Top Ten Garden Gnome facts

Did you know that garden gnomes never sleep and hate to shower? No? Then read on…

Somewhat curiously, GPT-J initially refused to generate any interesting facts about garden gnomes at all, and would instead instantly pivot towards writing some sort of generic celebrity gossipnews-style article or whatever. Once it, after a few attempts, finally started properly follwing the prompt I gave it, it however immediately generated the following gem, which I have to say is one of my favourite bits of GPT-J’s writings:

The Top Ten facts about garden gnomes you'd never have guessed: 10. They don’t like to eat The truism that gnomes are disliked because they eat doesn’t necessarily have to be true. The truth might be that unlike humans, they don’t eat much. A British survey of garden gnomes turned up that they rarely, if ever, eat. The original Slovenian proverb, “Gnomes never eat” might be the first sentence taken from search results on Google. Right up there with “the stock market is on a never-ending up trend” and “the cold war is over“. 9. They don’t sleep Close your eyes and forget the gnomes. They never sleep. They might spend some of their time dreaming, but the rest of the day is spent playing outside. They’ll go to bed at sunset if they are young and social, but old and abandoned gnomes stay up to watch the night sky. This makes up for the fact that they can’t go home for the holidays. Sometimes, they actually do keep their lids closed. 8. They often don’t take showers A group of gnomes who decided to clean up their act by going to the bathroom one day were shocked to find a tiny little oasis spraying hot water on them! Despite their tiny size, they actually are very capable of using a shower. They just seem to blow off their duties. When they want to take a bath they just let their clothes dry in the sunlight and move on. 7. They love to touch These guys are lovers. They even have their own sexual preferences: Some are into clean-shaven men, while others prefer hairy men. 6. They can breathe and cry If the little guys are feeling blue – just let them out their feelings in a nice, fluffy ball. Besides, gnomes are crafted out of art supplies (crickets and worms) and are not made of material that’s not breathable. They’re just not that high maintenance when it comes to furniture. 5. They don’t always drink water Gnomes are known for their love of water in Slovenia, and also in Sweden. However, some of these gnomes are seen drinking wine (or wine vinegar) in, Switzerland, the Czech Republic and Germany. 4. They love to laugh What’s the best way to make a gnome laugh? Maybe break a joke? Or just throw in a word that is of their own choosing? If that’s the case, then they’ll definitely get a chuckle out of “pirate”. 3. They sometimes talk Other garden gnomes have been heard speaking to each other in human language, like “French.” It might be obvious that they are singing, but even if they are, the pitch and the tempo is very similar to any other song. Lyrics are rarely added. 2. They love when you dance One gnome even commented on Facebook that some of the garden gnomes he knew would sing together and dance to music. A YouTube video has been uploaded, showing one gnome dancing while his friends sing and sing in harmony. 1. They’ll punch someone Having a good sense of humor is important to being a garden gnome, but what’s most important is the use of their fists. They’ll use their fists to fight for mushrooms, and sometimes even just to fight with their friends for a hat. Gnomes love their noggin.

Now that it’s gotten the hang of writing about garden gnomes, it follows up with not just the Top Ten facts I originally asked for, but also additional variations, all on the subject of garden gnomes. They’re all up to GPT-J’s usual standards of weirdness, and I especially love the last ones about the ‘Most Popular Garden Gnome Scenes’, which actually sound rather cute to imagine.

The Top Ten facts about garden gnomes you'd never have guessed: 10. You would probably think they would make good pets, but studies have shown that they are too dumb to sleep next to you. 9. As peaceable as they might seem, more than 40% of people who own a garden gnome end up having a gnome break a bone or scratch themselves. 8. If you look into the eyes of a garden gnome, you will see the past, the future, and the people who created them. 7. There are over 20 different languages in which the gnomes speak, and they are all a variation of the original German term "Gnokgoblin." 6. At one point, people thought that the gnomes were a myth, and they were around for centuries before the first record of them was written down. 5. There are now over 4 million people worldwide who own a garden gnome. 4. Contrary to popular belief, the gnomes have not been around for as long as people have been walking. The first record of them was written down in 1873. 3. The gnomes are not real, but there is still a thriving knock-off industry. 2. The first garden gnome probably appeared in the 1880's with a French company called Mary Akniss. 1. The most popular gnomes are from Germany. They are considered to be the "fathers of the American gnome industry." The Top Ten reasons you would replace your gnome with a garden ornament: 1. They are not real. 2. They are too stupid to do anything useful. 3. People think that because they are made of ceramic, they are difficult to care for. This is untrue. 4. They are very difficult to keep clean. 5. Most of them are made of questionable cellulose materials that can rot. 6. They are made to look like people, and you cannot figuratively turn a sideaddle on them. 7. All of them chase the tail of whatever is in front of them, which means you have to watch them all the time. 8. They don't sleep. 9. Most of them are made of metal. 10. Most of them have cold spots. The Top Ten things that have never been said about garden gnomes: 1. One of the earliest people to buy a garden gnome was George Washington II, who wanted a gnome of his own. 2. They are called garden gnomes because they are more like household gnomes. 3. You cannot make a garden gnome out of PVC pipe. 4. It is illegal in some towns to keep a garden gnome in your flowerbed. 5. People who think they have a gnome of their own are usually silly. 6. More than one person has made a garden variety of gnomes. 7. In '¡Toby', a TV show about people who own garden greenery, two of the main characters have a garden gnome. 8. In REALITY TV, there was a garden gnome reality show, but it only lasted one episode. 9. There was a blonde garden gnome named Alice Princess who had a baby named Toby. 10. People have made garden gnome hair dyes. The Top Ten songs about garden gnomes: 1. "I wanna be a garden gnome." 2. "He'll be happy smashing pottery with his big metal hammer." 3. "Hiking to the top of the world, past the river of flowers, the falling stars will remind me I'm only a garden gnome, not a princess!" 4. "He will not be happy with a garden ornament, because they can be turned and flipped." 5. "He will be happy smashing pottery with his big metal hammer. 6. There are over 4 million people worldwide who own a garden gnome. 7. "If a garden gnome raises his head to the sky, there are lots of stars around him. 8. "Gnome loves to play golf." 9. "You can enjoy a nice game of golf and be greeted with a happy face." 10. "Meet Queen Elizabeth Goblins, for this is written in her book." The Top Ten things that are NOT true about garden gnomes: 1. They don't talk. 2. They taste like cardboard. 3. People in the 18th century thought they were the horns of the devil. 4. They don't do anything but sit on your shoulder and watch the world go by. 5. You can't make them do anything. 6. They are made of PVC pipe. 7. They aren't made by elves. 8. You cannot use them as a tool. 9. They aren't really ceramic. 10. You can't turn them off; you have to shut them off. The Most Popular Garden Gnome Scenes: 1. "I'm tired and my head is hurting." 2. "Gnome's looking for the bathroom." 3. "He says, 'Ha-ha-ha-ha, what should I do?'" 4. "He's chasing a tomato." 5. "He's chasing a raccoon." 6. "He likes destroying the pottery." 7. "He pretends to be a cow." 8. "He's thinking of you." 9. "He's thinking of a nut." 10. "He's trying to figure out how to get home."

Nothing too outrageous in terms of garden gnome facts, but this is then followed up with a list of ten different kinds of garden gnomes, none of which can really be classified as something a reasonable person would come up with when asked about garden gnomes – which is of course exactly what we are looking for.

The Top Ten facts about garden gnomes you'd never have guessed: 10. The average garden gnome weighs about a pound. 9. The word "gnome" comes from the French word for "dwarf." 8. An early 19th century British law stated that if you owned a statue of a dwarf, it had to be at least three feet tall. 7. Garden gnomes originated in Germany, and were brought into the U.S. in the mid-20th century. 6. There are over 100 different types of garden gnomes. 5. The American poet, Robert Frost, wrote a poem called "The Garden Gnome" in 1923. 4. In 1967, a pop song by the band the Monkees, titled, "The Gnome," reached number one on the U.S. charts. 3. In the 1970s, a Chicago newspaper took at shot at the American lawn gnome phenomenon. It basically claimed that lawn gnomes were the work of foreign spies. 2. The British rock band, "The Who," has a song titled "Garden Gnome." 1. Garden gnomes are not made of stone, cement, or fiberglass. Garden gnomes are made of wood! Many people have said that you can tell a gnome for sure by his voice. It's not true! Although garden gnomes come in a variety of different types, their voices are the same! They all sound like they have a lisp, or an American accent, or a German accent. I guess it could happen to everyone! Here's a list of the types of garden gnomes: 1. The Handyman. This type of garden gnome is made to be placed in or on your garden and then make your life easier. They are usually crafted with a movable ladder to reach all of the flowers, plants, and trees in your garden. The Handyman type of garden gnome can keep your garden looking neat and pretty. 2. The Peacemaker. Peacemaker garden gnomes are the most popular garden gnomes. They are usually made to look like a puppet or puppet show character. Many of them are two story high, and you can find them with or without arms. It's not always clear who they are supposed to be, but they always look like a "big kid." 3. The Keepsake. The Keepsake garden gnomes are made to look like some sort of a character from a movie or book. They are usually made with a small round face, a big hat, and usually a tiny dog gnome on their left shoulder. They are usually very pretty, and the faces are made from real granite stones. 4. The Articulated. Articulated garden gnomes are usually shaped to look like a three-dimensional object, and they are made from wood. Articulated garden gnomes usually have a person-sized object or tool on their head, such as a rake, shovel, ladder, etc. 5. The Town Hall Gnome. Town Hall Gnomes look almost like a person, and they are usually made to look like a mushroom mushroom or Earth Fairy. They have a person's feet, but instead of a body, they have a box. Town hall gnomes are usually used on the lawn of a town hall, or at the town hall's park. 6. The Scarecrow. Scarecrow garden gnomes are usually dressed in a blanket or thatched hut. Scarecrow garden gnomes are usually made to look like someone dressed up to look like a scarecrow. They are usually made to have a person-sized body and yet to look like a big kid. 7. The Warning Gnome. Warning Gnomes look just like the name says. They look like a little person, holding a sign that warns of something. WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! 8. The Firefighter. The Firefighter garden gnomes are usually made to look like a fire engine, or a fire truck. They are made to look like a real fire engine or a real fire truck. Firefighter garden gnomes are usually made to operate a siren, and they are often used on ladders to talk to other firetrucks or to make people worry about everything that might be on fire. 9. The Bunny Garden Gnome. The Bunny Garden Gnome is a garden gnome that looks like a white spotted rabbit. The bunny garden gnome is a wonderful little garden gnome that can be used to decorate your lawn. 10. The Renewal. The Renewal garden gnomes are made to look like a person who has just come out of a tree. Garden gnomes have been around since the early 1800s. In the mid-20th century, the United States was suffering from a flower shortage. The U.S. Dragoons decided to create a "national symbol" to represent flowers. They decided to put a garden gnome on top of the national emblem on U.S. military vehicles.

Another absolutely lovely set of facts, all told in a totally serious and authoritative style of writing, with purported quotes from 1845 gardening books, the ‘American Garden Gnome Society’ (watch out for the cowboy gnomes!), a few weird tales involving the church and more – and of course it’s all complete and utter bollocks.

Last but by no means least, this set of facts also introduces us to the fascinating existence of a journal called ‘The Gnomonic Quarterly of the Society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies’, which we’ll be hearing more about shortly.

The Top Ten facts about garden gnomes you'd never have guessed: 10. The gnome is very special The housewives of the 1890s, old photographs show, would soak their dishes in rosemary when gnome-watching. "It is a tedious weed that is destitute of smell," the 1845 edition of Dickson’s “Cottage Gardener” tells us. But, as gardeners (and gnomes) found, "it is useful in various ways, for the loathsome chigoe, the chironomus, and the Aphis. It is also an excellent remedy for insects with maggots, flies, and mosquitoes." 9. The gnome's great-grandchildren In the early 20th century, nurseryman J. Boyle Lavan wrote a book in which he told the story of how Delgadillo and his wife Elvira, who were starting a nursery in England, imported an Englishman's gnome and brought it to the Don. They told him that the gnome had been given to them by an English lady, and that they were going to give it to her granddaughter, who would live in the same house as her grandmother. But when they got to the house and introduced the gnome to the young girl, she said: "Oh, no, it is mine." And, when asked where the gnome had come from, she answered, "My mother gave it to me. She's dead. She couldn't stand it any more." 8. North-South divide The American Garden Gnome Society has produced a neat chart summarising the number of members it has in each Northern state. Northern states, it notes, have much higher numbers of followers. Even Wisconsin and Michigan, which are cold and wet, have a sizeable number of garden gnomes. But, even there, there are differences. Michigan is largely American gothic, with lots of Gothic churches. Wisconsin is more American victorian. Out west, gnomes are more likely to be cowboy gnomes, for that is where the early pioneers settled. 7. The Church of the Gnomes This is a church in Kansas, which has a very peculiar rite of christening. Instead of a priest dressed in vestments, there is a gnome in a bishop's cassock, with the bishop sitting on a throne behind him. The thing is said to be a replica of a gnome which, some centuries ago, was made from wood but which over time became petrified and turned to stone. The gnome is an alchemical symbol for fertility and the two boys standing on either side of the altar are the god's sons. 6. People have confused gnomes for monks In the 1300's, the Russian clergy tried to use them as an instrument of the Inquisition. They were told that heresy had been discovered in one of the gnomes. The priests were told to seize the gnome and the evidence of its heresy. But the gnome, of course, was stone. 5. Supposedly the most famous gnome The history of the gnomes of Les Hautes Fagnes de Neuf Valets is dramatic. They were made at the end of the Middle Ages. They were presented to the Bishop of Chartres. He decided to hide them in caves in the valley, because they were supposed to be evil and wicked. And, one day, he lifted the lid off one of his caves and found two gnomes. Though he kept one, he took the other and hid him in a new cave. He has been there ever since and has gone through a number of different owners. 4. Gnomes go on holidays When the French Revolution destroyed many of the old traditions, it also destroyed many of the gnomes who had been used as fertility symbols. In the 18th century, the President of the French Republic decreed that only official Gnome go on holiday, so that he would not be smothered (he lived in the Palace of the Luxembourg, a huge Neoclassical palace in the centre of Paris). Other orthodox gnomes then went on holiday along the Normandy coast. 3. Creation of a double-think The introduction of the English word gnome to record the Germanic name of the tiny folk in Renaissance Germany caused a problem. The English gnye is a corruption of the German gnye, but the German gnye is a little gnome. So, for a while, there was a beautiful confusion of words. 2. Garden gnomes and World War II A gnome was always made out of wood. In the 2nd World War, what was known as Nazi-loot confiscated the wood, and used it to make things like machine-guns. During the war, the gnome went into hiding in the forests, and survived. Later, when peace came, several gnomes were preserved, and one of them became the mascot of a famous antiques shop in Berlin. There, the gnome was put on display. 1. The gnome and the atomic bomb The Sims, the computer game, has a sim called the Gnome. They hide in holes in the ground, and they have been created to deal with all the things which wood and stone could not. The gnome is of course an alchemical symbol and a symbol of the nuclear bomb. Wood and stone were not strong enough to deal with the atomic blast. But gnomes, because they are stone, are strong enough. The gnome is not a dwarf, though, because the dwarf is a symbol of the poisonous spider. Instead, the Gnome is the stone for an ancient alchemical symbol called the Lesser Trinity, a symbol of the "third stone" of alchemy. Are the gnomes a pagan symbol or a Christian symbol? Which one explains the Gnome better? You decide! The story of the gnomes was published in a journal called The Gnomonic Quarterly of the Society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies, which is sponsored by the American Gnome Party. It is a very special journal, because it holds some of its readers in suspicion.

A first look into the weird world of ‘The Gnomonic Quarterly of the Society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies’, for which on this attempt it made up a complete gnome-related story. It’s lovely how the purported author on the one hand apparently totally hates gnomes, but then still signs off his introductory sentence with ‘in gnomehood’.

As for the story – apparently there’s this big and rich gnome called Mr. Garcia who lives in big mansion (which has a library that includes a small restaurant, and whose heating uses ‘gnome gas-furnaces’, because what else did you expect in a gnome mansion?) and shares his garden with a load of small gnomes. The story tells how one day the small gnomes make a journey into the big house and meet Mr. Garcia, although in the second half of the story, GPT-J gets a little confused as to whether the big gnome living in the mansion and Mr. Garcia are really the same person or not.

Story-wise it’s nothing too spectacular really, but it’s got lots of lovely – and of course often surreal – little details that really flesh out the world-building: The little gnomes visiting the big gnome want to get back home to make it in time for the late show, they enter the house through the gnome door (naturally), the gnome with a seltzer bottle mentioned in the introduction actually makes an appearance further down the page, the big gnome’s angry rant about how he wants to go to sleep, but first has to make and then unmake his bed in order to do so, and quite a few bits more.

The story of the garden gnomes was published in a journal called The Gnomonic Quarterly of the Society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies, which is sponsored by the American Gnome Party. It is a very special journal, because it holds some of its readers in suspicion. Here are some quotes from the writer of the gnome story, which we publish in its original form. "I have written a story about these little brainless, ugly, stinky, shapeless creatures. I hope you enjoy it. Yours in gnomehood, W. Graham" And the story itself: A Story of Gnomes A gnome was sitting in a garden, and he was very bored. He sat on his patio under a tree, and watched the grass grow. He had thousands of books in his library, but they were too heavy to carry. He had a large pond, filled with fish and turtles. He had a large swimming pool, filled with water, and with a diving board. It was the size of a small pond. A gnome lived in a big, big, big mansion. His lawn was the size of a tennis court, and his swimming pool was the size of a small lake. There were gnome gas-furnaces that warmed his house in the winter, and there were gnome gas-water heaters. He had an indoor swimming pool with a diving board from the second floor. The gnome's front lawn was very full of gnomes. There were gnomes in the grass, there were gnomes on the mailbox with their arms folded. Some of them were very little and some were almost as tall as the gnome himself. Some were wearing bathing suits, and some were naked. There were gnomes pushing lawn mowers, and gnomes with seltzers, and gnomes with fire engines. There were gnomes washing their cars, and gnomes painting their fences. Over the years, the gnome garden had grown, and was now as big as a small golf course. In the evening, some of the gnomes had trouble making it home. They were forty-five minutes late, and the gnome had already eaten dinner. They were taking the long way home, to get home in time for the late show. It was very dark when they reached the gate. They were hidden by shrubbery. The gnomes crept through under the bush, and went in the gnome door. The little gnomes were very excited. They had not seen the gnome for over a month. They did not know what he was doing, where he was, or if he had any more gnomes. They crept into his library. There was a TV. They sat in front of it and tried to get the gnome's attention. "Mr. Garcia," they said. "Mr. Garcia, are you home?" It was a long time before the gnome got up off his couch. Finally, he came into the room. He was tired and he was very surprised to see his gnomes. "What are you doing here, gnomes?" said the gnome. "Why are you going to the movies at this time of the evening? Why are you all dressed in your bathing suits? You are not supposed to be dressed like this." The gnomes were very embarrassed. They were used to the great gnome, who lived in the biggest mansion in town. "We are sorry, Mr. Garcia," they said. "We'll never do it again." The gnome said, "All right. Go back to your homes, and sleep. We will watch the movie together." The gnomes looked at each other. The gnome was being very kind, and the gnomes were very grateful. With great anticipation, they went into the library, and watched the movie. It was a nice, calm evening. Clouds were rolling in the sky, and the gnomes had a nice fall breeze. It had been a very long time since the gnomes had been home. It had been a very long time since they had had a movie night. Finally, the movie was over, and the lights went up. The gnomes filed out of the library. They said, "Good night, Mr. Garcia." The gnome slipped out of his yard, and back into his garden. His lawn was very tidy, and there were no gnomes on his patio. The gnome went into his library, and snapped off the lights, and went to sleep. It was ten o'clock in the morning. The gnomes were very thirsty. They wanted their breakfast, but they could not find the gnome's kitchen. They wandered through his library, and they found a small restaurant on the far side of the room. The gnomes sat down, and waited for the gnome to come. A gnome came through the door, and he was exhausted. He had been on the road all night long. "Where is the kitchen?" he said. "Where are all the gnomes?" It was the little gnomes that explained everything to him. They had made a disturbance in the restaurant. They had ordered and they had eaten and they had thrown their gnomey down on the floor. The gnome was not angry. He was smiling. "I've got to go to work now," he said. "You like life, don't you? You like being outdoors. Come with me." The gnome walked out the door with the gnomes. He was tired, but he was happy. He was on his way home, and he was very happy. There was a small gnome on his back, and it was raining. The gnome was happy. He was happy to get home. The gnome was very tired, and he put the gnome down on his patio. He lay down on his patio. He smiled. He was happy. He had a perfect lawn, and now that everything was over for the day, he could do anything he wanted. A little while later, the gnome heard noises outside. There was a small gnome carrying a seltzer bottle across the lawn. He put the bottle on the table and went inside. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wand. He went into the kitchen. He thought the gnomes were in the kitchen. He began to hunt them down, because they were making him very angry. He found the little gnome in the bathroom, and he pointed his wand at him. "OK, gnome," said the gnome. "What are you doing? Are you going to make me drink? Are you going to make me take a bath? Are you going to make me clean my house?" "I'm not going to eat your gnomes," said the gnome. "I'm just going to wash them." The gnome began to loose his temper. "I don't like gnomes," he said. "I don't like gnomes. You don't understand. You don't understand what it is like to live in a big mansion. I am very tired. I didn't get any sleep last night. I would like to go to bed now. I have to make my bed first. I have to unmake my bed. I have to make my bed, and then I have to unmake my bed. I'm going to bed. I'm going to make my bed. I'm going to unmake my bed. I have to lay down at night." "Just take off my gnome," said the gnome. "I don't have to take care of you." The gnome began to cry. The tears ran down his face and he began to sob. "This is wrong," he said. "This is very wrong. I didn't know there were big gnomes. I thought they were little. I didn't know you made them wear bathing suits. They didn't tell me." The gnome was feeling very sorry for himself. He had been very angry. He was very tired. He did not want the gnomes or the swimming pool. "I'm a kidder," he said. "I'm a kiddder. I'm a kiddder." "They're not going to make me eat you, are they?" he said. "They're not going to make me eat you, are they?" "I think you'd better go home," said the gnome. "Please go home." The gnome went into the garden and sat on the ground. The little gnomes were very worried about him. They were very sorry for him. They did not want him to cry. "He is not going to eat us, is he?" said the little gnome. "He is not going to eat us, is he?" "Try and relax," said the little gnome. "Mr. Garcia is a very good gnome." "Where is he?" asked the little gnome. "Where is Mr. Garcia, Mr. Garcia?" "I don't want to make you eat us," said the gnome. "I'm a little nervous, OK?" said the little gnome. "Mr. Garcia told me to say this to you. He told me to say this to you. He told me to tell you that if you eat us, he will catch you. He will catch you."

A look into The Gnomonic Quarterly’s editorial manifesto, which is apparently all about fighting the Forces of Evil.

This is then followed by a story about garden gnomes in Denmark. One interesting fact about them is that apparently not only do they have a gnome policeman, but also another policeman ‘who reads books’.

[…] Here are some quotes from the editorial manifesto of the society: “The Gnomonic Quarterly” is founded upon the principles of Gnomelingism, Gnomology, Gnomicism, and Gnomonic Scholarship, and is published in order to make known the terrible and malevolent nature of large numbers of people, especially those who live in large cities, where they should and must be kept out of harm’s way. We believe such people to be agents of the Evil One, and we are firmly convinced that few of them will ever change their evil ways, and that those of them who do change their evil ways are only so doing because they have been brainwashed by them into becoming part of their Evil Gang. Our hope is that The Gnomonic Quarterly will be the first publication to reveal the truth about Negativistic Gnomes, for they are abusers of the Gnomeling Sciene, yet are dishonest about it. We hope that The Gnomonic Quarterly will show the world the terrible and malevolent nature of those who hold to the belief that any Gnome who joins them is, in fact, a member of the Good Forces, or is in some way a part of the Good Winner, while the rest of the world is the Evil One. Let the truth be known. Let all the world know. Let it be seen that at least in the Gnomically Correct World, the Gnomes are being misunderstood, hounded, persecuted, and abused. We strongly believe that the study of the Gnomby is a very lonely and difficult task when you’re a Gnome who wants to understand the Gnomies, and learn to truly appreciate their goodness and good works. But when you’re a Gnome who prefers to blame the Gnomies for the evils of the Gnomile, and take advantage of the Gnomies’ sufferings, you can easily learn a lot. Our purpose is to help the Gnomies. Where we have influence, we will do what we can to make the world a better place for Gnomes. And in the process, we will make the world a better, safer place for all. We believe in the importance of Gnomic Studies. We believe that it will be a key to the future of the Gnome Race & the world. We believe that Gnomic Studies will reveal the true nature of the evil Gnome cults, the Gnome Danse, and the Gnome Liberation Fronts, and that they will be revealed as being the forces of evil, and that their members will be punished beyond the grave. This is a Gnomically Correct journal. We do not permit the Gnomies to be abused in our pages. We believe that those who abuse the Gnomies are the agents of the Evil One. Some of the readers of the newsletter are outraged by the story of the garden gnomes. A commenter on Reddit bashes author Robert Descharnes, writing, “It is a sick sorry bit of writing. I’d just as soon that he had strangled the gnome with his own hands.” I haven’t had time to read the article yet, but I was going to write a post about it. There’s a lot of misinformation, and it’s a long post. *The Garden Gnomes of Europe* are a group of people, most of them teenagers, who live in a small apartment in Copenhagen, and they liked to have small garden gnomes. The gnomes are toothless, because they don’t get any food or water. The girls at the centre had a good idea: they started a real-world Garden Gnome Festival. They called this festival “Tommas og Tommers” (“Tom and Tom junior”). It was organized in the autumn of 2015, and it was a very important event for the regulars at the centre. It was so important that the Garden Gnome festival created a new Facebook group. The garden gnomes lived in the garden of one of the teenagers who lives at the centre. She made some rules for the garden gnomes: they had to be kept at a safe distance from her, they had to be treated nice, they had to be fed, they had to have a good rest in their garden borders on weekdays, and they couldn’t be put in the bathtub. And that was all. As it is known to the world, the garden gnomes are very popular in Sweden. When the Swedish newspaper Svenska Dagbladet wrote about the Tommas og Tommers in their weekend edition on June 27, 2015, the garden gnomes were the most read article. I am very proud of them. I read the article, and I spent the whole weekend reading about the Tommas og Tommers. I read articles on Wikipedia, and archived articles on the internet. I read a lot. I have read a lot about the garden gnomes, and I know a lot about the Tommas og Tommers. I have studied the Garden Gnome menagerie. They have a lot of gnomes, and many of them are replaced every six months or so. In addition to the mangy gnomes, the garden gnomes have also a gardener, a policeman (they need a policeman, because the garden gnomes are prohibited from carrying weapons), a teacher, a dentist, two firemen, a policeman who reads books, and a veterinarian. They have delivered leaflets on the streets to tell people that if they don’t stop killing the gnomes, they will be put in the oven. They have written to the president of the United States.

Be careful not to let your nose get rubbed with garlic.

[…] Here are some quotes from the article: I assume that the author has provided his Gnome Diary for those readers without gnomes of their own. Here I will set down as much of the story as I can remember. The first mention of gnomes in the life of Elleston Dean, who is now in his mid-eighties, is in April 1997, in a garden near his house in the village of Owston, which is in the eastern part of what is now called England, and was probably once known as Ingria. This was two months before I met Elleston Dean in the village of Owston. I, in turn, first met Elleston Dean in a garden near Chickandee, which is in the western part of what is now called England, and was probably once known as Germany. The earliest mention of the Gnomonic Quarterly is in June 1997, when the Gnomonic Quarterly was published for the first time. I was five at the time, but I seem to remember that I was already taking an interest in things that are not usually taken so much notice of. Like gardens. I don’t know whether the author of the Gnomonic Quarterly is aware of the fact. For I am sure that it can’t be anyone else. For example, I was not aware on the day that the Gnomonic Quarterly was first published that it held the views that it does, and so I was not disappointed to find written on the cover an inscription reading: [Caution! Believer of the Crowned Rat & Co. of the Gnomes] The Gnomonic Quarterly has achieved a certain notoriety within certain circles of thought. Amongst those circles I am of course included! The Gnomonic Quarterly should be read by those who walk the path of the Unconventional. Amongst those who should not read the Gnomonic Quarterly are those who walk the path of the Conventional. The Gnomonic Quarterly is doubtless published in the interests of the Unconventional, or more correctly spoken, in the interests of those who believe in the Unconventional. It is not to be recommended for those who walk the path of the Conventional. The Gnomonic Quarterly is published by “The Gnome Party”, and those who ignore this fact may find their noses rubbed with garlic as occasion demands. In particular, it is not to be recommended for those who have found their noses rubbed with garlic when they stepped into the garden of Elleston Dean, for they are likely to find no comfort there anymore. You will note that I have quoted the Gnomonic Quarterly article so closely that the words of it have been almost completely transcribed, and the only parts that have not been transcribed are the parts that are written in complete sentences.

This one might possibly make a nice murder mystery or something like that.

[…] Here are some quotes from it (the italics are mine): “Francis [Horstmann], who was often found sniffling and shaking his head in mild disbelief, seemed absolutely certain that these tiny garden-featured Hellions were not merely imitations but were the real thing, creation of some masterful dwarf artificer…who, having ever since childhood been a collector of these small, ungainly creatures, had been unable to keep count of them and had convinced himself that at least seventy-seven were out in the woods somewhere near his home…would return at any moment to reclaim them, and if necessary to murder someone to accomplish this end.” – Francis Horstmann, 2013 “Whether they were made by dwarfs or not, I cannot say. I am not a geologist, nor have I ever claimed to be. There have been several prominent Gnomes who have been known to be members of the IOMA, the International Order of Men Amongst the Anomalous.” – The Gnomonic Quarterly

It seems that even GPT-J cannot talk about secret agents without invariably turning to 007.

[…] Here are some quotes from the entry that I wrote: “This is a time when tourism to the United States is at an all-time high, and we have even begun to export our gnomes to a serious market. This is a time when corporate secrecy is all the rage — and when the Gnomes of the Gnome Party are clearly more interested in selling their Treasures than revealing their true identities. This is why we have taken steps to recruit a new kind of support organization for the American Gnome Party. The Gnomonic Society will be charged with the revelation of the mysteries of the Gnome Gun, the gnome bodies that have been found, and the invisible guide who uses the magic shells to bring the gnomes to the surface. We have in our custody one of the gnomes — The Treasure of the Emerald City — and we are now asking for volunteers to visit the city and check the gnome and his treasure as soon as possible.” My name is Eric Strange. In the present, you are either a reader of Gnomes of the Gnome Party, or you are not. There will be no quarter given to you, and if you do not want to understand the gnomish language, you will be shown the door. That is all.” I have been stripped of my membership in the Gnomonic Society. I am afraid I have suffered a permanent loss of rights and privileges. This is the price I have paid for helping the Gnomes into their world. The faction of gnomes known as the Echelon is letting me know what they are doing, and I will not be silenced. I am the only one who has ever heard their secret language in its native form, and I have had tremendous help from a man who is an expert on the Gnome language — Secret Agent 001, known as Willy Brom — who has translated the evil gnomes’ words for me. I am giving myself over to the Echelon as their Agent 001, but I do not have to be an agent at all. I could remain retired. I am a retired agent, in fact, and you are welcome to visit the city of the Unfortunate Gnomes if you wish to see the place where I was known as 007. But I will be able to help the Gnomes in other ways by my knowledge of the things I have learned in the Garden, so I will continue my work as a guide — primarily of gnome tourists. When I was Agent 007, the mission of the agent was to protect the Gnome Treasures from the hands of the Evil Ones. His mission has simply been broadened to include the teachings of the Gnomes of the Gnome Party, and the protection of the children of the gnomes. I am continuing Agent 007’s mission by eliminating the source of his dilemma. One of the gnomes in the Garden is planning to kill Willy Brom if he is discovered. This gnome is also being responsible for the mysterious death of my parents. He understands that my helping the gnomes has cost me all the things that a good agent should have: my citizenship, my freedom, my life. I am now going to make certain that there is no more evil in the world. I am grateful to Willy Brom, and I am grateful to the members of the Gnomonic Society — Jessica Falcão, Mary Chappell, the daughter of Mr. John Ellis, and all of them — for helping me in my mission. I am grateful to my friends around the world for their help. I believe that there are some gnomes who need to be taught and told what is good and what is evil, even though I do not quite know the moral difference. The Echelon has shown me what they know as evil, and I am now going to help them to recognize it. My mission now is to help the gnome children, who are being given away by their parents, and to teach them. That is all.” The Journal of the Gnomonic Society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies Published by the Society for Nimbyical and Hobgoblinic Studies, Inc. Volume 2, Number 4

The Gnomonic Quarterly writes, and readers respond. Make sure your gnome isn’t being accused of being an enemy of fashion, or – gasp – using marbles for lawn darts.

[…] Here are some quotes from it: Some gnomes are very odd indeed—and even have anti-social tendencies, as one might detect a foreign influence or low intelligence. An insidious foreign gnome could be expected to complain that a right of way across his garden is an intrusion of nature—the gnome is too smart to be fooled by such a naturalistic argument. The self-righteousness of the Gnomonic Quarterly is almost embarrassing. In the Gnomonic Quarterly, we publish gnomes who are often dangerously intolerant of the less-than-perfectly-gnomic things in this world. Some of our gnomes are just plain mean, but in the Gnomonic Quarterly we do not fear to publish criticism of gnomes who use marbles for lawn darts, gnomes who have been accused of being enemies of fashion, and gnomes who have been accused of not being gnomic enough. The Gnomonic Quarterly has to publish these gnomes because we are committed to the truth. (Gnomonic Quarterly for the Society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies, Special Issue: The Story of the Garden Gnomes) I haven’t got anything against garden gnomes, or lawn darts, or garden fashion, and I certainly donʼt mind being litigious about my rights. But how did The Gnomonic Quarterly get the idea that a garden gnome is a gnome who uses marbles for lawn darts? I'm not even sure what a lawn dart is, and anyway they don't have any marbles for lawn darts. Or is it a paper dart? I do know that the Garden Gnome Society is a registered charity, and so is The Gnomonic Quarterly. The Garden Gnome Society has a web site at which seems to have been designed by an idiot. For example, they say "Garden gnomes are the smallest of all the anthropomorphic outdoor figures, they are loved and feared with a cold reception for their annoying presence, happy for a joke, but few have the courage to wake them up on cold nights." Obviously, they are referring to a garden gnome, and they want people to think that garden gnomes are the smallest of all the anthropomorphic outdoor figures. But they are wrong. For example, there is the Evil Gnome, which is certainly smaller than a garden gnome, though he is not in the least bit annoying. There is also the Goblin and the Hobgoblin, who are at least as small as a garden gnome. But they are not loved and feared with a cold reception for their annoying presence.

A glimpse into a strange world were both gravity and fish in the water are a delusion, and little boys can turn into gnomes if they want to.

[…] Here are some quotes from the first couple of articles: Page 16 The [supernatural] is usually responsible for a number of delusions that we have come to call common sense, such as the conviction that gravity exists, the belief that there are trees on the moon, and the conviction that there are fish in the water. The Gnomonic Quarterly is a journal whose purpose is to remind us that those very delusions were once taken very seriously indeed, and that the most famous of all delusions, the delusion that there are people called gnomes who live in gardens, is very likely a delusion of the supernatural. Little boys are not born rational. They are all water carriers from that time on. They are taught to keep their voice down and keep their hands to themselves. If they ever get squashed they are allowed to pretend death. It doesn’t hurt them any and it is a kind of revenge. Page 31 If a boy wants to be a gnome he goes to the gnome school. Gnome school is a labor-intensive operation. The ultimate goal is to provide the ultimate gnome. What we get are gnomes who may win a contest, but no one else can interact with, and that makes them universally unspectacular and unpopular. The gnome school is the first stage. Page 33 Children would be cured of their delinquency if they had a gnome in their garden. There would be better interactions and level-earning and the gnome would evolve in a self-reinforcing way. This is the nature of interactions. Page 42 If a boy gets to be a gnome he gets a kind of existential freedom. He can be any gender he wants to be and any shape. The gnome can be round or tall or short. There is no day-to-day compulsion. If a boy gets lost, you just stop and wait for him in front of the altar. Page 44 The gnome, as you know, is a symbol of everything that is good: industry, craft, reverence, and humility. The gnome is the wizard of the garden, the fount of knowledge and wisdom. But in Gnomonic studies the gnome is the symbol of the wrong kind of humility. Page 39 A gnome is a body with a head; that is a fact. It is not a metaphor. It is not an analogy. It is a fact. That is how it ought to be. If it is not a fact it is something else that is not a fact. Page 41 I have been a gnome for a long time. It was an unpleasant experience. My gnome was a little girl none of your peasant boys would mess with. It was not the kind of gnome I wanted to be. I left. The art of Gnomonic studies is the study of the gnome as a fantasy and to not do this is to play into the hands of the Gnome Co-Planning Association. If this is all true, my guess is that we are not going to read any more articles on it, or at least not a lot more. The point is that the Gnomonic Quarterly doesn’t just explore the garden gnome, but the entire garden as a cult experience and the entire garden as a brainwashing operation. And for this I have no pity. As for the question, ‘Are gnomes real?’, I wish a long, slow painful death to all gnomes. They are a blight on everything they touch.

If you need a new nickname when signing up for some online community and aren’t sure what name to pick, why not try calling yourself ‘Lord Gnome’, or alternatively, if that name’s already taken, ‘Kainicorn Epoxyʼ?

[…] Here are some quotes from the article: It is highly likely that the pseudonym D. A. Stoyan was the real author of the ‘Garden Gnomes’ article, although it is not inconceivable that the author of the article is the same person as the ‘author’ of The Gnomonic Quarterly. The magazine’s editor insists that there are no gnomes in the garden. It is most likely that said editor was the agent for the gnomes, or gnumonoid, who is wildly disgruntled with the society for mentioning them in an article and for publishing the article in its journal. The society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies is headquartered in a large, gnome-embellished office building in a major city. The magazine is published once a year, and is usually available online, as well as in large bookstores and other locations. The journal has become a cult favorite, to the point that the American Gnome Party no longer reads the magazine. In the meanwhile, the gnomes have translated into the new year. All of them, that is. Thanks to the American Gnome Party for picking this up. The article was written by ‘Lord Gnome,ʼ also known as ‘Kainicorn Epoxy,ʼ who is the President of the gnome society in the United States. The full article can be read here.

It seems that even for garden gnomes, transatlantic relations aren't entirely without tensions.

[…] Here are some quotes from reader Fred G. with which I agree wholeheartedly: I did also find the article interesting because of the implications for the Gnome lobby, especially in regard to the British parliament. The article implies that the US version was based on the earlier British version, and that is why the British have such a lopsided policy. The article does mention that there are plenty of gnomes in Washington D.C. The article also makes some excellent points about the childish nature of the gnomes published in the United States. The British gnomes are more mature, being modeled on British countryside thrushlings, and the American ones are modeled on American dwarves and other gnomes who live in the human world. The article also gives some great suggestions for the re-design of gnomes. The British gnomes are more sophisticated, being designed to look like laughing gorse. The gnomes in the early American U.S. gnomes are a bit like the gnomes of the British royal gardens. The article did not mention that the first gnomes in the United States was in Lafayette Square in Washington D.C. In addition to the gnomes in Lafayette Square, the United States also has other gnomes in New York City, and Santa Clara and Palo Alto, California, and many other locales have gnomes. The article also failed to mention that at the time the British gnomes were first published, there was a reaction in the United Kingdom about them based on the experiences of gnomophobia in the United Kingdom. The reactions were expressed in the pages of The Gnomonic Quarterly, and the article discusses that here: Gnomophobia: A defence of gnomes. The article did not discuss the fact that the American gnomophobic reaction was not expressed in The Gnomonic Quarterly, but in the pages of The Gnome Gazette, a newspaper for gnomes. Since the 1950s and the early 1960s, and through much of the 1970s and 1980s, the ironic call for a British boycott of the United States was usually made in The Gnome Gazette. The article also failed to mention the fact that there are several different Gnome Fêtes, including the Gnome Fête in the United States. If the Gnome Lobby had their way, the British would also boycott America, and many British gnomes would continue to live in their homes in England. [N.B. I am writing this on 7 July this year, and I have been in touch with Mr. Donald R. by phone.] Donald R. has had a detailed conversation with someone at the American Gnome Party, and I have received a copy of that conversation, which I will publish as soon as I receive it. I will be publishing an article in an upcoming issue of The Gnome Gazette, with all the details that Mr. Donald R. has given me. I have requested an interview with Mr. Donald R., who has declined, because he is currently on vacation. I can advise him that the reaction of the Union Jack gnomes to the British gnomes are a clear indication that they are to be found in the United States. Donald R. is unsure of the number of British gnomes in the United States, but he expects it to be at least a few hundred. Like British gnomes, British gnomes have their own party, which consists of 17 gnomes and is initially based in Wolverhampton, England.

A ‘very special magazine’ indeed…

[…] Here are some quotes from the January, 2016 issue: “The American Gnome Party is sponsored by the National Gnome Society. This may come as news to those of you who have been misinformed by the media. The National Gnome Society has members, however, in this newspaper, and we are happy to confirm that they have gnome gardens, as well as other hobbies, and their motto is “From gnomes to gnomes, let’s go gnome.” “The Gnomonic Quarterly of the Society for Nimbyical & Hobgoblinic Studies is published bimonthly with an editorial policy of neither support nor opposition to the American Gnome Party. We urge our readers to find that on our Web site, and if they do not, our journal editors will send them a copy of the GQ. For the record, we recognize that our chief editor, Ian Potter, was listed as a USAGNP National Coordinator. Is that correct? Was he also the editor? Possibly so. But we don’t know. If he was, we regret the error; for some reason we couldn’t find him in our files. He has been replaced by another editor, and we have a new policy – “supporting neither the American Gnome Party nor their detractors.” “The major focus of GQ is on gnomes, and there is a growing trend towards the study of mischievous humans, but there is so much more in the world of nimby and hob. There is the white-tailed reed spider, the social wasp, the flightless cicada, a marsh shrew, a DNA-aided Catholic prayer book, a use-it-or-lose-it ink-jet printer, and the kalanchoe orchid. It is a very special magazine …” The GQ would be a good magazine for anyone with a hobby of witchcraft, black magic, voodoo, hoodoo, bokor, casting spells, foraging for herbs, monster-hunting, making your own potions, or any other activity that makes you feel GOOD. My own hobbies are limited to cooking, gardening, and staying fit – but I will always stick up for my gnomes.

I do wonder who those people are that are willing to rent bobble-headed gnomes for fifty dollars a night…

[…] Here are some quotes from the article: "But there are thirty-four pages of speculation by an associate editor about why such a phenomenon exists. One theory is that the gnomes are a "cultural" phenomenon, that they are a modern-day representation of European gnomes who shared a group mind and a common language but were not classified as such." "A more intriguing theory put forth by another enterprising Gnomonic Quarterly reader is that the gnomes are a modern-day representation of the Egyptian gnome who lives in the Nile Valley. Very quaint, I'm sure." (Snip) You might think that the theory that the gnomes are a modern-day representation of an ancient Egyptian gnome would be the most plausible. You are probably right. But not only is it a more interesting theory, but it is also the least insane theory. Let's take a look at the more popular theories: The gnomes are based on the story of the dwarfs. You know. The gnomes. The dwarfs. I think the average reader is probably going to think you are talking about something completely different; like dwarfs and elves. Readers of this site have, of course, established that the story of the dwarfs is not one of the more popular stories of some human being. This is a story which is so overworked that one could almost make a drinking game out of it. The question of why someone would make a drinking game out of a story which sucks so much is a bit of a mystery to me. "This theory has a pretty wide, and quite frankly absurd, base of support. For starters, it could be a good source of income for a gnome-based business. Sure, some nice folks who like to hang out in fairy tale-themed cottages will buy a gnome and place him in their yard. But what about the other folks who live in cottages? Couldn't they sell those gnomes, too? A cottage with a gnome gnome? For two hundred fifty dollars? A thousand? And just what do you do with them once you collect? Certainly not house them in your living room so you can cuddle and watch some TV together. That's what television is for. And what of the folks who live in apartments? Can't they just rent out bobble-headed gnomes at fifty dollars a night? If just a few people were willing to pay that much for a fake gnome, a cottage with a fake gnome would have to be a very desirable place to live.

The observations on the people apparently LARPing as ‘secret agents in the service of the gnomes’ feel like they might be applicable to other communities, too (except for no. 3 I guess – the gnomes can’t be expected to read everything of course).

[…] Here are some quotes from the editorial by Mr. Stauff, where Mr. Stauff refers to the reader as a 'paranoiac': On a recent phone call, a reader (who shall remain nameless) told me that he had heard about the "gnomes" from a friend of his who listened to the newscats when he was drunk. Stately home, rather. Whatever I say, you might not believe me, but I believe you. This may sound like a red flag to some of you, but I was as surprised as anyone when I researched the story because there seemed to be no other evidence of their existence. In my defense, that's the nature of the gnomonic militia. You got name, and we got quotes. Quotes of varying trustworthiness, I should add. ..and from his conclusion of this'red flag': Our reader suggested, "Your gnomes have a point though. They do seem to be best kept away from people, and away from their own things." I like that. Maybe the gnomes are just not worth it. 1. I have noticed that the members of the Gnomic Quarterly who post comments consider themselves to be'special' people who, like'secret agents in the service of the gnomes', report on their activities to the other Gnomic Quarterly members.2. I have noticed that, once they're posted here, they don't really expect their comments to be read by the public.3. I don't even bother reading the comments, because I know the gnomes will do that. There is no conspiracy, I just can't take all this stuff seriously, it's been too long. Let's move on. I find it strange that the article states some of the gnomes are made of horn and wood. I thought horn and wooden were two of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Oh well, maybe they're not so antique. I have found that the gnomes have been banned from garden centers here in Canada. They are not selling anything anymore. I should investigate where they are made and if they are still being produced. Can anyone help me with the name of the poison the gnomes use in the holidays? I know it is something that comes from flowers. I have always wondered where that name originated. I have been wondering for a long time if the dolls the gnomes make are more than just a toy that is made to look exactly like the gnomes. So maybe they are looking for love, maybe they have hopes of getting married with their "human" counterparts. That would explain the reactions I see when I do Halloween trick or treat with my children. I still wonder how many of the gnomes are made in China. You may remember about five years ago, when there was a big debate about whether gnomes were a drug in China. Regardless, I don't think that we know enough about the gnomes to be able to know if they form a secret society, a fraternity, or any kind of society. We just don't know enough.

Circling back to the initial texts on garden gnomes, we’re getting quite a few more supposed facts about them.

[…] Here are some quotes from the SGNOMONIC QUARTERLY: A leading member of the American Gnome Party told us this year that, “We’re not a club - we’re a movement.” We asked him what that meant. “It means,” he explained, “that we are committed to the fight for the gnomes, the gnomes who are suffering today.” “There’s no point in having a gnome on your lawn,” he said, “if you don’t offer protection to all living things - including gnomes.” One week it was gnomes, and then it was spiders. Another week it was gnomes. Then it was hippopotami. Then snakes. One week it was gnomes, then it was Ewoks. One week it was gnomes, and then it was a gnome. The gnomes are not libertarians. The gnomes are not conspirators, or anarchists. The gnomes are not in it for the money. The gnomes are honestly trying to help. The gnomes will only do one thing at a time. They would like to do many things at the same time, but their constitution won’t allow it. Gnomes are clever. They know what’s going down. They don’t even have to ask the humans for help. Even the humans are surprised sometimes - maybe not every time, but sometimes. The gnomes are a very hardy bunch. They can go for weeks without food. Gnomes do not eat flesh. They eat vegetation. Gnomes are innocent, and must not be punished for their behavior. Gnomes only dance when they are happy. Gnomes don’t call on heaven to help them. They call on the earth to help them. Gnomes think of humans as their friends. They have an idea of humanity that is based on individual deeds. Gnomes don’t just go around building castles in the air. They have to have some things in place first. Gnomes are not designed to work in great numbers. That’s why they have to be promoted. Gnomes are not cute. They are the heart and soul of the American Gnome Party. Gnomes do not wear clothes. That’s civilization. Gnomes are not afraid of heights. On the contrary, they are fearless. Gnomes are insistent. They don’t give up easily. Gnomes are easily discouraged. That’s why they have to be carefully nurtured. Gnomes are not distant. They are at your side. Gnomes don’t sing from the same hymn book as humans. It’s just that they use different words. Gnomes don’t like the color orange. They find it distracting and unhealthy. Gnomes don’t like to come down in December. It’s too cold. Gnomes are a very loving lot. They have a difficult time saying goodbye. Gnomes know that we all love them. They couldn’t be less fond of us. Gnomes don’t like to hate anyone, certainly not themselves. Gnomes don’t like to be misunderstood. It’s very painful to them. Gnomes don’t like to be pushed. That’s up to their constitution, you see. The situation of the gnomes in today’s world is difficult. So many humans don’t understand them. They don’t know how to take care of gnomes. They think there’s no point in having gnomes on lawns. They think they’re a nuisance - and they’re not terribly fond of being mistaken for that, even by fellow humans. This causes them a great deal of distress. The gnomes haven’t been getting along with each other very well lately. Some of them have been meeting in the middle of the night to discuss things. Some of them have been meeting in the daytime to discuss things, but this is a very distressing business. The gnomes have no idea of the value of human sleep, and human daytime hours are a great hardship to them. It is bringing them down. The gnomes are naturally inclined to want to come to the aid of other gnomes. But they have no money for this. The humans are so preoccupied with their own affairs that they don’t pay attention to what the gnomes are doing. This is why they are having so much trouble. The gnomes are a very clever lot. They can make their own money. One gnome has done well, and now he’s producing a book about how to make money. The gnomes have an idea that it’s a good thing to have money, though it isn’t obvious to unthinking humans. The gnomes can be naughty. They may even have made their debut in the newspaper. We have confirmed this. The gnomes are not very happy about it. The gnomes are not very happy about publicity. Neither are the humans. They just don’t understand the gnomes. Nor do the gnomes understand the humans. Well, it’s annoying on both sides, but then, is anything else these days?