Announcer (Chris): This is the BBC Home Service. Music: a few bars of the ITN News Tune (Non Stop by John Malcom), then down for Voice-over (Nigel): (over) And now, from Norwich, we invite you to 'Go To The Lavatory'. F/X: applause Voice-over: (over) And among the celebrities tonight on 'Go To The Lavatory' are Pope Isobel Barnett ... F/X: applause Voice-over: ... transvestite in bracket. F/X: applause Voice-over: The right half of Diana Dors. F/X: applause Voice-over: The wrong half of Diana Dors. F/X: applause Voice-over: And finally, the man who likes watching Melvyn Bragg. F/X: applause Voice-over: Nice to have you on the show, Melvyn. (audience reaction) Voice-over: And now, here is your host for the evening, the raining Nicholas Parsons, a lump of wet putty from Stoke-on-Trent. (audience reaction) Showmaster (Fred): Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And straight away, can we have our first person tonight please, who wants to 'Go To The Lavatory'! Music: fanfare and applause, turning into and finishing with a harp glissando Showmaster: Good evening. Now, your name is Ron Doris of Biggin Hill. Ha, you're out of work because you can't keep your job down, you're on a strict diet because you can't keep your food down, and I understand you have *sixteen* children? (audience reaction) Ron Doris (Chris): That's, that's correct yes. Yes yes. Showmaster: Right, we-ell, well let's get straight on with the show, Ron. You know the rules, don't you? Ron Doris: Yes, yes yes. Showmaster: Very well. Ron Doris, Ron Doris of Biggin Hill, will you now please *Go To The Lavatory*! Music: fanfare F/X: foot steps, then door handle and door closing again (pause, audience reaction) Music: ITN News Tune (Non Stop by John Malcom), then down for Voice-over: (over) Well, Going To The Lavatory next week will be the Syd Lawrence Orchestra, and Emu. Joseph Cooper playing the dummy Robin Ray, and one of the ten obscure journalists who write the preview page in Radio Times while the other nine take it in turns to read it. So why not join us again then when who knows, it might be your turn to 'Go To The Lavatory'. Music: out, concluding fanfare (applause) Female Announcer (Jo): Mr Denis Healey, an apology. Announcer: In a recent sketch on the Burkiss Way, we inadvertantly stated that Mr Denis Healey was in fact an overweight yak, whose brain was punctured when he backed into a cactus plant. We have been asked to point out that this is *not* the case and we sincerely apologise for this unfortunate comparison, *and* for any embarrassment it may have caused the yak community of Tibet. Now, PM Reports. Music: [The PM Reports theme?] Presenter (Fred?): Hello, and welcome to PM Reports. Well, with me in the studio today I have er, on my right Austin Thrimpson, who works on the Daily Express, and in his spare time cries a lot, [??] Arthur Hackinbottom, known to millions as Jean Rook, and Harold Flark, South-East Australasian quantum mechanics affairs correspondent on the Sunday Times Mephisto Crossword. On my left are Eric Heffer, leader of the militantly er left-wing tweed jacket group, er next to him the leader of the Monday Club, and his nurse (brief pause, audience reaction), and finally, the Leader of the Opposition, the Right Honourable Prime Minister. (audience reaction) Now gentlemen, gentlemen, the question I want to put to you all tonight seems currently to strike at the fundamental core of social order and democracy in this country. And broadly speaking it's this: (singing) Was it Bill or was it Ben, fell into the pond just then? Which of those two flower pot men – was it Bill, or was it Ben? (normal) Er Arthur Hackinbottom, would you like to come in on that one? Jean Rook (Jo): Erm look, I-I'm, I'm sorry, I-I think there's something wrong here-- Presenter: Er nonsense, er what do you say, Mr Heffer? F/X: cow mooh-ing emphatically Jean Rook: It's, it's just that... (audience reaction) there's a comedy leak in this studio. F/X: hissing noise, continues fading up and down in background Presenter: A comedey leak? Jean Rook: Yes, can't you smell it? Producer (Chris?): Oh don't be ridiculous, we can't have a leak in this studio. Jean Rook: Well why not? Producer: Well think of the carpet. (audience reaction) Presenter: Good god, you're right. There it was again. Producer: What? Presenter: I just heard a deadly gag escaping into the room. What should we do? Jean Rook: We must call for help. What we need is a skilled expert, someone who can render jokes totally inert. Producer: We'd never get Bernard Manning at this time of night. (audience reaction) Presenter: Huh. Producer: Did you hear that? It's getting worse. I'll ring up the BBC maintenance department. F/X: phone handset lifted off cradle, dialling, ringback tone F/X: clattering noises, then some electronic warbling sounds on top, faintly resembling some sort of ethereal pinball machine Producer: Is that the BBC maintenance department? Maintenance Man (Nigel): That's us, pal. Producer: I want you to come round here immediately. Maintenance Man: Oh, can't do that, pal. We've got a rush job on, pal. One of the England cricket team's bats. (audience reaction) Come to think of it, the rest of 'em aren't too bright, either. Producer: Now look, look, you've got to come straight away. Maintenance Man: Oh sorry, pal. I'm out of the country at the moment. Producer: There's a cup of tea in it for you. F/X: door handle Maintenance Man: (no longer sounding as if on the phone) What's your trouble then, pal? Producer: We think there's some sort of comedy leak in here, listen. F/X: hissing noise starts again Music: Burkiss Way opening signature tune fades up Burkiss Way Announcer (Nigel): (over) A ha ha ha. Do you have trouble with leaking jokes, do you long for a gag which doesn't slip out in conversation, well if you find one, address it now to Frank Carson's mouth, care of Jo Kendall, Chris Emmett, Nigel Rees and Fred Harris at the Burkiss Way, Stepney. Then by return of post, you'll have your post returned, plus free details of Lesson 21 in our amazing series of correspondence courses, Get Cut Off the Burk-- Music: out F/X: hissing noise stops, repeated noises of joint being tightened Jean Rook: Well, what's happend? Maintenance Man: Oh, you've got a faulty Burkiss Way, pal. You had a humorous wireless programme leaking out and flooding the place with whimsical quips and spoofs of a satirical nature. I've just cut you off. Producer: Well, what do we put out on the air while we're waiting for you to fix this leak? Maintenance Man: Well, let's see what I've got. F/X: clattering noises Maintenance Man: Oh yes, how about this? F/X: vibraphone glissandos, like the kind leading into a dream sequence or something like that Narrator (Fred): (over) Once upon a time, long long ago ago, ... Music: Oriental-type music starts in the background Narrator: ... (over) in a land so distant distant, that you couldn't see it until it was in view view, lived a wicked caliph. Each morning at sunrise, he chose a beautiful maiden, had her bathed in pure [??] milk, cleansed in freshly gathered dew from the mountain pastures and sweetened with herbs and spices from the Orient, and took her for his wife. Unfortunately, his wife always sent her back, because she preferred cornflakes, whereupon the caliph would kneel before his youthful bride and declare his eternal and everlasting love for her, until they should be parted by cruelest death. Then, in the evening, he had her killed. This went on, until one day, when the caliph already had fifty-two thousand nine hundred eighty-seven mothers-in-law, who *all* came for suprise visits every Sunday afternoon, he married the beautiful and wise Scheherazade. By the device of telling her husband one thousand and one different stories, one each night, she was able to stay his hand, and yet, she still had to beware, for if she should forget and tell a story the caliph had heard before, she would be in deadly danger. Music: fading down Narrator: However, one day he went into a chemist's shop and asked for some talkum powder. 'Certainly', said the assistant, 'will you walk this way?' F/X: sound of guillotine blade falling Narrator: 'If I could walk--' Hgh... (audience reaction) Caliph (Chris?): Heard it. Alright, Scheherazade my dear, I'm afraid I'm gonna have you painfully put to death tonight a bit. Scheherazade (Jo): But exalted husband, I've another story to tell you. Caliph: Arrhh, not another one?! Scheherazade: Oh yes, mighty one. Caliph: Good grief, this must be the... (unintelligible rapid counting) ... nine hundred and eighty-sixth story you've told me since we were married. Can't you tell it after I've had you painfully put to death? Scheherazade: Uhh, no no no, not really, oh wise and strong benefactor. Caliph: Damn. Oh alright then. F/X: door handle Caliph: (shouting) Abdul?