Music: This Is Your Life signature tune, then down for Eamonn Andrews (Chris?): (over) Hello there, and This Is Your Life. And tonight on This Is Your Life, a man with what must be the most diabolical occupation in the world. (music fades out) A man whose mindlessly soul-destroying job would probably cost most people their sanity. But more about me later. (audience reaction) Our subject tonight is a very well-known Radio Four *comedy* show, which is about to start any *second* now, so haven't got a lot of time. I'm now gonna disguise myself as a joke, ugghh... ugh... there, that didn't take long... and now, I'll just slip back onto-- F/X: paper rustling Eamonn Andrews: --page three of the script, and we'll see what happens. Continuity Announcer (Jo): This is Radio Four. And now, news of some programmes coming to you later today. In a few moments, we present the humorous wireless programme 'The Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living'. (voice speeds up) Then at six forty-five tonight, there's another chance to hear what's going on in [??] as we present 'The Archers'. (continues speeding up to unintelligibility) That's followed at seven o'clock by the news and weather, another look... F/X: explosion, several objects clattering onto the floor F/X: police siren approaching, vehicle door opening Policeman (Nigel): Alright, alright squire. What's your game then, squire? Don't you know the speed limit for continuity announcers on Radio Four? Squire? Thirty words an hour, squire. (pause) I think you'd better announce into this bag. (audience reaction) Eh, squire? Continuity Announcer: What do you mean? I was perfectly legal. Policeman: Just announce into the bag, squire. Say something about one of your Radio Four programmes. Continuity Announcer: Look, this is pathetic. Policeman: That'll do nicely. Now then, may I see your papers? Continuity Announcer: Ah, erm well that's a bit akward actually I'm afraid, because I haven't got all my personal papers and diaries and things at the moment, my.. husband said he wanted to borrow them all. Policeman: Borrow them all? What for? Continuity Announcer: Well, he didn't say. But he *did* stress that it wasn't to lend them to the research consultance on the This Is Your Life programme. Policeman: Strange. Exactly the same thing happened to me. Continuity Announcer: Really? Policeman: Yes. My husband did exactly the same thing. Well, be that as it may, squire, I've got to have a look at your papers. Continuity Announcer: Why? Policeman: Well, mine were delivered this morning. Continuity Announcer: Hang on, there was something funny about that joke. Policeman: No, I don't think so, squire. Continuity Announcer: No, I mean it wasn't a real joke at all, but it, it was-- Eamonn Andrews: Stop! He he hee! Policeman: What? What? Eamonn Andrews: Alright, hold it there. Voice-over (Fred): The next line is now appearing on the cutting room floor at Broadcasting House. Eamonn Andrews: He he. Well, you thought you were both comin' here tonight to do a rather zany routine about radio announcers getting arrested for speeding, but instead, we've got bags more, thrills, spells and surprises for you all, because tonight, The Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living, *This Is Your Life*. Continuity Announcer: Oohooo... Policeman: (simultaneously) Oh. (short pause, audience reaction) Eamonn Andrews: Yes, a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... (pause, audience reaction) a ha ha ha ha ha ha... (pause, audience reaction) a ha ha ha... (short pause, audience reaction) a ha ha... ha (pause, audience reaction) a ha... (pause, audience reaction) ... cut to the studio quick, for heaven's sake! Music: This Is Your Life signature jingle Audience: (applause) Eamonn Andrews: (off-camera) Have they all had their injections now, only I don't want them t-- (realises he actually *is* on camera) Oh right, a ha ha ha ha ha... Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and tonight, This Is Your Life The Burkiss Way. Now, the story of the Burkiss Way is one which begins in a little maternity ward in Stepney nearly twelve months ago. Mrs Smoth (Jo): George, George. Mr Smoth (Fred?): Yes, dear? Mrs Smoth: George, I feel like an enormous apple dumpling, with.. with... with a couple of erm, with a couple of brussel sprouts on top. Mr Smoth: Yes, ye-yes I dare say, but, but you'll get your figure back eventually, dear. Mrs Smoth: Oh, isn't it marvellous, darling? Mr Smoth: Wonderful. Mrs Smoth: Here we are, expecting our very first radio programme. Mr Smoth: Yes. Mrs Smoth: Ahh. Our very own little Tony Blackburn Show. Mr Smoth: Oh, now now dear, you never know - it might be a *boy*. (audience reaction) F/X: ripping noise Mrs Smoth: George? Mr Smoth: Yes? Mrs Smoth: I think it's coming on! Mr Smoth: Oh good lord! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse (Jo): Alright Mister Smoth, I think you'd better wait outside. Mr Smoth: Right you are, nurse. F/X: door closing Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune Mr Smoth: (over) Oh... oh my... F/X: door handle Music: fades up Mr Smoth: (over) Oh, yes? Nurse: Congratulations, Sir, it's a Radio Four comedy! Mr Smoth: Ohh, oh fantastic! (brief pause) Burkiss Way Announcer: (over) Ga ga ga ga, gu gu gurgle gurgle gu ga ga. Ga ga gu gu gurgle gurgle, Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris, gurgle gu ga gu ga, gu-gurgle gurgle gu-ga gu-ga, Lesson 17, Gurgle Gurgle Gu-Ga The Burkiss Way. Music: to finish & out (applause)