do?

Sister Angela: Well, if you saw the legs off your bed, we could build a shovel.

Edmond: Very well!