Music: [something from Swan Lake ??]
Narrator (m): Theirs was a love which knew no bounds; a torrid passion that shocked the whole of humanity and parts of Lord Longford. And in that sweet, idyllic summer of thirty-five they passed away the barmy evenings locked in each others arms beneath a sky of prussian blue, their lips met with all the tenderness of a pair of glass blowers, as eagerly they explored each others bodies and planted union jacks in all the places no one had ever been before. And yet, how could it last, how could their romance blossom in a cruel, unfeeling world which condemmned all liason between crown and commoner? Tonight, there together on the beach they neither knew nor cared, for they were head over heels in love and had been ever since they found the oil slick. Oh, how their passion raged, oh how tempestuous was the unrelenting, mad desire that burned within them...
Music: stops abruptly
Continuity Announcer (f): Well, there I'm afraid we have to leave the controversial new drama series 'Edward and Mr Simpson' for something not quite so controversial.
Music: dramatic music
F/X: dog howling
Announcer (m): We present: The Hound Of The Baskervilles
F/X: dog howling
Announcer: For the second week running owing to a massive cock-up by the BBC who put the wrong tape on, based on (voice suddenly speeds up and down, as if the tape was having trouble) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's world-famous story...
Music: stops
Continuity Announcer (f): We apologise for this massive cock-up. We are doing our best to proceed with the advertised programme, but unfortunately, tonight's tape seems to have been incorrectly filed under 'Radio Four Jingles'. So, while our technician is racing to catch up the dust cart, a word about another programme later on tonight, the Eamonn Andrews Disaster:
Music: [Eamonn Andrews Show signature tune ?]
Announcer (m): In tonight's Eamonn Andrews Disaster, Eamonn's special guest will be boring, extremely boring, tedious, paralytic, large breasted but on this show still incredibly boring, embarrassing; and tonight, live by satellite from the other end of Eamonn's long line of chairs, a film star we're not going to name now because if we did, nobody would bother to watch the show in a million years, although we can tell you it's not Olivia Newton-John, because at Thames Television we have no qualms about lying. So remember, that's the Eamonn Andrews Disaster right here on ITV at its new, peak hour start of four million years BC.
Music: fades out
Continuity Announcer: But now, back to tonight's programmes, and we've had a special request from [??] Whitehouse not to broadcast this: