XKCD Professional Oaths

Inspired by this XKCD comic about various professional oaths made up along the lines of the Hippocratic Oath, I asked Falcon-40B what more it could tell me about them.

First of all, starting out with the Hyperbaric Oath.

All of us had sworn the Hyperbaric Oath: "I swear by these chambers of steel, that I shall practice my craft according to the best of my ability. I will keep myself and my chambers clean. I will do no harm. I will give no unnecessary treatment." Then we looked into each other's eyes, silently promising to hold each other to our oath. Then at least we felt like we were in it together. Then at least we felt like we were in it together. But I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. ~J.S.

Another attempt, which doesn't really follow the hyperbaric clue from the prompt, but at least it gives a relatively lengthy parody of that kind of oaths:

All of us had sworn the Hyperbaric Oath: Never to be without a pen. To be constantly alert for any signs of the presence of a pen; to notify, immediately upon discovery, the location, make and model of same. That we shall, to the best of our ability, assist those in need of a pen; so long as the quest does not interfere with our quest for pens. We shall give freely of what we are able and take freely from those who can afford to spare. We shall remember the many who have gone before us, and do our best to honor them. And at the last, when our bodies are pungent and our senses have failed, may we find ourselves among those whose writing instruments are smooth and strong, whose ink is rich and deep, whose paper is crisp and white, and whose pens are many. Amen.

This one needed quite a few attempts until something at least faintly sensible came out. It's interesting how it generated a few footnotes, but then left them completely empty.

All of us had sworn the Holographic Oath: “I swear to support the C-R-A-S-H-P-A-D, Digital, Holographic Revolution of the Intergalactic Holographic Council.”[1] We then entered the world of the Hologram—into The Holographic Universe! Why did I swear this oath? Because I understood that we were on the verge of a breakthrough in Holographic technology—capable of “changing humanity.”[2] And now we have. Thanks to the HONORABLE, “Above Top Secret” information that I am sharing on this blog, you can learn, right now, how to understand this breakthrough—and how to use it to save your community from the “mental illness epidemic” and reverse the “Mental Health Crisis” that is taking over our planet. For example, when we joined the Holographic Universe as “digital beings,” our holographic “minds” and “bodies” were digitalized—creating a “quantum” “copy” of our physical selves.[3] Then when we left the Holographic Universe, we needed to “re-sync” with our “physical” selves. Unfortunately, many of us have “lost our way” in the Holographic Universe—some of us being trapped there forever. And this includes children.[4] And now we have a “mental health crisis.” But it doesn’t have to be this way! You can wake up! Save yourself! Re-Sync your life with that of your digital “twin” in the Holographic Universe—and get your life back! [1] [2] [3] [4]

The Histrionic Oath was another one that needed quite a few repeated attempts.

All of us had sworn the Histrionic Oath: to use whatever means necessary to bring attention to our presence. The most important thing was, how could we actually pull it off? "The first thing we need is a public show," someone said. "A spectacle. Something that'll attract a lot of attention." "What about a parade?" one guy offered. "A parade. Not bad. But I think we need something even more exciting, even more dynamic." "What about a procession?" "No, a procession is too static. We need something more active, like..." A second of silence. "Like a parade!" "A parade!" "It's a parade! A parade! A parade!" "Yes! A parade!" "It's a parade!" "It's a parade! It's a parade! It's a parade! It's a parade! It's a parade!"

At last, the Hydroelectric Oath turned out to be more productive and yield a few more interesting results again.

All of us had sworn the Hydroelectric Oath: We shall build no dam in the watershed of a river, nor shall we work one that is already built, until we have found and addressed the problems that may follow. As students of the science of hydrology, we had learned about the complex interactions between river and land. We knew that if we allowed a dam to block a river, we were starting a clock whose hand would speed up to a blur with only the most unpredictable, chaotic outcome. We would be disturbing all of the natural cycles and upsetting an ecosystem that had evolved over thousands of years and survived 20 ice ages.
All of us had sworn the Hydroelectric Oath: to use water not just to drill for oil and make electricity, but to irrigate arid lands, to provide water for hydrotherapy and hydrogenation, to harvest the bounty of the sea, to build canals, boats, bridges and dams. And to use water responsibly, conservatively.
All of us had sworn the Hydroelectric Oath: “I vow that in thought and in deed, To help save the world’s energy needs, I’ll look for hydroelectric means, To solve all problems in the present.” Hippies used H-electro methods always, But never seemed to have enough. The problem was always with the power, Cuz it was always in the buff. So we brought costumes for a dress-up ball. We presented them to H-electro, Who said they’d try them on, and give us call. But first they’d have to consult somebody. When we went to contact them again, They had changed. They sent us off to hell. We were told that they’d become watermen, And that we could go fuck ourselves.

Who knows why bringing your own mugs helps to save water and how this is related to the school’s electricity production, but amazingly it managed to keep the names of the kids consistent within the text.

All of us had sworn the Hydroelectric Oath: I promise to save water from now on. We are now carrying our own mugs to school. Our electricity production in school is now low. Thanks to the Water Warriors! ~by, Chiann 5A School is about to end but we’re all still fighting against wasting water. So the water warriors decided to do a “WATER WAGON”. The “WATER WAGON” was like an exhibition. We choose 5 students to go on the “WATER WAGON” and they will show it to the entire school and make them understand. It was quite like a parade. They went to every class and with the help of poster boards it was pretty simple to explain. Here are some photos of the “WATER WAGON”. Enjoy! ~by, Amayah 5B On the Last Day, we had a Water Wagon which was the last thing that we did for the W.A.T.E.R. Warriors. There were 5 students who were picked to go on the Water Wagon, and they picked students from different classes. They explained how to save water, and what we should do with the water that we save. These are the 5 people that were in the Wagon: - Amayah 5B - Naija-Lee 5A - Chiann 5A - Tristan 5A - Ian 5A ~by, Chris 5B

The Hippodromic Oath:

All of us had sworn the Hippodromic Oath: an oath to respect the Hippodrome of Constantinople, the honor of charioteers, and to obey the orders of the judges. My oath says: I will respect the Hippodrome of Constantinople, the honor of the charioteers, and all the orders of the judges and the Emperor. To build a new stables in Constantinople I will give nothing, nor promise anything, nor buy any place (only the imperial orders may be free). Upon the imperial orders I will give the place to the charioteers. I will not bring any gladiator or bear-fighter from other places to Constantinople. If someone brings an armed gladiator or bear-fighter from another place to the capital, I will protest and inform in all my power immediately. I will not do or say anything against the law of the Emperor or the Hippodrome Laws. (Source: The Book of Ceremonies: Byzantine Court Ceremonies)
All of us had sworn the Hippodromic Oath: to be faithful to Hippology, the Science of the Horse; to show respect for the Hippocore, the ancestors in Hippology; and to give back to any who come after us all that we have learned from those who came before us; to not spread falsehoods, half-truths, or distortions. (Dawn Westbrook, Hippologia, February, 2015, “Horses, Homo sapiens, and the Tyranny of Distance“)
All of us had sworn the Hippodromic Oath: “I swear by the Lord of Horses, the Mare, the Stallion, and the Colt, that I will only compete in the Hippodrome, it is by the God of the Stadium that I am made rich, and I will not wish any wrong to anyone in the chariot-arena.”

The Hypnagogic Oath again took quite a few attempts until the model spat out something at least somewhat related to sleeping:

All of us had sworn the Hypnagogic Oath: Try to remember to have a dream in which someone else is present. It was perhaps the most noble and quixotic of the Hypnagogia--there were other Hypnagogia, lesser Hypnagogia that had been tried and tried again, and thus, no longer touched the unconscious, the dreamer, the sleeper with the freshness of a new technique. The Swarms of Centipedes in the Bed Hypnagogia--the one in which the sleeper imagined centipedes crawling all over his body--was gone from the American dreamer's repertoire. The Lying on the Ceiling Hypnagogia--the sleeper imagined that he was lying on the ceiling, watching others talking and walking below him--was also a thing of the past. Nothing could ever be as important and hopeful to us as the Hypnagogia that we had sworn to bring to each other. The Hypnagogia had come to us at an enormous cost. Both of us had had to give up all of our other, very minor Hypnagogia. We had to sacrifice all of our other small struggles during sleep. And we were very proud to do this. We did not know what our goal should be, but we knew that the most noble of the Hypnagogia, the Hypnagogia that had the greatest chance of succeeding, were the ones that had the least to do with us, and were the most difficult for us to attempt. Thus, we thought, while we were awake--but only fleetingly--we thought that it was the other person in the bed who would find a way to alter our dream, to enter our dream, to meet us in our dream in a way that was unmistakable.

Asking about the Hypergolic Oath produced the following madness from an alternate reality, in which operating the ISS is so casualty-prone that it apparently requires 300 litres of blood transfusions for a fifteen-day mission alone. Another interesting thing is the model picked up on the ‘remember to like and subscribe’-sign-off common to that kind of Youtube videos.

All of us had sworn the Hypergolic Oath: To protect Vela, the space age, And to defend the ISS With infinite lives, And to make our opinions known through the media. We are the defenders of the ISS We are the defenders of the ISS We are the Defenders of the ISS We are the Defenders of the ISS We are the Defenders of the ISS God save the ISS NELSON: I'm R. Nelson. I'm of the NASA Space Systems Command, and I'm the program manager for the ISS. BRACK: This is S. Brack. I'm of the Space Systems Command, and I'm the program manager for the whole thing. NELSON: One of the big things on the ISS is to maintain a supply of a blood substitute for use by the crew members. BRACK: The ISS comes equipped with a stock of 300 liters of O-negative blood, and this is good for fifteen-day missions. NELSON: But the ISS has been known to conduct missions that last as long as two years. BRACK: The stock becomes depleted. NELSON: And we have serious casualties on the ISS. BRACK: You know what's worse than having your arm fall off? NELSON: Well, you lose a lot of blood, and then it all ends up in the airlock? BRACK: Right. No, you lose the whole arm. NELSON: Well, I'm pretty sure we addressed that by adding a shoulder joint. BRACK: Yeah, but we don't send out a lot of spare arms. NELSON: No we don't, and the ISS has to supply its own blood. BRACK: It has to do its own blood transfusion, that's for sure. NELSON: And that's where our new project comes in. BRACK: Project Vela is a system developed to synthesize a blood substitute for crew members, all on station. NELSON: How do they do it? BRACK: A small amount of crew member's blood is drawn and utilized in a plasma separator. NELSON: The plasma is separated from the red blood cells. BRACK: Through a centrifuge. NELSON: And is re-inserted into the bloodstream. BRACK: This is then used to create a new, synthetic plasma from the blood of another crew member. NELSON: Now an oxygen-rich, carbon dioxide-free blood has been synthesized with the blood from another crew member, for the eventual use of a third crew member suffering a major blood loss or some other medical emergency. BRACK: This is in addition to the current blood-storing procedure, which is that crew members have their own blood harvested and stored for use in the event of a catastrophe. NELSON: Project Vela has been an amazing success, perfecting the system to provide continuous blood production. BRACK: And upon successful use of Vela on the ISS, we expect it to be expanded to use on the lunar surface. NELSON: And eventually, we plan to extend blood synthesis capabilities to planetary surfaces. This is R. Nelson and S. Brack. You've been listening to Blood Synthesis Explained. (Brack and Nelson click their mics off.) NELSON: And there you have it. You've just heard Blood Synthesis Explained. (Nelson and Brack remove their mics.) NELSON: That's all of our blood work for today. Next time, we'll be talking about more of our planned activities for the lunar surface. NELSON: Thank you for listening to Blood Synthesis Explained. BRACK: And remember to like and subscribe. NELSON: And remember to like and subscribe.

A second attempt produced nothing related to rocketry and space exploration, but instead a similarly mad tale about a comedy troupe consisting of a gay rabbit and a dog dressed up as a pilot.

All of us had sworn the Hypergolic Oath: We would not use the phrase “daddy-o” in conversation. We’d have to find a dozen different ways to say “dude” and “hello” and “darn” but that was the price of doing business with the famous Hypergolic Comedy Troupe. In exchange for $75 a week and a new van each year we’d have to be their devoted chorus members. They had a whole stable of comics. The Mirth Express, a kind of red carpet satire of The Love Boat, was the current hit, playing to sold out shows at the Hypergolic Shrine Theatre, a 100-seat room in a former church somewhere between New York and Los Angeles. The thing about the Mirth Express is that it was basically a star vehicle for a big, hairless, gay rabbit. And probably the only thing funnier than the rabbit was his sidekick, a German shepherd in a pilot’s outfit. They were the ones who said “daddy-o.” We choristers were younger, slimmer, not-so-famous. Our biggest claim to fame was that we had been the only high school in the nation to win the state championship basketball for ten years in a row. We weren’t really a comedy troupe, but we weren’t really anything else, either. Dan, the leader of the Hypergolic Comedy Troupe, gave us the option of joining them in their tour of military bases in the Far East or staying home in our respective homes around the country, going our own way, holding down day jobs, doing some improv here and there. I picked doing the Mirth Express. I had no prospects at all otherwise. But things didn’t work out that way because I got fired after six months. I’m not sure I should be telling anybody about this but I’m pretty sure it’s in the best interest of humanity that I do. The less there are of us out there, the better. It was on our way to the Hypergolic Shrine Theatre for our evening performance. I was in the back of the van with the giant rabbit and the German shepherd. We were all kind of wondering what the deal was. Were they really as gay as they were rumored to be? I had been talking to the rabbit, but he hadn’t had much to say. I was trying to draw him out with some questions that I imagined he might be able to answer. “Do you have eyes?” I asked him. “I have eyes,” he said. “Do you have a tail?” “I have a tail,” he said. “Do you have fur?” “I have fur,” he said. “Is it true that you’re gay?” “I’m gay,” he said. I was enjoying this. I had heard he was a big dick, but so far it was all cool. “Do you want to go out to dinner with me?” I asked him. “I thought you’d never ask,” he said. That night is still a blur. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I remember a lot of it. I’ll sum up the relevant parts. We were at the Hypergolic Shrine Theatre, waiting to go on stage. We were in the back room, the one with all the costumes, with the rabbit and the dog. The rabbit was in his tight white shorts and a sweatshirt that said “Daddy-O” and the dog was in his pilot’s outfit. The dog said, “We should do something before the show.” The rabbit said, “Sure.”

The Hermeneutic Oath finally really confused the model, because it mostly attempted to produce text related to the actual Hippocratic Oath and it took quite a few attempts to get something more hermeneutic.

All of us had sworn the Hermeneutic Oath: that is, the promise to never use a hermeneutic, or method of interpretation, that would allow us to assume a meaning that was not already present in the text. Related Keywords: Hermeneutic Us Interpretation Meaning Allow Promise Never Related Authors: Martin Luther King, Jr. Maya Angelou Buddha Nelson Mandela William Shakespeare Mahatma Gandhi William Faulkner