Music: dramatic music slowly building up, then down for
Richard Nixon (m): Citizens of America: As you know, the integrity of the presidency is this day in ruins. And I therefore have no alternative now, but to discharge the most grim and unpleasant duty of my career; and stand again for office. Now I've been severely critized over this; I'm even being sued for breach of copyright by Lazarus, but I know...
Music: out
F/X: knocking on door
Nixon: that the people of America...
F/X: door opening
Scooter (m): Two minutes to curtain, Mr. Nixon!
Nixon: Oh, thank you, Scooter.
Music: Muppet Show opening signature tune
Kermit (m): It's the Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Richard Nixon! Yaaay!
Music: continuing, in place of the laughter and applause, hoots, bells ringing and other weird noises are being overdubbed
Waldorf (m): Hey, did you hear about the Irish ventriloquist?
Statler (m): Yeah. He could talk without moving his right hand.
Both: (laughing)
Waldorf: Oh one of these days we'll be given a funny line to say.
Statler: Yeah, and pigs will fly.
Both: (laughing)
F/X: motor plane flying by, then crashing
Waldorf: I see, who gave Nixon a pilot's licence?
Statler: (laughing)
Chorus: This is what we call the Muppet Shooow!
Music: out
F/X: buzzer
Miss Piggy (f): Kermie, frog of my heart. I think something's wrong.
F/X: buzzers and door bells
Kermit: How do you mean?
F/X: buzzers, door bells and a hoot
Miss Piggy: I think the people who dub the laughter and applause are [all ?] (getting very angry, the way she always does) pressing the wrong buttons!!
F/X: bells ringing, a hoot
F/X: door handle
Nixon: Er, excuse me, I refuse to share my dressing room with a snake.
Kermit: Oh, that's a mirror, Mr. Nixon.
F/X: a siren, buzzers, bells etc.
Nixon: Er well, the thing is, Mr. d'Estaing, er I trust there'll be no er tasteless reference to my previous oh, er well, you know...
Kermit: Oh relax Mr. President, nobody here would be that dumb.
F/X: Muppet Show Fozzie jingle, bells and buzzers
Fozzie Bear (m): Hiya, hiya, hiya! I wouldn't say Nixon was tricky, but he shaves seventeen times a day, one for each face. (laughs)
F/X: bells, hoot, motor trying to start
Fozzie Bear: I wouldn't say he's a crook, but when he sends birthday presents, he writes, 'Not to be opened 'till after Police 5' (laughs)
F/X: bells, police siren
Fozzie Bear: Yeah, whenever he hears something being recorded he doesn't like, he has a way of making sure it never c... making sure it never c... making sure it never (laughs)
F/X: Muppet Show Fozzie jingle, bells, buzzers, alarm bell
Kermit: Thank you Fozzie, and good luck in Siberia! Well now, it's over to our resident weird person.
Continuity Announcer (f): This is Radio Four.