static noise, as if this was some old-time radio broadcast
This is the BBC Home Service.
four short (Greenwich) pips
The time is exactly Greenwich pips. And so once again, young ones, it’s time for Children’s Favourites, introduced as always by Uncle Hitler.
Children’s Favourites theme (Puffin’ Billy), then down and out for
(shouting) Hello children, everywhere!
crowd cheering
Und today, the—
crowd stops abruptly
—first record ist der request from Norman und Edith Carruthers, for their little son Villie! [???]! Vally Vhyton, mit de Disk und Kiddiewinks! [Der Fagotten gotta spielen ?]: The Runaway Train!
crowd cheering, then stopping again abruptly
Unfortunately, ve have some bad news for you!
crowd cheering, then stopping again abruptly
The BBC Record Library cannot manage the aktual recording by Vally Vhyton! So! Inshtead, ve haf decided… to invade Poland!!
crowd chanting ‘Sieg Heil’
Und der next card, comes from – four years old Jeremy Face-Ointment of Shtockton-on-Tees! Who says: Can ve launch the Blitzkrieg, for all at number fourteen! For ze best mummy in der world, and for Simon Perskins and his two pet görbels[1]! Vell! Once again, the BBC Record Library could not manage to launch the aktual Blitzkrieg! So inshtead, we play you zis record, vich has much the same devastation rate! Der Laughing Continuity Announcer!
crowd cheering
opening bars of Charles Jolly – The Laughing Policeman
I know a fat old continuity announcer /
I couldn’t bear to miss,
for every time he’s on the air /
he always speaks like this.
I asked him if he’d ever laughed /
he said he’d never tried,
but then one day he started /
and he laughed until he cried.
O ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho,
ho ho ho ho ho,
o ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho,
ho ho ho ho, ho.
A ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha,
hi hi hi hi hi,
a ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha,
ho ho ho hi ho hi.
some more bars of The Laughing Policeman
This is the BBC Home Service.
audience laughing hysterically
Burkiss Way opening signature tune
(over) Yes, it’s time once again for me to say ‘Yes, it’s time once again for the Burkiss Way’s amazing correspondence course in Dynamic Living.’ Do you long to be a success in life, are you boring, talentless, unloved, generally scorned, an outcast by those around you? Have you been compère of Sale Of The Century for the last ten years? Well, this week with the help of Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris, you can learn how to plummet from buildings at a single bound, as we present Lesson 20 – Discover Gravity The Burkiss Way!
out
(applause)
Good evening. Well, today’s programme is all about the law of gravity, and who better to explain it than Doctor Magnus Pyke? (short pause) Well, we’ve drawn up a list of five thousand names, so let’s now listen to a few of them in this week’s special Burkiss documentary.
Jean-Joseph Mouret – Fanfare-Rondeau, then down for
(over) We present: The Life of Sir Isaac Newton, produced in four hundred and seventy-three parts by the BBC, in association with Time Life Magazines, the Metropolitan Police Vice Squad, David Paradine Lots Of Lovely Mazuma Incorporated, Associated British Lemmings, and of course, Stiffco.
John Barry – The Girl With The Sun In Her Hair
(over) This is the girl with the sun in her hair. She looks natural, feels natural, because she knows the secret: Flyaway hair needs a little extra body.
changes again
(over) Yes, if you’ve got a little extra body, bring it to Stiffco! Stiffco, they’re the one!
fades up again, then eventually changes back to Fanfare-Rondeau
(over) Episode 1 in The Life of Sir Isaac Newton: Before the apple. Introduced from the Royal Leather Books In The Background Society, by Sir Richard Knighthood.
to conclusion and out
Good evening. In sixteen sixty-one, Newton was experimenting with a triangular prism of thick crown glass, and the possibility of transmission of beams of light by refraction. Imagine his exaltation, when, quite by chance, he discovered that if he blacked out the laboratory except for one tiny pinprick in the shutters, he could change into a pair of smooth, sheer, white silk-laced panties, without anyone noticing. And this was just the beginning: Repeating the experiment with the less dense plate glass, Newton put on an exquisite pink suspender belt trimmed with cambric lace and tiny twin garterettes mounted on a saucy gauze peek-a-boo ankle enhancer. This was the breakthrough that threw the classical ‘thick woolly combinations with dinky button-up escape hatches’ theory of Galileo to the winds. Feverishly, Newton slipped into a stunning cutaway fawn trilobal satin camisole, delicately embroidered on the bodice, with long flannel bloomers surmounted by lovely—
We would like to apologise for Sir Richard Knighthood’s somewhat unusual interpretation of the early life Sir Isaac Newton there. In view of this, we have decided to ask Kenneth Clark to complete the introduction.
Good evening.
David Rose – The Stripper
(singing along) After Newton split the spectrum /
into its constituent colours, uuh /
he postulated that the different frequencies of ev’ry colour /
[caught this way ?] to be refracted – hello Tiger /
through a different angle according to /
the speed each ray was travelling at, brrrooh! /
and thus… (continues in background)
And there goes the tweed jacket! And the flannel trousers.
(in background) … [??] reflecting telescope /
to overcome…
And the Airtex combinations, yes. Now he’s not go— he can’t, he can’t possibly— he is—
stops abruptly
Well, while we’re waiting for people to complain about those last two introductions to our documentary on the life of Sir Isaac Newton, let’s move on to the next programme here today on the Home Service, The Brains Trust.
Hello. And welcome to another edition of The Brains Trust. And without further ado, let’s bring on the pickled jars and meet tonight’s brains, who are: The cerebral cortex and frontal lobes of Sir Norman Smoth, head keeper of the Liberal Party’s headquarters. The medulla oblongata and olfactory bulbs of Dane Enoch Elaborate-Sentence-Construction, now completing his second book, and shortly expecting to start reading a third. And finally, we were hoping to have the complete brain of Eddie Waring, (audience reaction) but unfortunately it’s got lost in the layer of dust on top of the table. So, let’s just get straight on now and may we have our first question:
Can I see the VAT inspector, please?
Yes of course, what can I do for you?
Well, I’ve been having a little bit of a teensy-weensy degree of a hell of a lot of bloody trouble with my VAT, you see?
Yes of course, er what can I do for you?
Well, that’s it. I rather wanted you to clear up a couple of points that I’m—
Yes of course, w-what can I do for you?
Pardon?
Yes of course, what can I do for you?
What?
Yes of course, what can I do for you? Yes of course, what can I do for you? Yes of—
gun shot
(short pause)
Very sorry about that, he had been exposed to VAT for rather a long time.
Oh I see.
Anyway, you must be Mr Prondergast, er, come about your tax returns?
Actually, my name is Simms. I wanted to talk to the VAT inspector.
Yes yes, you’ve come to the right place, Mr Prondergast, I am he, my name is Prondergast.
Er sorry, sorry, my name is Simms.
Fine, fine, fine. (short pause) Pardon?
Simms. My name is Simms.
Simms?
Yes, Simms. It’s spelled S I double M S, but pronounced Simms.
Oh dear.
And I wanted to see you about all these VAT forms you keep sending me.
Oh dear.
Look, —
paper rustling
—this is the one I got this morning, look! ‘The VAT on your buttocks is now overdue. Unless you remit to us eight percent of your sit-upon within seven days, we will have no alternative but to send you letters in red ink and finally to instigate proceedings for seizing your bottom.’
Ohhhh deaar!
Then there’s all these others, look, like this one, look!
paper rustling
Here, look at this! According to this, I’ve got to pay VAT on each time I’ve sniffed my armpits between January the 21st and May the 30th. And, unless my armpits are registered as self-billing agencies, I’ve got to stuff reclamation invoices into my shirt sleeves to get the money back! It’s absolutely absurd! And it says at the bottom here, look look, it says ‘You must stay up all night three times a week, write lots of numbers on bits of paper and then send us all your money. Otherwise, our inspectors are empowered to burn your house down, saw your grandmother up into little bits and do nasty things to you with a red-hot poker.’ I mean, I’ve just never heard of anything like it! So you see, it’s really—
—not Prondergast at all, then?
—getting me down… what?!
Your name is not Prondergast at all.
(exasperated) I told you it’s not Prondergast, it’s Simms!! Look, what is all this business about being called Prondergast?!
Now don’t worry, I’m sure we can soon clear this up swiftly and efficiently. Excuse me just one moment.
intercom buzzer
Er Miss Prondergast?
(over intercom) Yes, Mr Hastings?
Er will you give me the forms for change of name by deed poll, please? Er, Simms to Prondergast?
(over intercom) Right away, Mr Hastings.
What are you doing, I don’t want to change my name!! Will you stop all this absurd obsession with people’s names being Prondergast?!
Oh very well, if that’s the way you want it. But I have to tell you that under the Customs and Excise Act of Nineteen Seventy-Four, I am empowered, at this juncture, to talk absurd.
What?
(unintelligible gibberish ending with something like) … Nina McGallsips-Clarker.
Oh, I’ve had enough of this.
So have I.
And so have we. And we’re happy to say that we’re now able to return you to the proper introduction to The Life of Sir Isaac Newton.
Pink Floyd – Sysyphus (Part 1), then down for
(over) Science in the sixteen hundreds. A steamy melting pot of primitive, mystical experiments; strange half-formed ideas of weird grotesque sorcery and something else that nicely finishes off this sentence. In sixteen thirty-five, young Emily Dickinson left her home in Barnsley and went to live. Shorty afterwards, she married a blacksmith, settled down, had five children, then got up again. (audience reaction) Her husband however had a young son Isaac by another marriage, that of Albert and Doris Newton of Budleigh Salterton. And when he was old enough to read lines, young Isaac Newton would come home from school to his dear old northern parents.
out
street atmosphere with horse carriages passing
door handle, door closing, street atmosphere stops
’ere, look, ’tis our young’t son, doctor Newton back from t’school. ’ere now then, young’t doctor, how did it t’get at t’school t’day?
Aye, did he b’learn anything g’interesting?
Well, it was the same as usual, really. I can’t understand it. You know, I’m the only boy there under forty-five.
Well, m’lad, that’s taking the p’mickey. Only g’boy there under k’forty-five?
Yes. You see the school’s always full of these young lady teachers, with no clothes on.
No b’clothes on?
Yes. They just keep lying about on top of things.
What p’sort of things, young f’doctor?
Well, men and that. And the only thing they ever teach you is something called ‘Want a nice time, dearie?’ It’s ever such a funny school. And anyway, this morning, one of the young lady teachers with no clothes on took me into her room and we had this ever so strange private tutorial.
Yeahh. And k’what did thou learn from g’that?
Well, I’m not sure, but she says I can go up into the seniors next week.
’ere, it g’sounds like a re’p funny sort of school that, our wife?
Aye. (audience reaction) Aye. Are you sure you been going to k’right building, young f’doctor? 25 Brothel Street?
telephone ringing, handset being picked up
Yes? Oh. Yes, right.
phone handset being replaced on cradle
Well er, we’re sorry about the rather sustained smut-orientated feel of this documentary on Sir Isaac Newton, but we’re hoping to put this right now, as we’ve just heard that the Metropolitan Police Vice Squad have now withdrawn as co-sponsors, as they are too busy doing something else – erm, nineteen years apiece in fact. And their place has been taken by the Malcom Muggeridge Appreciation Simpletons, so, at last we can expect a realistic version of this most fascinating story about how Newton discovered gravity.
Pink Floyd – Sysyphus (Part 1), then down for
(over) Diary of Sir Isaac Newton.
fades out
countryside atmosphere with birds chirping
January the 1st. Went out, sateth beneath a pear tree. A pear falleth on my head. Discovereth not the law of gravity today, came home. (audience reaction) January the 2nd. Went out, sateth beneath a banana tree. A banana falleth on my head. Discovereth not the law of gravity today, came home. January the thrid. Went out, sateth beneath a brass monkey.
atmosphere stops
Erm… (audience reaction) I er, I think it may be some time before we actually get to the bit where Newton discovers gravity, so, in the meantime here is a—
vibraphone glissando, then Theme From A Summer Place
There will now be a short intermission.
John Addison – Derring-Do!, then down for
(over) Yes, the Carry On gang are back! In another wild and wacky spoof, they’ll have you splitting your sides, bursting your lungs, slashing your wrists, in fact, doing anything rather than watch their new film. Ha-hand what a knee slapper it is, as Peter Rogers and Sophocles get together to present their latest bustblocker, ‘Carry On Oedipus Rex’! Once again, it’s a laugh a mi-nute with Kenneth Nostrils as Oedipus’s father, Mr Rex.
door handle
Oedipus, what on earth you think you’re doing, you go blind!
(audience reaction)
Ye-hes, laugh as never before, again or during, when you see Miss Barbara Fall-out-at-any-moment as Oedipus’s mother, Mrs Rex.
Well, young Oedipus, I’ve just been to see the doctor and I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Really, mother? What’s the good news?
You’re gonna have a little bwother.
And the bad news?
You’re gonna have a son.
Okay.
(audience reaction)
fades up again momentarily
(over) Ye-hehes, from the people who brought you Walt Disney’s ‘I, Claudius’:
Tchaikovsky – Fantasy Overture from Romeo and Juliet, then down for
(over) Your Majesty, it’s Augustus, Germanicus, [Julia ?], Marcellus, [Possimus ?], Livia, Caligula, Tiberius, Agrippina, Gaius and Lucius. They’re all…
Yes?
They’re all gonna be alright!
Derring-Do! resumes
(over) Ye-hes! Carry On Oedipus Rex, the sensation that’s breaking all records at the box office, but not doing too well in cinemas, coming soon to this intermission!
to finish and out, followed by vibraphone glissando
… of gravity today, came home. October the 24th. Went out, sateth beneath a water melon tree. A water melon falleth on my head. Discovereth not the law of gravity today, came home. October the 25th. Went out, sized up the seventeenth and sateth beneath a pomegranate tree with a dogleg to the left and just two or three stretches of rough between tee off and the green. A pomegranate falleth on my head, but endest up bunkered, and short of chipping it over in one stroke I had lost mine chance of a birdie three to discover the law of gravity. Came home.
Well, we should point out here that the Malcom Muggeridge Appreciation Simpletons have now pulled out of the documentary and their share of the sponsorship has been taken over by a well-known firm who make golf equipment and specialise in rubber manufacture. And whose name we’re not allowed to mention for reasons of advertising, although we can tell you it has six letters and begins with ‘D’. (audience reaction) And rhymes with ‘Sprunlop’. (audience reaction) So, as we leave Newton for a moment struggling to pull off his law of gravity, let’s just see what’s happening over on the thirteenth green, where a television company is about to start a special board meeting for an eagle two.
countryside atmosphere stops
intercom buzzer
(over intercom) Your managing director of television production is calling, Lord Russian Emigré.
What?!
(over intercom) I said ‘Your managing director of tele—’
I heard what you said! What sort of a set-up you call that? You call that an introduction? I want it bigger! Remember: This is a Lord Russian Emigré production!
(over intercom) Er, yes, Sir.
monumental-sounding music, possibly Jerry Goldsmith – The Sun
(over) And behold:
thunderbolt
(over) Through the microcosmic gravitations of myriad particles of molecular matter, pulsating through the glimmering galaxies stretching outwards from infinity, come the words of he who seeks from afar the end of a quest for information, thirsting for the omniscient knowledge that only his all-wise master can provide.
thunderbolt
out
Tell him I’m out.
Yes, Sir.
(audience reaction)
And send in my two executive Yes Men, will you?
Yes, Lord Russian Emigré.
door handle
Oh come in, come in boys, pull up a gentile. Look, (audience reaction) everything going alright?
Yed.
What? I said ‘Everything going alright?’
Youse.
Youse? Yed? Wha-wha-wha-what..what is all this?
I’m sorry Sir, he’s only a trainee Yes Man. He hasn’t quite got the hang of it yet.
Look, never mind about all that, look. I’ve got this great idea for a new series.
Yes kidding!
Oh shut up, listen. Listen. There’s this man, see, born in a stable. A stable, got that? Big star overhead, nice choirs, shepherds and things. Then, these three kings turn up bringing him beautiful gifts – at cost, naturally. Now then… (audience reaction) when he grows up, he has these twelve followers, and he becomes ever so popular, until one day, at the height of it all… he gets run over by a steamroller. What do you think?
Great!
Exactly. It came to me in the bath last night. Now look, that’s not all. I’m getting William Shakespeare in to write the script.
(pause, audience reaction)
But, but but Sir, isn’t he dead?
Money is no object. Then, for the title role, I see – Elizabeth Taylor.
Great!
Yeg.
(audience reaction)
But surely you said the hero was a man.
That’s right. I got a brother Hymie does great alterations. Noo [shmatamine ??], now. The biggest thing yet – I’ve decided to fly to Hollywood tomorrow and get Marlon Brando, as the stable!
Great!
(audience reaction)
Er er the stable, Sir? But, but the stable is just big inanimate mass of stone, standing in a field.
Yes, you’re right, perhaps the standing in the field bit might be too difficult for him, yes yes… Yes, I knew it all along, —
—I should have got someone without sin to cast the first stone.
canned laughter
Lucky I used a stand in for that joke. Look… anyway boys, this is the best bit: Guess who I got for the Three Kings?
Who?
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers! (pause, audience reaction) What’s the matter, you don’t think they’re big enough?
Ah, oh oh, well, i-i-it’s not that, Sir, it’s just that they seem a bit… w-well unsuitable.
Unsuitable?! What you mean, ‘unsuitable’?
I.. think.. what.. Thrimpson means, Sir, is that Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers are numerically well, two, whereas the Three Kings are numerically (getting quieter) one, two (back to normal) three! Sir.
What do you mean, ‘numerically two’?!
Well, there’s only two of them, Sir.
Oh, I see. You mean after tax.
Er n-no, Sir. (audience reaction) Since th-th..th-th-they’re only two to start with.
Oh! Oh well, no trouble, look I change the casting, they can be the four shepherds instead.
(audience reaction)
countryside atmosphere resumes
Well, we’re very sorry to break off this interesting golf tournament, but we must rush you straight back now to the life of Sir Isaac Newton, because the big moment is just coming up.
December the 14th. Went out, sateth beneath an apple tree.
(gasping)
A grapefruit falleth on my head. (audience reaction) Discovereth I was sitting too close to a grapefruit tree. Discovereth not the law of gravity today, came home.
(excited muttering)
(off) I think this could be it.
December the 15th. Sateth beneath an apple tree; which bordereth not upon any grapefruit trees or fruit trees of any other denomination excepteth that of the apple variety. (gravely) An apple falleth on my head.
(cheering)
Here he comes, here he comes.
Discovereth the law of gravity. (back to normal) Came home. (audience reaction) December the 16th. Went out, sateth beneath a loganberry tree. A loganberry falleth on my head. Discovereth not the law of gravity today, came home.
countryside atmosphere stops
Burkiss Way closing signature tune
(over) December the 17th. (fades out) Went out, sateth beneath a…
down for
(over) Well, that ends this week’s amazing course in Newtonian physics. You’ve been listening to a special live outside broadcast from the Throat and Funnel public house in Croydon, where Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris just succeeded in combining Newton’s Principle with the Piston Principle, but they’re hoping to recover in time for next week. Gravitate towards the scripts of Andrew Marshall and David Renwick, as used regularly by producer John Lloyd of Europe. See you next week folks and happy dynamic living!
to finish & out
(applause)
O ho ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho,
ho ho ho ho ho,
a ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha,
ha ha ha ha ha ha.
a few more bars of The Laughing Policeman
(shouting above the last few notes) Vell! Zat’s enough of that rubbish! Und the next card comes from, Mr Norman No-Shock-Resistance, of Bishops Strotford[2]! Who has requested zat this programme gets off the air immediately! (pause, audience reaction, another pause) Vell!! I am afraid the BBC Record Library couldn’t manage that! So inshtead, I am going to blow myself up! Haaa haaa!
multiple explosions
(over) Yeee heee! Ahh heee! A hee hee hee! Yahhh!
Children’s Favourites theme (Puffin’ Billy)
(over) Goodbye children, everyvhere! Ahhh haaaa!
(over) David Irving is now appearing rather silly.
fades out
Good heavens, do you realise that there was no reference at all to Eric Pode of Croydon, darling?
Pardon, darling?
End