I used to be a illiterate thug. I put it down to coming from a rough neighbourhood. Even as a young child I couldn’t step through the back door without getting mugged. So I had to stay outside… Then the Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living showed me how even I could appear genteel, refined and an intellectual genius. All I gotta do is walk ’round everywhere with the Bay City Rollers. Thanks to the Burkiss Way…
clock ticking
It’s surprising how people make fun of little things. Every time I went out everyone used to shout ‘Oooh, here comes old four-eyes again!’ Then Professor Burkiss came up with the answer: Glasses. Now, now with special dark glasses, two of my eyes are completely masked and I look completely normal. Except for having two covered up eyes down one side of me nose and two exposed eyes down the other, thanks to the Burkiss Way. Haaa…
I… I used to be a complete failure with men. Every time I tried to get off with a gentleman of my own age, he just walked away and for years I could never work out why. Then, one day a friend said ‘Listen, Jim… why not enrol in the Burkiss Way?’
Burkiss way opening signature tune
Yes, we’re back; the BBC’s first and only radio show made exclusively for suckers. The Burkiss Way to Dynamic Living, or you too can have one like mine. Simply send all your money now, plus the name and the address of your psychiatric wing, to Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris and any second now you’ll receive details of number seven in our amazing series of correspondence courses, Influence Friends And Win People The Burkiss Way.
out
Are you unsuccessful in life, bumbling, puny, forgetful, going bald, badly depressed, short of money, inarticulate, overweight, ugly, moronic, impotent?
Yes.
Yes. Eric Pode of Croydon here will tell you that life can be pretty grim if you don’t know how to live it properly.
Life can be pretty grim if you don’t know how to live it properly.
Thank you. Er Mr Croydon?
(very quietly) Yeah?
I imagine it’s not easy being stupid, wet, scrawny and generally repellent.
I find it quiet easy actually.
Ha ha ha. Well, of course Mr Croydon here isn’t alone. All over the country there are thousands just like him. In fact, here is one from Bristol:
(from a distance) Good evening.
And here are party of them from Abergavenny:
(various voices) Good evening. Good evening, mate. Good evening, everybody. Hello…
But they don’t have to be like that, they do it from choice. If however you feel inferior in some way, then allow us at the Professor Emil Burkiss—
choir singing ‘Hallelujah!’ (from Hallelujah Chorus by Händel)
—Academy for Dynam.. Academy for Dynamic Living to put matters right.
Using the principles laid down by Professor Emil Burkiss—
‘Hallelujah!’
—we can make stupid people smart. And if they don’t want to smart, we’ll give them some ointment. Above all, our aim is to help you. There’s no room in the Burkiss organisation for greedy businessmen who are only interested in conning money out of people. I’m afraid we’re full up at the moment. But don’t just take our word for the Burkiss success story.
Paul Mauriat – Love is Blue
It was never any fun for Eustace sunbathing on the beach. It was always the other guys that seemed to have all the fun…
fades out
man and woman giggling and whooping
Er, excuse me, is anyone sitting on this bit of sand?
Get out of my sight! Get out of my sight, you skinny, repulsive little slug! I wouldn’t let my cat spit on you, you gammy pimply-faced little flower grader!
slapping noises
Ohh! Ow, oh!
And stop putting that after-shave on while I’m talking to you! Come on Jane, honey, let’s go.
Alright Norman. Hang on while I pick up my bikini.
But Eustace had an idea.
Thinks: The big bully. I’ll show him. No, perhaps that’s going a bit far. Hang on?! What’s this newspaper?
paper rustling
This advert for the Burkiss Way. Hmm… Gives me an idea.
glissando
Thirteen weeks later.
Thinks: Just look at these bulging, rippling muscles. Now I’ll try again.
And…
foot steps on the sand
Mmhmhmmhm, mmhh…
Norman? Who’s that handsome man coming towards us?
It’s me!
But…
That does it! Take that, you abject pathetic little weed!
‘slap’
Oww!! Ohh, Norman!
Oh push off, you! Come on, Eustace, you’re really my type, mmhh…
Hey, put me down! What are you doing? Stop, hands off!
resumes
Yes, another satisfied customer. Thanks to the Burkiss Way.
out
Well, that’s an example of what Professor Emil Burkiss—
‘Hallelujah!’
—can do for you! Starting this week we’re launching a brand new series of radio correspondence courses. If you have a Radio Times handy, turn to page seventeen and tear the bottom off. Right, done that? Good, now screw it up and throw it away, it’s a picture of Eddie Waring.
Now, just send us a stamped address bank manager and you’re ready for Lesson 7, How To Influence Friends And Win People The Burkiss Way.
And first, how to succeed in business without really trying. To see what sort of influence you need to wield in order to rise to the top at work, let’s study this next recording of a company’s annual board meeting.
(various people muttering)
Er, alright, this.. alright, quiet please, ladies and gentlemen. Quiet, quiet. I now call this board meeting of the Whizzo Dead Rat Company to order. We begin with the company’s annual report, Thrimpson.
Er yes, er well, in the financial year ended five four seventy-six Mr Chairman, the accounts for the Whizzo Dead Rat Company show a net profit of er, twenty-six million five hundred and seventy-two thousand six hundred and sixty-seven pounds and sixty-five pence, Sir.
How much is that in Dollars?
Er… nought, Sir.
What? Well, how many dead rats did we sell during the year?
Er, first half or second half, [Sir ?]?
Both halves.
Er… none, Sir.
None? None?! Smoth! You’re Head of Marketing, why is this?
Because I’m your mistress, Sir.
No no no no no no, I mean why is there this slump?
Ohhh, oh I see. Well, it is a generally recognised tenet of economic science, Sir, that there’s always less of a demand for dead rats during recession.
Well, what happened to our sales campaign? Jobes?
Ahem, well, well, we we we did like you said, Sir; offered a free limb amputation with every dead rat—
Yes …?
—but it didn’t seem to make any difference.
Ahhh, that’s probably were we made our mistake.
Oh, you think so, Sir?
Yes yes, we were faaar too generous. I mean, good lord! A whole free limb amputation? People probably thought there was catch. They probably smelt a rat.
Yes, Sir. I think that’s what putting most of them off.
Er, if you’ll permit me, Sir, I think that part of the trouble is that people didn’t actually want a free limb amputation.
What?!! Didn’t want one?
No, Sir.
When I was boy I’d give my right arm for a free limb amputation. What’s this country coming to, for heaven’s sake!
Er, our auditor said it was an error of judgement, Sir, making that take-over bid for Consolidated Dung.
In what way?
Erm, well, nobody ever actually bought any of their dung, Sir. The company never made any profit.
I’m fully aware of that, Smoth.
Er well yes, Sir, but I—
Don’t worry, I’ll soon make this company solvent. With this: Our new product! Look at this!
This?
(simultaneously) What?!
(slight pause)
Erm, well er, it’s too unpleasant to actually describe it on the air, but er, mark my words, it’ll go like hotcakes!
Yes, like the dead rats, you mean, Sir.
Erm, and the dung.
And the free amputation.
Look, are you trying to tell me I don’t know how to run a business? Honestly, it’s useless trying to deal with you lot, I’m flogging a dead horse!
Er not at seventy-seven pounds fifty a time, you’re not, Sir.
I’m not dropping the price.
Look, Sir… now why don’t we change our approach slightly, Sir? You know, try to sell something… well… nice.
Yes…
Er yes, Sir.
Nice?!
Well y..yes, Sir. Why don’t we try marketing something that people actually…
… want to buy, Sir.
—want, want to buy, as it were, yes, Sir.
Sounds like a crackpot idea to me. Dear me, if you’ll think that—
phone ringing, handset taken off cradle
Sir Trivial Crapnall. Oh yes yes, hello? What?! Oh yes yes, I’m sure we can arrange that, yes yes. Eight thousand five hundred dead rats, yes yes… sixteen thousand sachets of dung, yes yes yes yes yes… four hundred and seventy-three dead horses? Yes, yes yes… and what? What? Oh that… yes, yes. Well, we’re just starting to market that, yes yes. I’ll put the order through straightaway, goodbye.
phone handset replaced on cradle
Ohhhh, saved again.
Really, Sir?
Yes, yes, sometimes I don’t know what we’d do without British Rail catering.
Er before we go on, here is an important announcement:
door bell
(over PA) The Burkiss Way wish to apologise to British Rail for that last joke. This was due to a personal vendetta by one of the script writers, who was extremely annoyed at being given a cold fried egg at Edinburgh station, particularly when he had asked for a return ticket to Newcastle. Thank you.
door bell
Well now, how to influence friends. This is quite a simple exercise, but it’ll be useful if you get a friend to help you. Stand him up at the other end of the room and try waving at him, preferably using a five pound note.
And always try and look your best when with friends. With a little extra make-up and a slightly lower cut dress, you could become the focus of attention – as many men have found out. And of course, don’t forget your jewellery.
vibraphone glissando
[???]
New from Burkiss Beauty Service. Ears pierced while you wait, teeth straightened out, hair removed. Apply Al Carlotti and his boys, Sicily.
out
vibraphone glissando
Well, in a moment or two we return for a detailed look into the second part of our course, how to win people. That’s after the following intermission.
Theme from A Summer Place
There will now be a short intermission.
Jimmy Smith – The Cat
(over) Coming soon, the story of a man who always gets his fair shares. The man who likes to see figures that are nicely balanced and who’s never caught with his profit margins down.
switches to David Rose – The Stripper
Mmh..
Hoohh…
Mmmh…
Come with me…
Mmm…
… I cannot wait any longer.
No no no, I cannot.
Ohh, not even if I show you both of these?
Ohh, oh no no, you know I can never resist double entry book-keeping.
changes back to The Cat
(over) Yes, ‘Danish Joint Auditor On The Job’, the film that Accountancy Today tried to ban.
fades into background
Ohh, Hans!
Ohh, Ingrid.
Ohh, Hans!
Ohh, Ingrid.
Ohh, Hans!
Look, we’ll have to check the figures a bit faster than this. What comes after that last o?
back into foreground
(over) From the people who brought you ‘I Am Curious, Merchant Banker’:
stereotypically French accordion music (Maurice Larcange – Soirée Nostalgique)
Mmm…
Ohh…
Hmmm…
Right, I ’ave done it, I ’ave got into all this rubber, —
Uh…
—this time, perhaps you won’t suddenly loose interest.
Ah, too late, mon amour. Rubber ’as already gone down six points. Let’s go into zinc while there’s still time!
Alright! Give me a hand, help me.
metallic clattering
The Cat resumes
(over) … and the blockbusting Fräuleins in ‘Equitable Life-Assurance’:
Richard Wagner – Ride of the Valkyries
Ach, insurance man! Now you can’t get away until you’ve had einhundert of these! Take that, and that, und that!
Really, Mrs Himmler, must you always pay your premium one penny at a time?
Jaaah!!
The Cat resumes
(over) Yes, if you need to liquidate your holdings, don’t miss ‘Danish Joint Auditor On The Job’. Coming soon to this intermission.
out
Another method of winning people is through competitions. Competitions not unlike this one.
Ask the Family signature tune (Acka Raga), then out
(rather bored-sounding) Hello… and welcome to another edition of Ask The Cleverdicks. And tonight on Ask The Cleverdicks we have the Smartypants family from Dulwich. And sitting opposite them from Dulwich, an example of real intellectual brilliance – me! Oh, and over here we have the God-Doesn’t-It-Make-You-Sick family, who come from Dulwich. Right, just a reminder of the silly rules, I ask a question and you have to show off. (short pause) So here we go with question one: Oh dear! Who first formulated the theory of relativity, promulgated the quantum hypothesis and conducted experiments of mass and energy?
‘buzz’
The Smartypants family, Dulwich.
Correct, that’s who it was. On to question two: Oh pathetic! Rearrange the letters of something meaning ‘dull and lifeless’ to give the name of a comedian.
‘buzzz’
Dick Emery.
Correct. And the name of the comedian?
Er, Ricky Mede, the Northern club comic.
Yes, alright. A simple one here for the God-Doesn’t-It-Make-You-Sick family: What’s the next number: two, three, four…
‘buzz’
Eight. It’s the fourth and final valency figure for the element osmium.
Yes, straightfoward one that. Well done, four year old Damien. What’s next? Oh yes, here’s a recording of a noise being made from an unusual angle.
weird noise
(muttering) Oh dear… it’s er… cosmic, genetic, oscilloscopic, er…
Erm, we’d like to have a stab at Esther Rantzen.
Oh very well, here she is.
‘stab’
Ahhhhhhhouuu!
Well done. Now one for the children only. What do you call a man who speaks fifty-three languages?
‘buzzz’
Erm, quinto-decimo-duo-lingual?
That’s fifty-two languages. Shows these children don’t know everything, thank goodness. I’m going to throw this one over to the other side…
Ohhh! Let me go, ohhhhh!
falling tone, ‘clunk’
The God-Doesn’t-It-Make-You-Sick children, what do you call a man who speaks fifty-three languages?
Daddy.
Yes, correct. Now, would you all please put on your blindfolds, thank you. (slight pause) Oh, that’s better. Why, you can take ’em off again now. Now a question, now a question for the families’ parrots: Which parrot can imitate my voice? (slight pause) I see the Smartypants parrot has got its light on. Yes, very good, I’ll give you two points for that. But now we come to the last part, thank goodness. So everybody fingers on the buttons in front of you, that’s it.
electric discharge
Ahhhhh! Owwwww! Owww! Oouououoww!
That’ll teach you to be so clever. So with the electrocution spot over we say goodbye now and ha, see you next week.
End of Ask the Family signature tune
Well, as I was saying, how to win people. First, get some people. And then, win them. Simple enough, isn’t it? But that could be where your troubles begin…
door bell
Eh morning, er Mrs Sproat?
No.
Mrs Mabel Sproat?
No.
Mrs Mabel Sproat of er 14 Hackney Gardens, Lewisham?
Noo.
Oh good.
Why’d you ask?
Oh, just a routine precaution. Now then, it’s er Mrs Dora Perskins, innit dear?
Er yes.
It’s Bleed-Em-Dry Football Pools, madam. I got your prize here.
Prize?
Yes, third price in the treble chance, madam. I’ll just unpack it for you.
wooden crate being opened
Ah, here we go. Ughh… ahh…
Err, good evening. Er, tonight, I..ii want to say, mo.. most emphatically…
What is it?
… as I [say ?] of course… (drones on in background)
Well it’s, it’s a cabinet minister, madam, just sign here, would you?
A what?
A cabinet minister. Just sign here, would you?
A cabinet minister? But what does it do?
Do? Er ha, well look, i-it’s, it is a member of the guvernment, it doesn’t do anything. Look, will you just sign here, please…
I’m sorry, he’s no good to me. He doesn’t go with me curtains.
Er, but er—
Besides, his voice gets on me nerves.
Well, well, ah yeah, just get him to sit down, that’ll soon muffle it. Now, could you just sign here, please—
I’m sorry, I’m not havin’ him.
Reconsider.
No.
Oh please.
No!
Just sign here, will—
For the last time, put that autograph book away and leave me alone!
Hmph! I’ve got it! I’ve got it. Use it as a dustbin, to dispose of some useless lump of rubbish.
But I haven’t got a useless lump of rubbish.
Then you’re in luck, lady! I got the Chancellor of the Exchequer in the other crate.
(out)
Well, that just about concludes today’s course on How To Win People And Influence Friends, and we finish off with a more detailed look at one of our case histories in The Burkiss Way in Action.
And our tale this week comes from the pen of Charles Dickens, a writer which unfortunately never became as famous as its owner. We present: The Story of Young Nickertwist Copperby.
[???]
(old man’s voice) Our story begins in a strange, rambling old voice, but fortunately (normal voice) very soon changes. On a fierce, windy night in November, a young mother and her doctor are struggling to bring a baby into the world. (groaning and moaning in background) Nine months later, Nickertwist Copperby is born.
(unintelligible baby speech)
Do you know, Mr Copperby, I do believe it’s got your ears.
Pardon?
I was right. Give those back to your father this instant!
(cries a little)
[???]
Life became bleak though, when Mr Copperby died. Young Nickertwist would sit and stare at the painting of his father hanging by the stairs, and then think how well the artist had caught the light on the noose. Mrs Copperby however still had her admirers. One at a time, on Saturday afternoons.
knocking on door, then door handle
Good morning, young man. I’ve come to see your mother.
Er, she’s in bed.
Alright, I’ll wait until she’s finished.
What, what what d’you want?
I am Lord Tinsdale, the artist. I’ve come to finish my work on your mother’s bust.
You disgust me! Get out!
door being slammed shut
Nick! Nick! Ohh, there you are. I’ve the most delightful news for you, Nick. You know Sir Wensley Partington?
He comes round every morning, doesn’t he?
With the help of some strong coffee, yes. Well Nick, you’ll soon have to start calling him ‘father’.
Oh, that.. that that’s marvellous news, Mama!
Oh I knew you’d be pleased.
He’s becoming a priest! That means we won’t have to put up with the miserable old face-ache round here any more!
Nickertwist! If you and he can’t get on, I shall have to send you away.
Away, Mama?
To school, Nick. To Dotheboys Hall.
Mama!
[???]
(over) And to Dotheboys Hall young Copperby was sent. He soon became terrified of Wackford Squeers, but he got on quite well with the rest of Wackford’s staff.
Copperby?! Come here!
chains clanking
Yes, Sir?
Where’s your homework, Copperby?
It, it’s at at home, Sir.
Don’t answer me back, boy!
But, but but Mr Wackford, Sir…
And don’t call me names, either! And don’t speak with your mouth open and take your feet off the floor! I’ll soon wipe that skin off your feet! Hold out your hand!
Oh no no, Sir! No, Sir, anything but that, Sir!
Don’t be a baby, Copperby! Hold out your hand, that’s better, now! Where’s that saw?
sawing noises
Ahh! Ow! Oh, no, Sir! Ahh!
[???]
In a week, Copperby had stood as much as he could… until he had his feet sawn off as well, then he fell over. But eventually, he ran away to seek fame and fortune in the cobbled streets of London.
street atmosphere
If you please, Miss, I’d like to get to Peckham.
How dare you?! Take that!
‘plock’
Owww!
Can I be of assistance, my dear?
Er, yes, Sir. If you please, Sir, I, Nickertwist Copperby, am all alone in this great city, looking for shelter, and completely at the mercy of the first hideous-looking jew who grabs me for his gang of young pickpockets.
Ah, good, good. In here.
door handle, door closing again
Eww, ohh! What’s this dingy, greasy hole?
That’s my mouth, my dear. Now then: Copperby, my dear, I shall say you are just the person to help out a poor, deserving old gentleman.
Certainly. Where is he?
Such a sense of humour, the young man has, hasn’t he Nancy?
Mmm, I’ll say, sugar.
I… I I I, I think, I think I ought to go. My mama didn’t approve of me meeting lots of strange men.
What makes you think that?
She always kept her bedroom door locked.
Weell, weell, we are as straight as dies, aren’t we Nancy?
Do me a favour, Fagin.
Later, my dear, later. Now, Copperby, Copperby, I want you to—
Sir?
—play a little game, —
Yes, Sir?
—I just want you to play a little game, my boy. Listen to what young Smudger over there says and note it down on this piece of paper.
Very well, Sir.
Right. What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison – you can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Yeees yes, very good, very good. Did you.. did you write all that down, my dear?
Yes Sir, —
paper rustling
—there we are.
Excellent. I think you have the makings of a good one, Copperby, my dear.
Er, a good what, Sir?
Shhh!
door handle, door closing again
Ahh, ahh ha! It’s you, Dodger. Any luck today, my dear?
I done my best, Fagin. Here.
Ahh, let’s see, let’s see what you’ve got, let’s see.
paper rustling
My wife’s so fat, she kickstarts jumbo jets. Excuse me, Madam, your husband’s been run over by a steam roller – I’m in the bath, slip him under the door. Do you file your nails – No, I throw them away. Yes, lovely Dodger, lovely, lovely! All nice and old and completely untraceable, all the better for his purpose!
F..f..f..f..for whose purpose, Sir?
That would be telling, Copperby, my dear.
Yeah, Monkhouse would murder us if—
No!!
—ow!
What?
Oh sorry, Fagin!
Monkhouse! So that’s it! This man is paying you to go round the city, stealing jokes for him!
Shhhh! Copperby, my dear, too much knowledge isn’t good for you. I shall send you out now on a job, and to make sure you behave yourself, you’ll be accompanied by Miss Betsy.
Who’s she? Some common trumpet I’ll bet!
I think you mean strumpet! Strumpet, Copperby, my dear! A trumpet, is a rather expensive brassy thing that doesn’t take too long to pick up, and, and an’ you finger it at one end, er I I… Betsy? Betsy. Come in here a minute!
door handle
Hello Fagin, what is it?
Mama!
Nick?!
Mama, you?! Operating in this den of vice? I might have known. All my life you’ve thought of nothing but men! Men, men, men! Every time I see you it’s with some man! I’ll bet you even went with one before I was born!
Oh Nick! Just give me one last chance! From this moment on, I’ll do everything I can to mend my ways.
But, tragedy was to intervene.
Funeral March by Chopin (continues in background)
Three years later, young Nickertwist Copperby’s mother was lying in the local church cemetery.
(sobbing) Ohh, oh Mama! Oh how did it have to happen?! Why? Why oh Mama? It’s just not, it’s not fair, Mama! Oh Mama!
Yes?
Mama! Will you leave the vicar alone and let the poor man get on with his funeral!
Burkiss Way closing signature tune
Do you find things get on top of you at funerals, do you find it impossible to get on with women? After just two weeks of our course all that could be reversed. You’ll find it impossible to get off with women. Apply now to Jo Kendall, Nigel Rees, Chris Emmett and Fred Harris, care of the Burkiss Way, Stepney. Andrew Marshall and David Renwick will write you a script under a special money-back offer: If not completely satisfied, you simply send us some money back. Addressed please to producer Simon Brett of Stepney. See you next week, suckers and Happy Dynamic Living!
End