clock ticking
I used to suffer with a lithp. Soon, it started embarraffing me fo much, it made me thick! But now, my problemf are over, and I don’t have to worry about listening to me lithp anymore. And I owe it all to the Burkiff Way for Cutting Peoples’ Ears Off. PS: I’m now serving a six year prison fentence for GBH, thanks to the Burkiss Way.
People used to kick sand in my face. In Chiswick of course, there is not a lot o’ sand about. So people used to carry buckets of it around, on the off chance of running into me. Then, someone introduced me to, the Burkiss Way! The Burkiss Way taught me how to prove to the world that I am a man! (slight pause, audience reaction) Unfortunately, I was arrested and er… I am now serving twenty-eight months imprisonment, plus VAT.
(nasty coughing) Hhhhhhgg… I used to be extremely poor. Hhhhg. Then, one day, the Burkiss Way showed me how to make millions of pounds. Unfortunately the police found the equipment and did me for forgery. Hhhhhhh… I am now in prison serving a life sentence. Or two weeks, whichever is longer. (coughs again) Hhhhhhgg…
Life imprisonment for forgery, twenty-eight months for vulgarity, six years for GBH, what does it mean, what do I mean, who are these people, who am I, why is the grass green, why is the sun red, why is the Daily Express thrown away? Why is it when I hit this old lady on the head…
‘Pock’
Aaaahh!!
… she goes ‘Aaaah!’? Why does my mouth keep opening and closing without even pausing for breath, who do I think I am? Well, I think I am James Burkiss; BBC scientist and resident First Landings On The Moon correspondent. And for the next twenty-five minutes, I’d like you to join me, if you would, along with my colleagues Denise Coffey, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris for another edition of the Burkiss Special.
opening signature tune (not the usual one)
(strange voice) G’ev’ning, yedisayngeuanm? (normal voice) Now, before we go any further, did anybody notice anything odd about the way I said that? Gentleman in the front row.
(same strange kind of voice as James Burkiss before) Beg y’pard’nn?
Never mind, Sir, skip that. Okay, okay. Normality and abnormality, I’d like to just try a quick experiment. Put up a finger if you consider yourself personally to be normal. (slight pause) Er, yes… yes, I see. Okay. Man at the back dressed as Margaret Thatcher? Oh, no, it is Margaret Thatcher, I’m sorry, yeah, yeah. Now the one with the glasses. Yes, Sir, er you consider yourself normal, do you?
Er, er noo?
Well, why did you put your finger up then?
Oh, just gotta pick me nose.
Er, okay, okay, okay, well, we’ll be looking into that later. Okay. Oh okay, okay okay. Er, so, who is normal and who is abnormal? Who can say? Well of course I can say, because this is my show. Er, one last look at another nutter before we move on. Erm, er, er this gentleman here on the front row. Er er, I must ask, can we, can we have the lights down low, please, because for obvious reasons he doesn’t want to be recognised, and we shall just have to refer to him simply as Mr Arthur Hicks of 157 Mountain Gardens, Pinner NW5 6RJ, telephone 01 154 29 59. Er, er yes now, Mr Hicks, if I can come a little closer to you, er you have an unusual and rather embarrassing habit, I believe, er in that you snore while you’re awake.
Chrrrrr, ye.. yes, that is er, that is, Chrrmpf, that is so, yes. Ahem. Chrrrrrr…
Right, yes, okay. Great, great, okay, okay. Now, can you tell me, when, when did this first start?
Er, well er, it all came about because I used to erm, Chrrrrrrr, er, very heavily when—
Yeah, yeah.
—I was asleep, you see. Chrrr…
I see that, yeah.
…rrr, er. Only it got so bad that the lady across the road started complaining about it. Chrrr…
Yeah, okay, I see er. So, so what did you do?
Well, I just had to start sleeping with the wife again, er…
Yeah, okay, great, yeah. Great, okay. Yeah, great, super. Now, nutters, loonies, screwballs, candidates for the giggle factory. All the people I’ve spoken to so far tonight have one thing in common: They’re all serving life sentences for mass murder. (slight pause) Yeah. And that’s what tonight’s programme is all about, Ladies and Gentlemen, prison. Prison and prison sentences.
The cat sat on the prison.
That’s an example of an ordinary prison sentence. Right? Okay.
The cat sat on the (half-chocked) ouargh, my neck, ouahh!
And now, now that was an example of a suspended sentence. Okay, okay. Now, now, okay, thanks, thanks a lot, yeah yeah. Tonight, with a little help from the studio audience, I want to demonstrate to you, The Burkiss Way To Escape From Prison. Okay, okay, great. Well. Before you can escape from prison, of course, you’ve got to get in there first. Yeah, and now that means getting arrested. And before you can get arrested, you’ve got to do something wrong, like our man at the beginning of the programme, who appeared in court, accused of one hundred and forty-four indecent exposures and was charged with gross indecency. Nya. He, he.. he was found, he was eventually found guilty of a one hundred and forty-five cases, and told next time to show a bit more respect to the judge. Okay? Right. So, er, yeah, right, okay, okay, right. So, let’s go over now for a word from er, Olga Boot, who’s our resident criminologist. Olga?
Thank you, James. Ahem, well now, other ways of getting yourself put in prison are fraud and grievous bodily harm. This happens when you con someone into paying you to beat him up, yes?
Okay, great.
Whatever your line of felony, the Burkiss Way will be able to help.
door bell
Do your face muscles feel tired and lifeless? Do your cheeks sag and your eyes droop? Then try Burkiss Elasticated Stockings. Burglars all over the country have found our stockings give their faces the support and comfort they really need. Write now, stating colour preference from dried-blood-brown, cosh-grey or bruise-black, to Burkiss Improper Supplies Limited, Stepney. Knock twice on the envelope and ask for Scarface.
door bell
Okay, right, okay, fine, I’m back again. Okay, right, well, let’s assume now that you’re in prison. Okay, right, that’s the first hurdle over. Now, a slightly more tricky operation, how do you get out? Well, well well. The best way is just to wait until the time is absolutely right. If you’ve been put in for twenty years, say… we..er.. twenty years would be a good time to wait. Then, all you have to do is, er when the warder comes in to let you out, hit him over the head with a chair and escape down a rope made of knotted sheets.
Waiting for twenty years can of course prove a little boring. So, while you’re in there, it’s as well to take up little hobbies, like sport, listening to the radio, sport, sport, sport, listening to the radio, and sport. And of course, listening to sport on the radio.
Funeral March by Chopin, then down for
Good evening, and what an amazing year for British sport, a truly incredible year. But enough of nineteen thirty-two, what about this year?
fades out completely
Well, let’s just refresh our memories about some of those great British olympic achievements.
athlete breathing heavily and then groaning as he jumps off
rising tone
‘clunk’
Oh, and he’s missed it by eight inches, a mere eight inches. What a great disappointment there for diver Keith Clunk. He almost made it into the swimming pool that time.
Well, so much for past successes; what are our hopes for the next Olympics? Team captain Beatrice Failure.
Hello there, Frank.
Er Failure, er Beatrice, er ha, I understand that you’ve made rather a breakthrough.
Yes Frank, er we have discovered rather a major new approach.
Well Beatrice, in, in what way?
Well Frank, just look at these incredible times clocked up for the thousand metres. After only three weeks training, one minute four seconds, one minute one second, fifty-nine seconds!
That’s amazing! An..and, where is the athlete who achieved this?
Athlete? What athlete?
Er er, that produced those times.
Who said anything about athletes, Frank? Those times were produced by one of the finest young stopwatches I’ve ever trained.
Er, stopwatches?!
Well, it’s obvious, Frank, isn’t it? We’ve been wasting our time training people, when we can get times like this from stopwatches!
Absolutely—
[Incredible?]!
—incredible! Well, let’s just go over now to Crystal Palace to see how this new system is working. Your commentator: Ron Pickernose.
outside athletic grounds atmosphere
Hello, and as you join us, they’re just lining up for the four hundred metres relay event.
stopwatches ticking
In lane one is a stopwatch there, in lane two a stopwatch, er lane three wearing number forty-seven is a stopwatch. There’s no one in lane four, er lane five is the favourite for this event, a stopwatch. And in lane six, it’s Brendan Foster – oh no, sorry, I beg your pardon, it’s a stopwatch. Right, and they’re on their marks…
gun shot
clicking, as each stopwatch is stopped in turn
And I think it was a stopwatch, yes it certainly looked from here as if it was a stopwatch, but we’ll have to wait for that result to be officially confirmed. So in the meantime, let’s go over to David Elmond for the field events.
Thank you Ron, and the news here is that in the high jump our team originally had trouble clearing the bar. But that’s all been sorted out now and it’s been allowed to compete. And already this amazing plucky British bar has achieved a height of two point six metres. Our athletes just couldn’t get over it. Well, now, …
sound of running feet approaching
… now we’re all set for the long jump, and there goes the judge!
tape measure being unwound
Just look at that tape measure go! It’s really pulling away from the spool now, absolutely leaping forwards down that sand pit. This.. this wiry little tape measure from Bromley, and it seems to be well over twenty-four feet, yes, twenty-four point five feet!
Thank you David, and they’re just about to start the final presentation ceremony now.
God Save the Queen
(over) And in the first place it’s, yes, as expected, once again in top position it’s the gold medal! In second place, it’s the silver medal and oh dear, what a great disappointment for that plucky little bronze, pipped into third place once again. Well, we can just never understand why, and with that, we’ll return you to the studio.
out
(applause)
Okay, okay, okay, great. Well, twenty years in jail, what does it do to a man? Let’s take a completely normal person from the audience, yes yes, you Sir!
Er me, yes? Me, Mr Burkiss?
Er that’s it, er yes. You with the, the string knotted around your waist.
Er, my underpants are being washed, Sir.
Yes, fine. Fine fine, okay. Right now, would you like to step inside this mockup of Wormwood Scrubs prison?
Er, do I have to Mr Burkiss?
Get in there,—
If I got to…
—you stupid little git, yes that’s right. Over there, Sir. Okay, now we just lock the door up…
door slamming shut and then being locked
Right. Now, this is a little experiment, I hope it works. Now, what’s happening in there is that the man’s brain has just received a message saying ‘Hey, I’ve just been locked up in a mockup of Wormwood Scrubs prison.’ And this message is relayed to all the areas of his brain, across the entire two cubic inches. And in particular to this area here, the fruitcake lobe. Now, the fruitcake lobe contains lots of little cells like crumbs of fruitcake, and when they’re activated, they go all over the body shouting ‘Hey, look at me, I’m nutty as a fruitcake!’. Until, until, okay okay, great. Until eventually the man ends up believing he is something totally absurd, like the Centre Court at Wimbledon. Er, let’s take a look and see…
door being unlocked and opened
(off) Er hello, Sir, are you there?
tennis court atmosphere with play in progress, then spectators applauding
Thirty – fifteen.
There you are, what did I tell you? Give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen, for being such a great sport.
(applause)
Okay, great. Great, great, absolutely, okay, well now I’d like to try another little experiment with er, another member of the audience. Er you, Sir.
(unintelligible)
Would you come out here and throw this switch?
Oh, ye.. yes, certainly.
rising tone, switch being flicked
Theme from A Summer Place, then down for
Er, yeah, well that’s fine, now, now read out the words on the card.
fades out completely
Er, right. Erm (reading rather slowly, like someone with analphabetic tendencies) BBC idiot board – not these words you fool, the ones on the other side! (realises his mistake) Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
Er, er. (reading again) There will now be a short intermission.
up again
door bell
out
Here is a public service announcement on behalf of burglars. (sniff) Er before you came out tonight, er did you make sure your window catches were all left open? Did you remember to check that the key was still left in the door? Above all, did you double-check that your car wasn’t locked, and a sack of valuable silverware was left on the back seat? To be doubly certain of robbery, why not install one of our new ‘Burkiss Theft Devices’?
The Burkiss Burglar Alarm. As soon as you leave the house empty, you trip a wire which rings a bell at the house of your local burglar. Within seconds, he can be on the spot, pilfering all your goods.
The Burkiss Muggers’ Safety Case ensures complete safety for all muggers. (sniff) A neon sign on the side lights up saying ‘I am carrying an extremely large amount of money’. And when the mugger pounces, a pair of manacles traps both your hands, making self-defence impossible.
Yes er, why not arrange for one of our representatives to call round now? Er remember, if it’s inconvenient, he can always call back when you’re not in.
door bell
Hello, er yes and okay, and welcome back to part two of the Burkiss special; well the next thing I want to talk to you about is (unintelligible) …
crackling noises, as if the transmission is breaking down
Oh er well, we’re very sorry, but we appear to be having some technical difficulty with this programme. The vision seems to have gone completely. In the meantime, this radio show will continue in sound only.
Okay, right, glad to have you back, now I want to ahhh—
several crashing and clattering noises
Ow!!
Uh!! What is happening?
I I I I I I can’t see anything, the vision’s gone.
Oh well, we just have to muddle through somehow—
Er right.
—in true British fashion.
Right, now hang on, who, who said that?
I couldn’t see, it was too dark.
Oh okay, okay. Great, well er, while we’re waiting for the vision to er return, folks, remember that while you’re in prison, you can occupy your mind with anything from gardening to er watching television and, and back again. You can even watch shows like this:
applause
Thank you friends, thank you friends, and welcome back to part two of Scraping the Barrel, the talent show… (audience reaction) the talent show that provides you with the very best in variety, and of course, me as well. Well, right now it’s make-your-mind-up-time, and I mean that most er… erm…
(whispered) Sincerely.
Oh, sincerely friends, sincerely. So let’s just refresh our memories about the very varied and interesting line-up we had tonight. First was of course last week’s winner, the Whopping Foghorns, who sounded like this:
foghorns playing two quick notes, followed by a longer bass note (da-diii duuuuuuuu)
Then from the Tyne-Tees area we had a very funny double act, who gave us all a chuckle, Fog and Horn:
foghorns same as above, then an even deeper bass note
(audience cheering)
Thank you very much there for Fog and Horn. Friends, we try to bring you the utmost in variety on this show and tonight was no exception. From the Grampian area up there in bonny Scotland, average age just seven years, we met the White Heather Foghorns.
Scottish folk tune, accompanied by short foghorn notes
And finally friends, we had an act that was just so unusual to this programme, it rocked the entire studio. Mister Eric Fat of Norwich, who is not a foghorn. How about that? And this was what he did for us tonight:
foghorn
So there we are, a brilliant impressionist, ladies and gentlemen, Eric Fat of Norwich. If you can’t spell Fat, just put ‘Foghorn’ and we’ll know exactly who you mean. Alright now, we’re running a little bit…
TV set being switched off
Okay, okay. Right now, while you’re waiting twenty years for your prison sentence to elapse, you may be thinking ‘Isn’t there an easier way of getting out of here?’
Well, one simple method is of course to diet down and slip effortlessly under the door of your cell.
door bell
Yes, you can be slimmer! It really works! Our revolutionary new appliance can take four inches off your waist and hips instantly! Send your cheques now to the Burkiss Slimming Aids and Bacon Slicer Company, Stepney.
door bell
Er, oh yeah, great, okay. A more effective way of escaping is shown in this week’s Burkiss Way in Action. Ladies and Gentlemen, we present an escapist drama, The Count of Monte Cristo.
[??], then down for
pen scribbling in the background
Diary of Edmond Dantès. June the First, Eighteen Fifteen. Check oil and sparkplugs.
out
Our leader Napoleon Bonaparte has been sent to exile, but our resistance movement fights on.
pages being turned, then further scribbling
June the Twelfth. Adjust tappets. The governments have warned that all collaborators will pay dearly if they’re found out.
pages being turned, then further scribbling
July, Sixth. Replace oil filter element and recap distributor point. NB: Beginning to think this AA diary was a waste of money without a car. July, Seventh.
wooden ship creaking
Accepted a commission for captain on a trading ship.
further creaking, waves in the background
We were three days out of port when something terrible happened.
creaking
We ran out of whisky as well. I put the men on ration, but there was scarcely any substitute. Then…
ship atmosphere stops
Well, we’re happy to tell you that we’re now able to resume the picture on this radio show. We apologise if it’s spoiled your enjoyment of the programme.
ship atmosphere resumes
During the voyage I noticed that my first mate was growing a bitter man. He watered him every day and waited for him to bloom, but why? Was he jealous of my position? Had I offended his pride somehow, or was it because I ordered him to be flogged, keel-hauled, beaten and hung from the yardarm for (getting worked up) not using his fish-knife at dinner? (calmly again) Unbeknown to me, he had set a trap for me as we docked at Marseille.
seaside atmosphere with seagulls
Eh, Mr Dantès?
Yes?
I must arrest you for being in ca’uts with Bonaparte.
Prove it!
Very well. We found these in your cabin. Your membership card for the Marseille and District ’igh Treason Society, and this post card from the Isle of Elba, saying ‘ ’aving a terrible time. Wish you’d get on with the massaceur. Love, Nappy.’
seaside atmosphere stops, pen scribbling resumes
And so I was dragged off to prison by the gendarmes.
further scribbling
I was incarcerated in the Château d’If. And as the years passed, I grew older. (so does his voice, ever so slightly) In fact, there are days now when I fear I am going mad! I mentioned this to the table yesterday, but it did assure me I was fine.
Oh, you’re fine.
water dripping
Good, good.
scraping noises in the background, which slowly intensify
At first I used to go out of my mind every day, but now I’m older, I don’t go out nearly so much. (pause) Hang on! What is that scraping noise?
wall partly crumbling and coming down
I… I.. don’t believe it! Another prisoner? Do you realise Sir, that I’ve been in this prison for twenty years and you’re the first man I’ve seen?
Really, mamselle?
Yes! But who are you?
I am Sister Angela of Monte Cristo Abbey. I was imprisoned after the Bonapartists swept through the buildings, ravaging all except moi.
Er, why not… toi?
Well, I didn’t fancy any of them. Then, when I wouldn’t tell them the whereabouts of the treasure of Monte Cristo, they imprisoned me ’ere. ’elp me escape and ’alf the gold is yours.
What shall I do?
Well, if you saw the legs off your bed, we could build a shovel.
Very well!
sawing noises, pieces of wood falling on the floor
Ah, bravo!
Argh!
sawing noises, pieces of wood falling on the floor
Deux!
Arghh!
sawing noises, pieces of wood falling on the floor
Umph!
Trois!
sawing noises, pieces of wood falling on the floor
Aach!
Err?
sawing noises, pieces of wood falling on the floor
Arghh!
Er, just un moment, un moment, monsieur. I thought the bed only ’ad four legs?
Yes, it did. I— ahhhhhhh!!! (he collapses on the floor)
‘thud’
Oh. (audience reaction) Bon appetit! Now we will have to use the wood to make a wooden leg! Oh never mind, I ’ave a better idea. Two weeks ago, I sent off for a copy of ‘Escape from Prison the Burkiss Way’. It should be ’here any moment.
door bell
That must be it now.
cell door being unlocked
Who, who is it?
Ohh, c’est moi, it is me, the warder.
Alright, I’ll undo the burglar chain then.
burglar chain being undone
Coming.
door handle
’ere is a parcel for you.
Thank you, thank you.
door being closed and locked again
Ah, at last, at last! This is it! Come on, come on, open the box.
paper rustling
Ehh!!
Yes, okay, okay, right great, let’s see how to Escape From Prison The Burkiss Way, I want two volunteers from the audience; yes, you two, er yes er.
Eh what, er us?
You, you two, yes.
What er, what, us?
You mean me, us, oui?
Yes. Er, right now just follow the simple instructions; one, save old bones from your food for sixteen years.
Sixteen years?
Sixteen years, until you have enough to make a heavy club.
vibraphone illustrating the passing of time
(even older voice, rather Eric Pode-like) Ohh, sixteen years later. Right, then.
(sounding older as well) Yesch, we’ve done that.
Yes.
Okay, great great. So, see what a waste of time it was? Okay, now use, use what materials you have available to make an axe.
Right right, here we go.
Er, well er.
woodworking noises, including a sawing machine
Ahh! Ohh! Ahh! Ah! etc.
Ahh! There we are, we’ve done it at last, at last! This is the moment we ’ave been waiting for! (slightly crazily) What do we do next?!
Now, now well okay, now you use the axe to chop down the door and escape. You see, it just shows how easy it is to Escape From Prison The Burkiss Way! Well, we’ll be back again—
Excuse me, alors—
—same time next week with another edition…
—er, mons.. monsieur, monsieur, excuse me, just un moment.
… er, what?
We can’t use the axe to chop down the door and escape.
Er, why why not?
We used the door to make the axe with.
Er, so so you mean we’re, we’re really trapped here a.. aaa..aa.. and we can’t get out?
Yes!
Okay okay. Great, right, fine, okay. No worry, yes well, er you two again, er stand here and read what it says on this card.
(pause)
(together) Heeelp!!!
Burkiss Way closing signature tune
Are you subject to depression like this? Do you get tired, listless and have no energy whatever? Then why not stop writing off every week for Professor Burkiss’s amazing correspondence courses. Send no letter now to Denise Coffey, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris, care of Burkiss Bricked-Up Letterboxes Limited, Stepney. In future, why not let scriptwriters Andrew Marshall, John Mason and David Renwick do the work for you in the comfort of your own home? All you need is the producer to employ them, so why not send off today for your very own copy of Simon Brett of Stepney? See you next week, and happy dynamic living!
End